Some Sylvia Plath

I feel super happy right now, because the giant weight known as Holm's Research Paper is mostly off my chest.

I was talking to Tyler about my favorite poet, Sylvia Plath, who is really depressing. But I feel good right now and still feel like liking her. I'm finding out a lot of it is about war. Anyway, enjoy. I don't even understand all of it.


Aftermath
Sylvia Plath

Compelled by calamity's magnet
They loiter and stare as if the house
Burnt-out were theirs, or as if they thought
Some scandal might any minute ooze
From a smoke-choked closet into light;
No deaths, no prodigious injuries
Glut these hunters after an old meat,
Blood-spoor of the austere tragedies.

Mother Medea in a green smock
Moves humbly as any housewife through
Her ruined apartments, taking stock
Of charred shoes, the sodden upholstery:
Cheated of the pyre and the rack,
The crowd sucks her last tear and turns away.


I Am Vertical
Sylvia Plath

But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimallight of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them--Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.


Lorelei
Sylvia Plath

It is no night to drown in:
A full moon, river lapsing
Black beneath bland mirror-sheen,

The blue water-mists dropping
Scrim after scrim like fishnets
Though fishermen are sleeping,

The massive castle turrets
Doubling themselves in a glass
All stillness. Yet these shapes float

Up toward me, troubling the face
Of quiet. From the nadir
They rise, their limbs ponderous

With richness, hair heavier
Than sculptured marble. They sing
Of a world more full and clear

Than can be. Sisters, your song
Bears a burden too weighty
For the whorled ear's listening

Here, in a well-steered country,
Under a balanced ruler.
Deranging by harmony

Beyond the mundane order,
Your voices lay siege. You lodge
On the pitched reefs of nightmare,

Promising sure harborage;
By day, descant from borders
Of hebetude, from the ledge

Also of high windows. Worse
Even than your maddening
Song, your silence. At the source

Of your ice-hearted calling-
Drunkenness of the great depths.
O river, I see drifting

Deep in your flux of silver
Those great goddesses of peace.
Stone, stone, ferry me down there.

days like today

I had a cool moment today. You know those people that you know, but you don't really know, maybe because you grew apart, or you're simply a totally different person from them, so it's not like your lives overlap all that much? I ran into one of those today, we'll call him AH. I was walking out the HS door to go to seminary, and he was coming in. He saw me, and held the door for me. As I walked by, I looked at him, and he had this huge smile on, which made me smile. He said, "How are you, Jennifer?" and honestly, I was like stunned, because he remembered my name, you know? So that was about it, you know, just one of those "moments" but it totally made my day. I felt like I was in an announcements commercial for the school, that's what it felt like. We haven't spoken for like two years, I bet, and we're nothing alike, but for the moment I realized we are exactly the same. High School is HARD. Nomatter who you are. On days like today, when life feels ugly, it's nice to know someone remembers your name.

good news! and more good news!

Helllloooooooo! (in case you couldn't tell, that was Jerry Seinfeld's bellybutton-person voice)

So I feel like I've been slacking in the blogging aspect of my life. I am truly sorry! Updates, I guess....

I got the most fantastic news of all time today! It all started when I left seminary to go to the dentist. I got there, and went in, all "excited" to be there, you know, and after awhile Dr. O comes in and checks my teeth like always. He's talking about how I'm "almost done" and all, but in my mind I've already formulated a secret plan. Ha. I "suggested" that the braces come off next month, which somehow he agreed to! That's right, only one more month then I'm FREE! This is very exciting news until I realize that I have to do "impressions" which is another term for "the thing where they put some (and by some they mean a massive amount of) silly putty into a tray in my mouth, where it slowly slides down your throat, but Don't You Dare Gag! Then, throughout the rest of the day you have the pleasure of finding more bits of rogue sillyputty in your mouth. It sucks. But woohoo, only one more month, right?

Good news! I am in the process of becoming a nerd. You are probably thinking, but wait, you are already a nerd. True. But Besto's educating me in the ways of gamer nerds, which was a group i previously felt left out of, so am now joining. I have a nerd magazine. I used to play Nintendo all the time. That's right, the gray-box nintendo that gave the world such things as mario and those tubes he jumps down. Just don't be surprised when I beat you at video games now. Ha.

Time to eat.

Love, Jennifer

Wedding

So I just got back from a wedding, which was...not really what I expected, I guess. I've been to receptions and stuff before, but I've never actually been to the ceremony, and it kind of fell short, I'm sorry to say. I guess the only ones I've "seen" were the huge, expensive ones in movies and stuff, so that kind of warped my ideas on a wedding. It was small, and was beautiful in its own way, but not....magical. Lol, this is really lame, and I know it. But I imagine things in a certain way, but they aren't ever actually like it. Oh well. I really wanted the front row, because I knew I wouldn't be able to see if I wasn't close. I mean, honestly, you should've seen some of these people's hair! Huge! I settled into the "almost-front" second row, then watched. The bride was incredible, I must say, and the groom looked great too. I started to think about Dan's wedding, and decided I HAD to be in the front row, then realized with a shock that I'd be up there, in line. Ugh.

My grandpa rode with us, and he was worried about leaving my grandma alone for too long, so we left after the ceremony, so I didn't get any cake, which was kind of disappointing. Also, I never even got the chance to make The Toast. That's probably okay, because I'd like to be invited to more of my family's weddings. Ha.

Love, Jennifer

givingup

I knew there had to be a catch.

This week was great. I was in the best mood, for a long time. Ah, it was great. Kind of changed tonight. Hope is the funniest thing. Nomatter how bad things seem, on paper at least, hope makes it okay to keep believing there is a better. I've been living, eating, and breathing hope. Nights like tonight, however, make it seem a little bit useless though. Life has this way of being exquisitely painful. And ironic. Some days, I wish I didn't feel anything at all.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ...
Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.

jerks. lol, jk.

funny how nobody comments on my blogs anymore. oh wait....NOT FUNNY! perhaps i will go on a blog strike, then what will all of you read while searching the net? hmm? Yeah.

"Love,"
Jennifer

May we all be as honest, and live much longer...

Today was unexpectedly great. I had to work, so I spent four hours in the store, not knowing what to do because literally everything had already been done. Then I see some guy walking along the path, and I think to myself "Who IS that?" Surprise, it's Tyler! And behind him, Spiva! I am very excited about this. So they come in, and Tyler wants some Burt's Bees, then they stay for awhile and entertain me, trying on everything. Spiva has this thing about beads touching his skin, lol. "Don't ask." It seems to be Jennifer will say Retarded Things Day, because I was talking about catching a rooster, and said I would bring cornflakes to lure it in. Oh wait, that's just a picture on the box....

After work, I go on an "unofficial double date" at Morgan's house with Tyler and Spiva and Morgan. Tyler and Brady drove to PC to get Panda Express and Cold Stone, then came back. Morgan and I set up her dining room with candles and all this stuff, then took over the food situation and served the guys. It was great. The candles entertained us wayyy too much, and now I have yet another mental picture of Brady that I will never forget. It being President's Day, we all toasted George Washington ("To George!"), then later Abraham Lincoln ("May we all be as honest, and live much longer!"). It was fantastic. I took one bite of the ice cream, and said, very honestly surprised, "This is good! It's ice cream!", by which I obviously meant cake batter flavored ice cream, but you know, whatever. Kind of like cornflakes.

After our fantastic dinner, we started watching a movie called "Spies like us", which was very funny. Sadly we actually have that "school thing" tomorrow, so we had to go home before we got to watch very much of it.

I will say though, that since it was an "unofficial" date, they promised to take us on an "official" date sometime in the near future. Happy President's Day to you too. :D

Love, Jennifer

expound

Look! Here i am, posting again. I'm not really sure why, cause I'm kind of tired, but I will definitely fight the feeling. So to expound...

Tyler's bee-day party. It was very interesting! I got the feeling that my previous assumptions on relationships were somehow wrong, and I was okay with that. I had some tasty seven-layer bean dip. That is correct, seven layers. Tyler tried to slap me with the giant fish, but luckily he and Hannah became engaged in an all-out power struggle (literally this time) and I avoided the hit. Mostly I sat around hoping hannah would win. I played his birthday guitar for awhile, and when Spiva came he and Besto were sitting around with me, and spiva suggested I write a song, title of his choosing. "okay," i said, unwittingly. The title turned out to be something close to "Ode to the small green lump of putty i found in my armpit one midsummer's morning." although it disgusted even me, I took on the task of writing this masterpiece. And masterpiece it was. It was deep and most likely life-changing for everyone involved. Also, I think (no ego intended here) I am tyler's little sister's new idol. I taught her a guitar chord. Oh. I also got a nice valentine message, which goes something like, "be good, my lady." one 'word'....shhh. lol, don't ask.

I worked today, and it was really funny to me. 90% of the customers that came in were guys. You know what they all wanted? Take one look into their desperate, quickly searching eyes and it's clear: last minute V-day gifts. Luckily, I quickly became expert gift-helper and sent many-a-man away feeling like he was prepared for this ruthless holiday. The cutest was like this twelve year old kid buying earrings for someone. Aw. Also, these two guys came in, one who I previously quoted on a different blog, but nevermind. Anyway, he had a friend this time, who definitely does not go to our school, I will say. He was interesting, probably the complete opposite of me (in appearance, not necessarily anything else), but I liked him a lot. He was just one of those instantly likeable people. So they looked around for a bit, and I got to laugh some and talk to them. It was great, one of the best parts of the day for sure. Too bad I'll never see friend again. hm.

Well, I have a smallish headache now, and I should probably sleep some, so goodbye for now.

V-Day. Like D-Day, but with less killing.

Well, here I am blogging. Except I guess I could say whatever I wanted because no one reads these anymore! Oh wait, yes they do, they just don't comment. Hmph.

So I just finished watching My Best Friend's Wedding, which is by far my favorite chick flick ever. I had a great Valentine's Day, especially considering the singleness. So why, we must ask, would I go and do a thing like watch a chick flick? I have no idea. Now I just feel slightly depressed, which is what always happens after watching those. Either the girl ends up getting everything she ever wanted, which leaves you feeling like your life is lacking something serious, or else the girl doesn't get what she wanted, and we were supposed to learn an important lesson about love, but really we just feel kind of cheated because life's not perfect, and Hollywood failed to tell us it is. Lol. Such an addictive, vicious cirle.

On a happier note, Maria and I found the best "secret" spot today, which I am very excited about. AND, I don't have to go to school until 11:00 tomorrow. Yay.

Love, Jennifer

a thursday thought.

So overloaded with homework right now. And I also realized how stressful liking someone can be. Just a lot of stress. Meh.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." -Woody Allen

I miss tuesdays.

Love, Jennifer

"amusing." not really.

I've found some recent events amusing, which would not be considered really amusing under normal circumstances. Nothing serious, really, but the "high school drama" stuff I thought I'd somehow avoided. Ehh, oh well. But, these little situations pop up, and I find all I can do is sit back and smile a little bit because (as Jack Handy puts it) "life's just funny." It's like I've finally realized that I can either get really upset by things easily, or I can take life as it comes, even when things suck. Cause that happens a lot. It's this defense mechanism I've developed, and I'm finding out that I like it a lot. I guess what I'm saying is, Why get bent out of shape about things? Disappointments happen. I just think that it's a lot easier to be happy when I don't let those things define me. It's seemed lately that a lot of people are depressed. Maybe it's the winter. Maybe it's the unusually cold winter. Maybe it's life making us more bitter. Maybe it's just us getting older and losing our optimism. I don't know. But all I know is, I hate it. Life's not going to be kind to anyone it seems, but that doesn't mean we can't be happy. Sometimes it takes some effort to find the good, but I'd say it's a lot better than the alternative. I think a lot of the time we forget what friends are. It sure seems like it. Sigh.

Love, Jennifer

ps---why my sudden optimism? things are just feeeeeeling goooooood.

I could never get enough of this

I think this about sums up today.

Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough
New Radicals


There's something about you,
Tears me inside out
Whenever you're around
Theres something about you
Speeding through my veins
Until we hit the ground
And there's something about this rush
Take it away
It made me feel so good
I get a feeling
You get a feeling,
We got a feeling
Like we could die
And guess what mother
We just can't get enough
We just can't get enough
We just gotta get it up
We just gotta get it up
There's something about you
That tears me inside out
Whenever you're around
And there's something about you
That makes me fly
You're a heart attack,
Just the kind I like
And there's something about your kiss
Haunting and strange
That makes me feel so good
I get a feeling,
You get a feeling,
We got a feeling
Like we're alive
And mother
Chorus:
We just can't get enough
We just can't get enough
Lover
We just gotta get it up
We just gotta get it up
This world may not have too much time
But baby I'm fine
Because maybe you're mine
We just can't get enough
This world may not have too much time
But baby I'm fine
Because maybe you're mine
We just can't get enough
You better give up,
Come on and give up
Give up your life
It's you for me, and me for you
You make my dreams come true
Off the wall coming from me
But I wanna see this through, my baby
You're on my mind all the time
I found a million dimes
You rolled the dice, and lost them all
And baby I just don't mind
And incidentally mother
(chorus)
And I don't want no one
If I can't have you
A world of illusion
But baby you're true
I know I deceived you
I once told you lies
If you dont believe me
Just look in my eyes
Social security number please
Credit card number please
Money please
Money please
Money please
Please deposit $85 dollars
For the next three minutes please

sleep

You know what I love about sleep?

As soon as your head hits the pillow, it's like the day begins to soften and seem less important, and maybe less bad...

The little disappointments that happen every day begin to leave your mind, dropping off, one, then another, then another...

Your body relaxes...

And pretty soon, you are gone...

And then you dream...

And when you dream, you have courage to do the things you can't in real life. Things happen that you've always wanted, or maybe never even thought about, but they happen and sometimes it's really amazing, but alwas surprising.

Maybe if you mess up in the first dream, well, so what. There will be another after that to try again, because in your dreams the first never existed and you are free to live again. No regrets here.

And the things you really want most, they happen here, and it's the best feeling. Uncomparable, in fact.

And when you wake up, you wake with hope because for those moments, you felt what it's like to have the things you've always wanted. And that feeling, the one I won't even begin to describe, it is your motivation.


Good night, sweet dreams.

Love, Jennifer

and for tomorrow...

So, what are your plans for tomorrow? What's that? You're going to school? Ohhhh right, school. I guess you would have to go to that, wouldn't you? Well HA! I'm not. You'd think I were excited about this or something.

Tomorrow is Region FBLA (fuh-bluh), and after that Hannah and I will drive over to BYU to watch State Swimming. You would not believe how ridiculously hard it is to get a paper signed in the high school. Honestly. We walked around, fuming, for like an hour today, and still didn't even get the stupid signature to drive ourselves tomorrow. We finally had to find a loophole, which is the current plan. "Extreme frustration!" was said many times. Lol. Anyway, I am very excited for this, because it's sounding like it will all amount to an amazing weekend.

Hmmm. I guess that's about all. Have a fantastic Friday. I will.

Love, Jennifer

The good times are killing me

Thought we could all use a little trip down memory lane. I guess this is also "quote Modest Mouse" blog, because I must say, "Sometimes life's okay."

we are...

Normally I don't like to post things I've written, but this one seems a good one if any. Bonus points if you can figure out what it's about, (if you're not Morgan [She helped write it] or possibly Hannah)!

We Are

We are our own people,
And sometimes polar opposites.
We are midnight and solitude and self-consciousness
We are summer and understatements and acceptance
We are unconformity and loyalty and tuesdays
We are fighters and listeners and forgiveness
We are dedication and afternoons and sunflowers
We are a good time and feeling and skill
We are warmth and nobility and knowledge
We are choice and smiles and ambition
We are fearless and introverted and dedicated
We are ready and shy and selfless
We are excitement and attention and achievement
We are ideas and connections and attachment
We are serenity and desire and comfort.
And against all odds, here we are.

borrowing phrases

I'm going to have to borrow a phrase Berto once used. "Frustration beyond all reason." Cause that's just it. People are just retarded. Specifically those living in my house. I kind of don't even want to try to be friendly anymore. I need vacation. Or a hug.

I feel kind of bad, I hardly have anything interesting to blog about anymore. It's kind of just one of those uninteresting points in life. I feel like my life has stopped, and I'm just waiting for summer for it to begin again.

So this morning I slept in like an hour and a half after the alarm was supposed to go off. Supposed having the emphasis here. I had a dentist appointment instead of third period, so I got dressed in like five minutes and put my hair up. Yes, I looked gross today. So anyway, for the last month I've been supposed to be wearing these elastics as part of the Master Plan of orthodontics. Problem is, they're really weird, and there's no way I'm wearing those things in public. So, I wore them at night, which was pretty generous, I thought. Anyway, I went back today, and Dr. O said (about the elastics) "Wow,those things really work when you wear them huh? This looks good." So you see, no harm done. It looked good. Ha.

State swimming is this weekend, which I am very excited for. I went last year, but only because I had a crush on Neil and Hannah wanted me to, because I really had no idea what I was watching. This year, I'll actually understand what's happening! Plus I'll have a legitimate reason this time, as opposed to me dubbing myself the loving swim team "president". Although, I must say, that was pretty genius. Also, FBLA region is on friday, so (yay!) I'll get to miss school friday.


Last Friday I went on a date with Scot W. and it was a lot of fun! We went tubing at Soldier Hollow with his friend Jed and Jed's gf, Sabrina. It was kind of funny to me when someone would say Jed! and I'd look up because...you know...Jeb. Yeah. No one else understood, of course. After that we went to eat at Canton City. Mmmmm yes. Good choice. So I decided, the main difference between the "group" and other (normal?) people is that other people do not accept "not it" as a legitimate excuse. No way. They don't get it. To me, it's like a rule of nature that when you call "not it", you are actually not it. Not so in the real world. I tried to call not it to pick the restaurant, but somehow I still ended up choosing. Oh well. It was mucho fun-o.

Love, Jeb

ps-if you're reading this you owe me two things. 1)a comment, and 2)you have to blog now. it's karma. to borrow a phrase from a certain incident today, "karma? no. vengeance."

hair, and a quote

I totally had a hair consultation today. It was great. There's this lady, Tracy, who has a salon connected to WFtM, she's really nice. We talked about my hair abuse through chlorine and a flat iron, and how my hair's superfine, and my bangs are sort of getting long and odd. And now I'm getting help next Wednesday! Yay! No more sad, unhealthy hair for me!

Ummm. hmm. Not too much to blog about. I'd rather be playing guitar. And all of you blogmoochers (i.e., read blogs yet don't comment or blog yourself), go blog! ugh.

Love, Jennifer

Quote of the Day: "Wait, tell me about sasquatch!" -kid in seminary today

What I Love

So, (this is how I start everything, with a "so", like everyone's been hanging on the edge of their seat, just waiting to hear what I'm about to say)today I've been thinking about what makes me happy. Number one, sleeping in makes me pretty happy. Music makes me very happy (I did a cover of Phantom Planet's "California" today, which I like a lot), and so does hot chocolate. Getting to know someone I haven't known so well in the past, just learning things about them, that makes me happy. Photography makes me really really happy. We did Dan and Erin's announcement photos today, at various locations, and they got them developed. I have to say, they rock. I was kind of nervous, having to take them, and this being kind of a big deal, but they actually turned out really really well. That makes me happy. Them being happy makes me happy. Which takes me to the next thing...knowing you picked the perfect gift for someone, I love that. It makes me happy when my opinion about something changes. Because that's when I know I'm getting better. I love a good workout, of any type. I love knowing that things can only get better. I love the thought of summer. That's hope.

And this is only one day.

Love, Jennifer

. . .

"The

course

of

true

love

never

did

run

smooth..."

~Shakespeare

Crossing Borders

I went on a little trip to Borders last night, and I must say, I could live there. I probably walked around for like an hour and a half, just looking at everything, photography, poetry, biographies, fiction, music, hot guys who work there.... It's a great place to spend time. In the end, I ended up buying a photography book for my fazzah, and a cool new band for myself, Small Sins. They're electronic, postal service-esque, and great.

So, I just got home from my last swim practice of the season. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Kind of sad, kind of happy, kind of relieved. I wonder if I'll get bored now? My homework will be getting a little more attention now though, so that's probably a good thing. Speaking of school, I had a weird little reality check yesterday. Elder Burrow sent me an email because I finally emailed him, and he said something to the effect of "wow. your junior year is half over." I had to stop for a minute as I realized that, Wow, my Junior year is half over. Ah. Scary. I wish I could stay young forever. I was reading the cereal box this morning, and it had a list of things to do before you turn eighteen. The last was "turn eighteen. embrace old age." I'll be eighteen in a little over 8 months. I'm getting old :( Geriatric. Feeble. Ugh.

Thought for the week: Losing something is hard. Losing something you realize you never had is harder. Sometimes we assume that we have perfect things in our lives. Reality has no mercy.

Am I crossing over to the cynical side??

Love, Jennifer

Your holiday is a lie!

So, I feel like I've been away forever, even though I just went to St. George/Cedar for the weekend. But, I come home and it's really, really cold. I felt like maybe I was beginning to understand Britta as I stood outside of the bus at the high school, waiting for something, I'm not sure what, and nearly crying because I had honestly never, ever been that cold before. It sucked.

Oh. I have to be honest with all of you who read my last post. I totally ruined the first annual Say Nice Things Day. I didn't say anything nice that day. I made fun of a lapswimmer, and I argued with someone about cueing. And the only nice things I said were on the blog. So maybe that's how SNTD is celebrated, simply blogging nice things which people may or may not read? Lol. I hope so.

I was taught a fun "game" while in SG over the weekend. It's called "Secretly, I..." and basically a Room of Truth is established, which has inpenetrable walls, nothing can leave the room. Ever. The players then take turns completing the "Secretly, I..." sentence. It gets interesting, let me tell you.

I totally stalked a camera man. Note picture.



Love, Jennifer

Say Nice Things Day

So, I just decided that today will be "say nice things" day. and this should be a good way to start out.

You know why I like Hannah? Because if we ever lost touch when we grew up, and I called her and needed to talk about my latest problem, it would be like no time at all had passed. I know it. And she has never ever let me down.

Why I like Maria? She is unique and independent. She is very generous and caring.

Why I like Britta? I've never seen her be anything except herself, and I don't think she ever will be. She's artistic and honest.

Why I like Erin? She has talent and knows how to use it. She has a good sense of humor, and knows how to have fun. People are naturally drawn to her.

Why I like Besto? He knows when to have fun and when to be serious. He made up the word "floofy"

Why I like Michael? He is so tall! When he says something to you, you know he means it. He's a really really good friend. Loyal.

Why I like Brady? He's super smart. And I love that. It's not hard to have an intelligent conversation with him, but he's also ready to have fun at any moment. He knows who he is.

Why I like Randi? She's loud and shorter than me. She's like the sprinkles on top of our "group" donut. Inside jokes, anyone?

Why I like Lakie? He gives good massages, and consumes people with giant hugs. He tried to teach me "blood brothers" once. That was fun.

Why I like Enano? He writes me little notes in english and 1050, which I will treasure and keep forever. I've never seen him be mean to anyone. Enano rocks.

Why I like Lurpie? He can sing, and that is infinitely cool. He is dedicated to things he cares about.

And now it's time to go. But happy Say Nice Things Day!

Much Love, (you're great),
Jennifer

Coming Alive

I am so excited about psychology right now. And I am so excited about many other things. But a big one is psychology. I finally, finally found a class that interests me. Honestly, this is the first in like three years. I am such a dork now, a nerd if you will, but I love it. Professor John has an odd resemblance to Prof Fish, which scared me at first, but I still sit there, all captivated, because hello! I finally care about the stuff I have to learn. I want to go into psychology. Why? I don't know. Actually, I kind of do, but that's a story for another day, so we'll just say I overanalyze everything anyway, so why not spend my time helping people while I'm at it?

Today I thought about summer a lot, how fantastic it will be. My brother is getting married! That's such a weird thought for me, because we grew up together. If he's an adult now, all responsible and whatnot, what am I? A couple years away from that? It's like the little invitations they will be sending out are announcing a wedding and the fact that I have to grow up at some point. Lol. Wow. Reality....you suck.

Anyway...right now I miss the feel of sunshine on my face. What do you miss about summer? Look forward most to?

Love, Jennifer

(oooh. bonus. I just realized, I found one of those things. The ones that make me come alive. It is psychology.)

((hannah's blog is the one I've been thinking about for months but never wrote. Change of outlook for me lately though. my brain finally said "enough." our brains are connected, hannah's and mine.)

a good weekend

Here's just a fun little factoid to start out the blog. I find this very interesting and funny.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
My dad: in a band, a professional golfer, or go to the moon.
What does he do? Works for the Department of Transportation. He may still go to the moon, he tells me.

Anyway, I've been having this thought lately. If you say died or something, you were just gone, and some stranger were to go into your room and look through all of your things, all of the things you had written or created, or collected, what would they think of you? My room is my sanctuary...I love it! There's photography everywhere, and guitars, and everything else that I love. Notebooks everywhere with writing in them. What would this stuff say about me?

This weekend was great. One of the first in a long time that I didn't have to swim in a meet. On friday mike, brady, besto, hannah, and I hung out doing many things (lol) then went to the High school movie at the theater. It was great. Saturday, I hung out with maria at her house for awhile, then we all went to Erin's and watched grease and then talladega nights. Mucho fun. I ate this cookie thing with ice cream and many sauces. So delicious. This morning i had toast with nutella. Oddly enough, I only went to sacrament meeting today due to a monster stomachache. Lol.

Love, Jennifer

Ha. I google image-d myself and got these (interesting) results.

a little bit of dizziness, and insomnia.

I just experienced a weird combination of elements that made me dizzy while reading your blog. Mostly the fact that I am infinitely lucky and infinitely stupid at the same time. So you, yes the one-and-only you, I'm sorry for being so selfish and often immature lately, and for all the times when I subconsciously blame you for things that go wrong around me, not because you had anything to do with it, but because I love you enough to know you're the only one who won't hate me permanently for it. Thanks for being willing to hurt people for me. Lol. Sometimes I don't even realize how much things matter to me until I see how much they mattered to you, too. That's a sign that our brains are connected. That's all.

Love, Jennifer

Who cares if no one else believes?

Remember when it happened, and there was no one else left? Went to the ES and sat there forever, thinking, fuming, and more thinking.

Remember when I found out, and silently but efficiently freaked out?

Remember when I needed time, so had a day at "the beach?"

Remember when I was told what I already knew and left feeling worse than I'd ever felt? Ever?

Remember how hard it was for me to do what I knew I would have to do for peace of mind? The feeling after I finally did it...

Remember when I felt nothing at all?

Remember when it was like the harder I tried, the worse things got? Ugh.

Remember when I gave in, and looked, then spent the rest of...a long time worrying about what I'd found? And there was nothing I could do.

Remember when the littlest things meant the most? When the numbers worked out well for me, and I left feeling incredibly super happy?

Remember when I finally heard the words that made it worth while? It was sincerity, and I needed that more than anything.

Remember when I lost that one last thing? I had been so proud of the fact, and then when I realized...just now...that I lost it. That sucked.

Remember when I almost gave up and just went home? I've never felt worse. That was regret. Capital R. It never really got better.

Remember when it was a room full of people but I'd never felt more disattached? She asked if I was sick, what could I say to that?

Remember when no one got it? And I just had to play along, like a game, because that's what I was supposed to do. We never figured out how to get through it together, did we?

Remember the lie? But it was funny.

Remember when it drove me nuts that I didn't know what she was talking about? So I acted like a jerk. That was kind of stupid.

Remember how much that song actually meant to me? It meant something new every time. I still can't hear it without remembering.

Remember when I realized just how wrong I was? But it was a good realization. And how the mystery of it all still continues...

Love, Jennifer

Don't worry if none of this makes any sense to anyone. It was purely for my own benefit.

change, superpowers, swimgods

Change.

So life is changing again. Isn't it funny how often that happens? I just get used to the feel of how things are going, and it all has to go and change. I can't keep up, lol. I can tell already that this will be an interesting summer. But at the same time, it's going to be really, really good. I can feel it.

So I decided that the "powers" I possess may not be superhuman. Whatever I say comes true. But it may just be that I'm observant and notice the things around me, put that together with what I have seen happen over and over in the past, and voila! You have a prediction. So, there you have it. But of course, they could be superhuman powers also.

This morning the swim gods gave me recompense for a previous swim abuse by giving us a game day for practice. That was pretty sweet.

Love, Jennifer

"Marriage is overrated. Marriage is for SQUARES!" -Trent

So this is the new year...

Last night was great. I love New Year's Eve! And for many reasons, some of them I can't name here (dice...), but just because it's a great night overall. Probably the best night of the entire year. Maybe. Last night was amazing, anyway. Besto, Michael, Brady, Tyler, and I hung out at Brady's house watching Bill Cosby standup, and the office. We tried to play 21, but got distracted. So after the New Year rolled around, we started doing things and being the first to do them. "First to do this to my phone. Maalleehhalaha." It was great. It was just one of those times I could be doing anything with the people I was with, and it would be amazing. I love my friends. When there was like one minute left, we all ran upstairs then outside for the New Year, then watched fireworks from the front lawn. (does this feel like a death cab song to anyone else?) I love fireworks more than anything. I love the feel of the boom in my chest. A perfect way to start 2007.

Happy New Year!

If it's half as amazing as 2006 was, 2007 will be great.

Much Love, Jennifer

(first blog of the new year!)

10 of '06 plus 7

So here's how this blog goes. These are the top ten movies of 2006 (by box office and whatnot). And here's what people we know thought of them (mostly me, lol).

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
I think it was okay considering how much pressure was on it to be amazing like the first. I was super disappointed with the end though. I was, however, intrigued with the little thing between Jack and Elizabeth, although it caused outrage in another certain person I saw the movie with. That swamp lady was so dang crazy. What was she saying anyway?

2. Cars
This one was kind of funny. I'm not a big fan of animated stuff most of the time, but this wasn't bad. But, if it can get that many people to quote one line to me five billion times, it must have been popular. "She only likes me for my body."

3. X-Men: The Last Stand
I liked this movie a lot! I think I watched it at Spiva's house or something, and I was surprised how good it was. Especially since I hadn't seen any of the others for like five years. But good stuff. Good action, effects, and plot. Yay.

4. The Da Vinci Code
Wow, finally I get to put my frustration into writing. I read this book, and it SUCKED. That's right. Sucked. I was so prepared to live out my life in happiness without ever having seen the movie. But, I gave in and decided to give it a chance. Surprisingly, it SUCKED. I can't even begin to tell you how ridiculously made up it is. And I know, it's supposed to be fiction and all, but there are some subjects you can make stuff up about, and some you cannot. This is one you cannot.

5. Superman Returns
Honestly, I don't remember a lot about this movie. Somehow I kept thinking, "Wow, he has a bad streamline." But, I think I did kind of like it. Not as great as say, Spiderman, but it was still pretty good. He made a cute nerd.

6. Ice Age: The Meltdown
I actually haven't seen this. The first was good though. If you have, tell us what you thought of it...

7. Happy Feet
Again, haven't seen this one. But it sounds amazing. From what Enano enthusiastically tells me, it's about penguins that find mates by using their heartsong. One penguin, however, does not have a song so he dances. How could you go wrong with a plot like that?

8. Over The Hedge
Wow, haven't seen this either. But apparently there's an animated theme this year. Besto, however, saw it, and said he doesn't really remember it. I guess it wasn't that great.

9. Talladega Nights
Open to review...

10. Casino Royale
Oh my gosh. This is the best action movie I've ever seen. The beginning scene, with the chase through the construction and all, holy crap. That guy can climb. Really cool plot. I loved the part with the defribulator. Never saw the end coming.


So. Top 10 of 'o6. Now for the best part. These are movies I saw this year that rocked for one reason or another but didn't get the recognition they deserve. Yay movies...

-Employee of the Month
-Elizabethtown (ok, i cheated. this was 'o5. but i loved it anyway)
-The Breakup
-Pink Panther
-John Tucker Must Die
-Skeleton Key
-Poseidon

Love, Jennifer

_i love this week_

Merry Christmas everybody! And also, does anyone out there realize exactly how long "It's a Wonderful Life" is? lol, but I do like the movie, even if it is insanely long. I cannot believe how amazing this Christmas was. Honestly. It rocked, even though it was a little bit weird not having my brother here for the first time. But, he's doing things that make him happy so...good. lol.

Good things about this week:

-no school
-tomorrow is offically music day
-kelsey is coming!
-break from my favorite water sport
-michael and besto's birthday
-playing with all my new toys!

yes, i think that about sums it up

Love, Jennifer

my wish list.

Dear Santa,

How are things at the North Pole? I hope you're doing fine, and Mrs. Claus as well. Now then, let's get down to business. I've been pretty dang good this year. Mostly. But considering all the BAD I could've done, specifically when "H" suggested it to me, yeah, I was pretty good. On that note, I'd like to suggest a few things you could stuff in your sack for me this year.

Please bring me...

*a new heart. a bulletproof one. it is unbreakable and tough but will still allow me to feel the good in life. please wrap it in gold paper. that would be sweet.

*a videocamera that will follow me, invisible, everywhere I go. it will catch all of the amazing moments on film, to be immortalized forever in the video of my life.

*a big jar of patience. patience with myself, with my friends, with my family, and oh yeah...with myself.

*a copy of The Plan. that's right. i don't know how close you two are, but if He'd be so nice as to give you a copy to give to me that would be greatly appreciated. that way, when something happens and i stand there thinking "what the....", I could just refer to the Plan and it would all be clear. maybe you could frame it for me.

*an invisible suit. for those times i just want to disappear. (i guess if i get the unbreakable heart, i might not need this huh?) i promise to use this for good. sometimes.

*an airplane, for travel. and a copy of the Plan for all the world leaders. "duh, you idiot. this is what you should be doing."

*time, wrapped in a red bow. it's rechargable for multiple uses, and comes with the wisdom it holds. for those days i have none of it left. i will never use my extra time for homework. i promise you that.

*the friendship we used to have. you don't have to wrap it, and it doesn't even need a bow. don't try to shine it and get the imperfections out; sometimes that's what i liked best about it. when you leave this under the tree, feel free to take the awkward feelings and resentment, the heartache, and the anger with you. you can destroy those. i don't want them anymore.

*some magic eyes. the kind that can see what's good for me and ones that won't get stuck on my own opinions. they can see through excuses and have a multiple-viewpoint option. somedays i really need a new outlook on things.

*a song extractor. this would be awesome. it should be able to pull the song that's inside of me out, because i can never write it. it's incredibly hard to capture, but this thing would do it. and it would be painless. no, wait, it would only hurt just a little, because a bit of pain makes for a good song.

*love, sweet love. and while you're at it, give a box of this to the rest of the globe, too. Because, after all, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love."

Take care and thanks for the good stuff,





Jennifer N.

unexplainable

life is not measured by

the number of breaths we take,

but by the number of moments

that take

our

breath

away.

-unknown

I know the year's not over yet, but this is me getting that melancholy feeling I start to feel every end of every year. That's just me. I can't let things go. And I know that changing our calendars doesn't mean anything, but it feels like an end to me, and I hate change. I just don't want to let any of it go, you know? I'm the person who keeps every stub to every movie I go to with friends, and I take a zillion pictures, and I keep blogs like this going. Why? Cause I want something solid I can hold onto....I guess I want proof. Proof that my life really is what I think it is, that my memories are mine. I don't want to grow up. Because I LOVE LIFE. Do you ever feel just, really unexplainably happy about everything? I'm happy. But at the same time, I always wonder what's coming next. How will 2007 change me? I've hardly had a second to catch my breath this year, because it's all come at me so fast and so wonderfully. It was full of moments that took my breath away. I know you can't live in the past, but I need to keep in touch with it, I think.

remember when

I totally stole this idea from hannah's blog, but I liked it a lot, so here's my version.

Remember When...

We drove around the hotpot really slowly trying to figure out if "the plan" was going to work

We watched Ocean's Eleven. Haha. ..watched.

You finally kissed me and I don't even remember driving home, that's how happy I was. It was in the moonlight.

We played Pirates in the park all afternoon. Those are some of the best pictures ever.

I finally found out what it means to love someone.

We watched the sun set. We talked about Africa and birds that attack and then...that.

We found the song by accident. I have never written anything so truthful. Whether people realize what that song's about or not.

We sat on Kelsey's deck after everyone else left and just talked about what we're made of.

It all came crashing down. It was raining that morning. I lay in bed for the longest time thinking about what it meant. Neither of us could say...anything.

I checked off one of the items on my list. haha. you never even knew there was a list. I still have the wristband.

We used to go to "fairy keen" after swimming every night. Ranch burger with cheese, yours no tomato, and a slush every time. Our booth. The fishing net that held Morgan's dog.

We used to stay up late every Christmas Eve in one of our rooms, way too excited to sleep. You always woke me up.

We stopped at the far wall during one of Becka's workouts. You looked exactly like a gummybear, and I told you so.

We all realized that mothers and "My Humps" definately don't go together. lol. And erin's mom goes with "sexyback".

We sat in the basement and played Straight Up. I learned a lot, you dog.

We accidentally killed that California Condor in my car door.

And then I had a Snapple Explosion at the stoplight.

We totally used to use basketball games to get close to our crushes.

It was just the six of us. And we were tight. I really, really miss that.

You brought me a sunflower you picked on the side of the road while I was working.

All of you guys came to see me when I worked at Le Hub. I gave you all free fries. Lol. You left me a bunch of stuff. I still have it all, in a lime green envelope labeled "This is some good crap." It is good crap.

We stayed up for an hour or two in the hotel room naming all of this kind of stuff. The stuff that we miss.

You went on choir tour and called me every night. I think it was then that I started to love you.

We used to play the Question Game on MSN every time.

We invented Super Death Chess.

We first realized how much fun it is to go underwear shopping. lol.

We first hiked up the mountain to the top part. I think we talked about drugs, lol. I thought I would marry him.

You taught me how to play "blood brothers." i forgot.

We played "Sodom, South Georgia" in my room and sang. Yellow by Coldplay.

I first got my license and I totally drove into the barrier at Smith's.

"Swing Life Away" was our anthem.

We'd talked for like an hour every night on the phone. You refused to hang up.

We all played when the circus came this summer. I threw up. Lol. You took care of me. I got a new definition of love.

They gave us paper napkin roses at EFY.

We played SCUM in their hotel room.

The lady in the parking lot after Death Cab FREAKED out as I backed up. Then we got stopped in the canyon forever. I think she fell asleep.

We played on her trampoline, and lay there in blankets looking at the sky and trying to figure things out.

We filmed the first part of the "Willard" spoof.

We watched The Shining and ate like 42 otter pops.

It took a LOT of courage to give a Christmas present.

I fell in love for the first time.


I hope I never forget any of these.

Love, Jennifer

"smalltalk"

So Hannah's been being really whiny lately about me not blogging soon enough, so I hope you're happy Hannah. I'm blogging, lol.

Wow. I really have nothing at all to blog about. Kind of all I do is complain and "talk" (complain) about swimming, and I'm tired of both of those.

It snowed a bunch last night! I'm actually glad for this because at least now it's not all gross and melty-snowy slushy...ugh outside. Nice and pretty and white. And I'm pretty sure Berto and all those other crazy snowboarders/skiiers are freaking out. I would too if I snowboarded.

Well, that's pretty much all I can think of right now. I hate this. This blog sucks. It's like trying to make smalltalk with someone you don't even know and you have absolutely nothing to say. And now I'll end with an amazing quote by someone I can't quite remember.
"Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something."

I think I'll go wrap Christmas presents now. Hopefully tonight doesn't suck.

Love, Jennifer

super memorization day

Today was officially "super memorization day". It sucked. I studied presidents and the constitution for like three hours. Again, it sucked. BUT, I am now totally prepared for the Devil History final on Monday. That's always a nice feeling, when you're actually prepared for the giant test your evil professor has planned out for you. Sigh. Who decided that school had to get hard all of a sudden? It wasn't me, that's for sure.

This weekend was pretty good. On Friday I went to the Olive Garden and to A Christmas Carol at the Hale Theatre. What a good play! I actually enjoyed it, even though I had to miss out on iceskating and stuff with everyone. Then yesterday, Hannah and Morgan and I finally went to the Orchard to take black and white pictures for Morgan's secret project. I think they'll be really cute, whenever it is I get to see them. We're basically professionals when you place a camera in our hands. After that Morgan and I finally (!!) made notecards for History at her house, then I went back to Midway to my ward Christmas party. Then Morgan and I met up again and went to Kelsey's for her beeday party, which was a lot of fun. Morgan, Enano, Brady and I ended up sitting outside on the deck looking at the amazing view a just talking for awhile. It was my favorite. I love all of them mucho mucho. Later everyone watched John Tucker Must Die, finally for me, which was good. So good weekend.

See everyone tomorrow

Love, Jennifer

Inspiration, anyone?

So tonight I decided we could all stand to be a little more selfish. That's right, I said it. Let's break all the rules. When did we decide that everythign had to be about pleasing other people? When did I stop taking days to just paint ridiculous and pompous pictures with ridiculous, pompous names to sell on eBay? Lol. Just for a moment, let's remember ourselves, and what's important to us, and *gasp do something to make ourselves happy. Pure, unrelated-to-anyone else happy. Show yourself that you are you and that's completely perfect. Take a moment to breathe. yay. i'm me.

Take my life.

Alright, so my new favorite band of the week is officially the Weepies. I love finding good new music. Makes me mucho happy.

Here's a question, faithful blog readers. Somebody said, "You can take my life, but you will never take my freedom." What would you say? "You can take my life, but you will never take my...." I would say, "You can take my life, but you will never take my memories."

Not a lot to say, except that I'm sooo excited for Christmas and all. Yay! I love giving gifts.llllooovvve.itttt. And just a warning, I've been in a super weird mood lately, so if I seem like a psycho, just don't worry. Lol.

Much Love, Jennifer

(John) Snow!

It snowed a lot today! It was so crazy, one point, while I was at work, I looked out the window and it was like this complete whiteout. So cool. And along with massive amounts of snow, there was thunder at the same time. Impressive.

So, to explain this fantastic picture. While thinking about all of the newly fallen white, I thought I'd attach a picture for your viewing enjoyment, so I googled "snow". And I got this. That's right, Secretary of the Treasury, John W. Snow. This guy's in charge of money or something, so basically he rules America. All bow down. Ha.

Well, I think that's all for now. Happy first snowfall, bloggers! Especially you Britta. Perhaps you and snow could become good friends this winter?

The gray area

So I just spent like the last hour and a half reading about Vietnam, and now I feel all weird. Like, what is wrong with our world? ....Hmm. Wow, I don't have much else to say about that. I'm not sure how I feel about Iraq anymore. Ugh. I'm just...frustrated with everything right now, I guess. Because as nice as it is when things are black and white, that hardly ever happens. It's kind of hard to see through all of the gray. All I can do is keep reading the newspaper headlines and the articles and the views that are slanted one way or the other about our country and our leaders and the decisions that actually affect us. That's right, insurgents and armies and bombs in a desert far far away will eventually affect me in one way or another. Gray, gray, gray.

I think I need to stop being so serious. Lol.

Love, Jennifer

Heart is a strong word

I'm really really sad to see this week go. Looking back tonight, I realized that nice feeling I've felt all week, it's the summer feeling. You know, the summer feeling. It's been really nice, but I guess I'll have to get back to reality come monday, right?

Today we all went to Enano's to watch the BYU vs. Utah game. It was intense....I'm pretty sure certain members of certain teams' fanclubs had a few heart attacks. Lol. It was great. We were all divided on the couches according to which team you were rooting for. Britta, Tyler, Hannah, and Berto were for BYU, while, Enano, Lurpie, Randi, Erin, and Spiva were for Utah. I was kind of impartial on the matter, so I sat somewhat in the middle, and had a fun time freaking out along with everyone else. In the end, BYU won in this freak twist of events, which Britta and her followers were infinitely happy about. So that was nice. Also, we played Super Death Chess. The showdown was probably the most amazing so far in SDC history.

After that we went to Lurpie's, where we watched Anchorman. Um. Lol, that's about all I have to say about that. Lol. movie. Then we somehow got ourselves into going to make a fire at Kelsey's house. It was sooo cold, and Randi, Morgan, and I were in flipflops. Crazy us. We couldn't feel our toes after like, two minutes lol. Something called for all of us to trek into the darkness through the brush to get to the dried up pond, and when I got back, something kind of hurt on my foot, so I looked down, and found like, a million little plant spines coming out of my foot. It was a little scary.

I tried to pull them out, but there was no light outside, so I went inside to try. No go. I had like one left, but it was teeny and I didnt' want to break it, so I kind of gave up. But it hurt like no other. Everyone felt really bad cause I'm dumb and walked through brush with flipflops, but I just felt bad that they felt bad. Wasn't their fault lol. Morgan thinks they were probably poisoned. Haha. Just kidding.

After that little incident, we mostly stayed inside, doing tricks (ha), playing on the phone, and telling stories and jokes. Mucho bueno. I got to know Kelsey somewhat, which I was very happy for. She's great. I love meeting new people.

The end. So that was today, pretty much. I went swimming this morning. Lol, mostly I just played with my flippers.

Love, Jennifer

"Heart is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't love you."

Hap~py

hap~py  /~hæpi/
–adjective, -pier, -piest.
1.
delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2.
characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3.
favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4.
apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.


joyous

joyful

blithe

cheerful

merry

contented

blissful

satisfied

euphoric

My heart could burst with joy...

I'm in a pretty good mood. Haha.

...just one last thought.

I've decided it all comes down to insecurities. Thanks for all the good comments. I'm just looking out for the literary well-being of the internet. Ha.

Leaving a mark.

Why is it that an old person will take every possible opportunity to tell you their life story? And I'm not even talking about relatives. I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing, but what makes a person so desperate to make sure their stories are known, that they will be remembered, that they made their mark on the world before they died? What difference will that make? What are they afraid of? Do they (the old people) know something that I don't? It's like, the last few years of their lives (and somehow they know when those are) they realize they didn't do or say all this stuff that they needed to. I don't know. This is just really weird to me.

People in power all throughout history made sure that monuments were made to honor them, or their name got put in writing, with all their accomplishments. That was important to them; they needed to know that the world would not forget them when they were gone. Why is that? Some of the people the world remembers most did not purposely do anything with the objective of simply being remembered for it. Maybe that's it. Being remembered will depend on not what you did to be remembered, but what you did to make a difference.

On the other hand, who have we forgotten? What if they did great things? Probably so. Does the fact that we maybe didn't remember them lessen the fact that they changed the world? No. So I guess that's my point. (Here you are thinking, What?? This had a point?!) Why is everyone so concerned with being remembered? If you do good things, they will make an impact. Does it matter that you get credit? I feel like I'm missing something here.

Love, Jennifer

i love it

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh break.

my plans

As run down as I am this week, somehow I still keep going, knowing that we only have two days of school next week. That's right! Two! After that, all I have planned are some relaxing (ha) activities with the fammy and the friends. And Turkey Day! Ahh the stuffing. And pie. Ahh the sitting around. And sleeping. Ahh the no school. And shopping for winter things. Just thinking about all of it puts me in a good mood.

Not a ton has been happening lately, so the blogs have been sort of bland. Oh well. I got promoted to Varsity, so yesterday was my first challenge set with Becka. It kind of sucked. My muscles sort of melted from the continual pulls with paddles. She's kind of a nazi. I wanted to ask to see her book. What book? she'd say. Your nazi regime handbook, I would answer. And that would be the last varsity challenge set I'd have to do. Haha. Tempting. BUT, I did make it, and it wasn't actually as bad as I had imagined it to be. So I was happy about that.

Dear people reading this blog: This week is my break week. I'm going to hang out with all of you a super lot. So if you're bored, call me, and there is a 99% chance we will then hang out. No, no, 99.99%. We will have mucho fun. Call, call, call. Because I refuse to be bored the one chance I get to have fun!

Well, that's all for now. Yay, only one event per day at the PC meet this weekend! Yay HELLOGOODBYE!!!

Much Love, Jennifer

O

Wow, life moves fast.

Wisdom from Souza

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure ever moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination." ~Souza

Sometimes, it takes another person to put into words what I can't.

Love, Jennifer

A billion billion

You know what? By the time you feel sick, you already have a billion billion bacterias invading your system. Gross. I woke up this morning to the feeling of a billion billion foreign things swimming around in me, making me feel sick. Not my favorite way to start the day.

So, I was in a pretty bad mood, and didn't feel up to any kind of workout at all at practice. I'd do a set (as well as i could), then stop, feeling all angry that my body wasn't cooperating and my system had been invaded. After awhile, my body just overheated and I felt pretty dang crappy, so I stood by the wall, and periodically stuck my face in the water, which was cool and fantastic. I looked like such a psycho, like i was searching for something under there. Hannah asked if I was okay, i said "maybe" or something like that, but really i wondered. At that moment I realized that perhaps I had reached some sort of crisis in my life, because I was pretty sure I had gotten sick from stress. My life's all crazy now. ehh. No time for anything. It's frustrating. So, I sat like that, at the end of the pool with my face in the water, and for once my life was pure and uncomplicated, and nice. Nice. lol.

Love, Jeb

what a weird week.

hey! so,its been a weird week so far...i've been kind of really annoyed over stupid stuff. sort of. little things that usually don't matter do this week, and i'm getting sort of tired of it. does God have a computer? If he does, i bet it's the most amazing computer ever. I bet it has a "smite" button. I wish I had a computer like that. If I did, I would probably hit the "escape" button right now, and I would be sent to jamaica or something. Or, it would just end the week for me. That would be way cool. also, God's computer does not need to be defragmented, which mine does, which is why i'm using dan's laptop, with these weird flat buttons. it makes for very slow typing. lots of mistakes.

so anyway, weird week. I felt i should explain about this because of my last blog entry, which i now realize was kind of emotional. and psychotic. oops. well goodnight.

In the middle, and not knowing about anything apparently.

So I've been thinking tonight how weird everything is for me right now...like, I'm in the middle of...everything. In the middle of caring about school, I don't care, but I don't not. In the middle of liking someone. I still do, but I know it might be better to not... In the middle of being good at swimming, and sucking. Ugh. I'd like for once to be decisive. To know what I actually want. Maybe then I could be working towards it? Bleahh. I'm feeling like the people I think I know, I acually don't. How depressing is that? I find out these stupid details of their lives that shouldn't matter, but they hit me in such weird ways that they seem really important to me. And how did I not know about those kinds of things before? It's depressing. Bleahh.

Happy monday! everyone loves mondays, obviously...

Some weird emotion,
Jeb

ps-it's probably best if all of you at least pretend like you don't know how nuts i am.

I hate...

Soooo, pretty much, I hate being right, I hate getting let down, I hate not knowing what to do, I hate having to pretend, I hate knowing I'll be waking up at five, I hate 'could'ves and would'ves', and I hate knowing I will forgive them. I hate that. Oh, and I also hate being rejected by dead relatives. Lol.

Love, Jeb.

Numero One-Oh-Oh

Guess what this is! Post number 100! I'm pretty excited about this, for obvious reasons. So now the question to ask myself has to be, what's changed in my life during those 100 posts? A lot. Lol.

I've been thinking a lot about what I really want nowadays, and .... I haven't found many answers. I think a lot about who I'm going to end up with. And the thing is, I know who I'd like to be with, but...doesn't always work out. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have to try at these things or not. I mean...if it was meant to be, it would just happen, wouldn't it? Too many questions.

So happy 100th post! Go celebrate and hug someone! Drop stereotypes! Do something bold! Do something to make people happy! Be yourself!

Mucho mucho love, Jennifer

Update

Well, I haven't actually blogged a real blog for awhile, so here goes.

I KNOW that swimming is incredibly boring if you don't know anything really about it, but I'll post it anyway, seeing as how it's consuming greater and greater portions of my life. So, at the PC meet today, ....it sucked. I just didn't have a great meet, for whatever reason. I think I probably added time on all my events. Ugh. Oh well. I swam a 200 free, and surprisingly, that was probably my best event, which i've never actually swam before. Woohoo.

Tomorrow no school for Jennifer because of an FBLA thing, so that's where I'll be. Sure beats trig. Anywho, I should get back Saturday afternoon, and hopefully I'll have an amazing night after that.

And about the one thing I thought about the one girl and The one guy, I so called it. So called it. I guess I should learn to stop saying things out loud, because of my power and all, eh?

What Sarah Said

A little bit of genius from Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard...

What Sarah Said

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..

To my blog readers

Sorry, i've been neglecting all of you, sort of. But I still love you with all I possess. I'm just lazy this week. Blog on.

Ohh

It's snowing, and that's so weird to me. So weird. It's October! Fall has a lot of time left, doesn't it? So sad. I do love Thanksgiving and Christmas however, so this might be a good sign for me. I feel better during winter.... it just has this feel-good feeling, where I'm happy for no reason at all. It's snuggly. And warm...you get to be close to people, because it's so cold outside. I love it.

There was a swim meet in Tooele yesterday, and I liked it a lot. I dropped two seconds in my 100 free, so now I'm at 1:11:98. I was soo happy about that one! coach told me it was "outstanding", and even Becca said nice things. Lol. My 100 back was painful as ever, but I pushed through it and dropped 3/4 of a second on it. so now I'm at a 1:25:something. As long as I drop time, no matter how small, I will be happy. We got to stop at Carl's Jr after for food, and it was perhaps the best food EVER.

Much Love, Jennifer

I am such a square...

I was a dice last night (die?) for Erin's costume party...let me tell you, it's not easy living inside a box. You can't hug anybody, you can't dance, and i bet you can't get through those spinny counter things that you have to walk through. It was way fun though...Happy late birthday Erin!

I decided today that I probably will be going to Turkey Trot, as long as there isn't some big conflict with a swim meet. I realized also that swimming eats up a LOT of time! I like it enough though, that it's worth it. Now to think of an amazing (cheap) way to ask him... it is also daunting. Could homecoming ever be topped? I doubt it. Brady was a very fun date; Michael insists that every girl is madly in love with Spiva. Lol. Random fact for you.

On Friday the most amazing thing was created...The Cream Pie song! It ROCKS. And I am not even kidding. Me, Britta, Besto, and Michael totally created a band and wrote the song at Lurpe's house. As I was sitting on the bed in the music room, playing the acoustic, with besto on drums, britta on electric, and michael doing bass, I though to myself, "my life is now complete." I was seriously sooo happy at that moment, because I love music, and I LOVE my friends. There could not be better people!

Later that night after everyone else had to go home, Michael and I went to Brady's house (we found him at work earlier when besto was there), and sat downstairs talking. Very nice. Sometimes, I really like to just do nothing. Michael called to say he was sleeping over, and I said that the idea probably wouldn't fly with my dad....lol. Might be fun for laughs though. :) I was pretty sleepy by then and probably said some psycho stuff... haha oh well.

Now I must go get ready for bed, including all my swimming stuff. Time to start the swimming game all over again. Meets every week from now on, pretty much. Woohoo.

Love, Jeb

handicap bathrooms

So everybody knows that you can't park in handicapped spots, unless you're handicapped of course. It's just a nice, moral thing to do. So I was wondering today, does the same rule apply to bathrooms? Like, I have no idea if guys' bathrooms have handicapped stalls, but girls' definately do....can I use those? Because I like them so much more. They're not so SMALL! (haha, hannah, recall a certain incident at the movie theater?) So that's my big question for the day... lol.

Love, Jeb

Hellooooooo

Hola, mi amigo! Bonjour, mon frere. Guten Tag. Goeie dag. Sa'ida. Oki niksokowa. Ni sa bula vi naka. Konnichi wa! So I think you get it. I'm in a good mood today!

FBLA went on a fieldtrip, so I didn't have to go to school! And all I have to make up for it is one three-question quiz in Trig...hallelujah! I fell asleep during the star show at the planetarium, which i felt bad for, for some reason, but it was a good nap. and I am a swimmer, so I have an excuse. It seems like I'm always squeezing in things at inappropriate times now. I read stupid history chapters all day long during other classes, I sleep whenever possible... I'm such a pro at sleeping upright! I have a fantastic story about that, so i'll tell you later if you really want lol. Anyway, what is this about again....?

Tomorrow I'll miss all of my classes except one to take this PSAT test thing, which isn't really going to count for anything, I'm thinking. Not because I'm not smart, but because there are lots of other people out there who care about it way more than I do and spend a lot more time PREPARING for this type of stuff. Sometimes I just like to show up and see what happens, just for kicks, you know? Haha. So tomorrow will be easy, although boring.

Thursday is a swim meet! I'm excited, but very very nervous! It's like, the first REAL meet of the season. I'm swimming backstroke in the 200 medley relay (ehhh), i'm in the 400 relay (free), 100 free, and 50 free. No 100 back! thank you, whoever is responsible for that! So, i'm excited. AND, apparently we'll be back in time to make it to the last home football game! I love fb games :D

Song of the Day: "natural blues" by moby. not because i'm sad, but because it's a cool song.
Color of the Day: steel gray. it matches the sky; i love it
Quote of the Day: "Ilikka bih ba-uh pa-carn..."
Feelings of the Day: sleepiness, drive, stress, relief, accomplishment, happiness, excitement
Person(s) of the Day: Morgan and Spiva. Because of tree-hugger-day plans.

Much Love, Jeb

This blog sucks. Read it anyway.

Wow so today was pretty good, considering it was a monday and all. I did a lot of that thing, you know, the procrastinating thing. Funny, I realize that it's just going to make my life harder later, but still, somehow I guess I don't care.

I'm starting to realize the harder I work to try and make things go my way, the less I do. When i just sit back and stop freaking out, usually things turn out better. Hmm. Weird. Isn't this somehow backwards? Eh. Anyway, maybe if I just let things happen, they'll start to go my way. Seems like that hasn't happened for at least...ugh. Like, four months. Sick.

Sorry, blog readers. This one sucked. I love you guys anyway!

Much love, Jeb

They don't know

Think of the person (non-family member) who loves you the most. Who cares about you the very most. Who is it? But what if you're totally wrong? What if there's someone out there who cares about you more than anyone else in the world....and you could go forever without ever knowing it. You could never know that there was always someone who loved you, nomatter what you did or said, or how bad you screwed things up. Someone who thought about you every night, and worried about you, and did everything they could to make life easier for you, you just never knew it. Wow. What if we all have one of these people? And we don't even know. What if you are one of these people? And they don't even know....

It's Wednesday...No, Friday!

Today was Friday! In a Wednesday kind of way, anyway. I am soooooooo happy because it's UEA break starting tomorrow, so no school Thurs or Fri. Today we all hung out pretty much all day, then all went to the football game. Wasatch lost. Surprise. Somehow I'm still disappointed every time we lose, although i should be getting used to it, I guess. Crazy me. Squash that optimism. So anyway, it was a good night. I'm working on (REALLY working on) not freaking out over stuff, or reading into every single detail of things, or overanalyzing everything that happens. That stuff'll drive me nuts. Surprisingly, it's working, and things are going okay. Yay.

Hmm, what else? So I met, like, actually met, Hannah's friend T tonight, which was...interesting. Some people have weird ideas of first impressions i guess. Lol, but I'm willing to forget that happened and maybe start over. Because I did eventually get my hat back. And because eventually I choose to be a good person most of the time. ha.

Well, that's about all I've got for today. Now for an amazing quote to make you happy. And hungry for rice.

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
-Mitch Hedberg

Love Jeb

On nights when I don't actually have to get up at five to swim, I always feel like if i don't stay up really late, i've wasted it. so i end up staying up until like two a.m., which makes it very hard to get back into "five a.m. mindset" when i have to again. it's dumb lol.

this is a blog about NOTHING!

Everything on my mind, I don't really want to post here, so there's nothing else to say. Only that i'm frustrated with everything and I don't understand why I'm freaking out about stuff so much. It's just simple stuff. Stuff that I shouldn't worry about, but I do. Bleahhhaddhadkf. Good thing I posted all that, now you guys definately understand. lol

Who reads this blog anyway? Just a little science experiment, everyone who reads this has to comment. just your name if you want, but I'm curious to know who's reading. it may affect future blogs lol.

Love, Jeb.

ohhh i forgot. Everyone went to Brady's to watch X-men tonight, which was mucho fun. I wish we could all be together every weekend.......i love it! Morgan adn I wrote an emo song for everyone, which was amazing and so fantastically emo. Michael cried. lol jk.

Love again, Jeb.

a poem.

Here is a poem I wrote (sort of, in my head), while swimming laps and laps.

While I'm Under

I feel so slick
As I slip in again.
While I'm under
It becomes clear that
I live in two worlds now
And who could tell which one came first?
For awhile I forget
That breathing doesn't involve water.
Only rhythms now; in's and out's
Left's and Right's
And so many numbers.
Down below, it is only patience,
And impatience.
It is pain,
And glory.
The pool is my enemy,
And it is my best friend.
After awhile I start to feel like a machine,
My arms never stop moving,
And I forget that I used to like air.
As light dances and slides along the bottom,
It's like little droplets of rain on my back
And I feel weird, like I'm watching
Through a camera.
It's so quiet and so loud all at once.
A voice somewhere above
Is all distorted, like an invisible hand
Is playing with the frequency and volume knobs
Somewhere.
It is saying, Go on, Go on
So I do.
I might want to stop...
But the water is
just
too
slick.

In accounting

So here I am in accounting, sitting here because we were supposed to have a test today, but the juniors had an assembly sort of thing so no test. Which has happened twice today! First, for the first time EVER, no devil quiz in ednet history! And now accounting! Makes me very happy. :) Hmmm what else? Idk. Life is kind of...boring....ish....right now, just because nothing is happening. Although I will say, I LOVE love LOVE everyone i hang out with! This year we started hanging out with mike, spiva, besto, erin, britta, and sometimes kelsey more and it rocks. I love it. I definately agree with Brady when he says this winter will be amazing, because it will.

Lately i'm getting really scared of graduating! I still have this year and next, but I really like high school....and don't want it to end! I hate change! That's my biggest thing, I definately hate change, because most of the time I love where i am, and what i'm doing. No change. Lol.

On Friday I went with "maria" to this banquet sort of thing, which was a fundraiser for an organization called "the pregnancy resource center." It was interesting, lol. But the food was delicious! It was pretty cool though, we got to see a live ultrasound....it's soooo cool. Makes everything that happens and puts everything I see now into a different perspective. So weird.

Well.........that's mostly all i got. I am soo bored.

Love, Jeb

Sat-ur-day

Today was one of those days when everything got put into perspective. I know, I complain a lot. And if you've read any of these, you know it too. But days like this make me realize how stupid I am sometimes, how insignificant my problems are. It's so weird when you realize that, but I guess in a good way it opens your eyes. Too bad bad things have to happen, right? Yeah.

Love, Jeb

Nothing, dentist, emo song

Hmm well not much has been happening.... This week was somewhat boring, only because I've been looking forward to the weekend pretty much since Sunday night. I got to sleep in this morning! That's the best feeling ever. :D

I had to go to the dentist, which obviously you want to hear about, but it was actually funny. I told my dentist the date which I would like to have le braces off, and he actually agreed! it was kind of a joke, lol. A hopeful joke, but still. So that was nice. and then the girl who was...doing everything...you know, working on me, was very entertaining. She was the same age as my brother, and kept talking about what she did during high school, how her group of friends taunted cheerleaders and ruled PE. Lol. It was funny. Everything in my mouth got switched around, the springs and all. Yes, I have SPRINGS in my mouth. And they're really tiny, so when Dr. O attaches them, it's all very intricate and time-consuming. While he was doing that, I just kept thinking to myself, I feel like he's building one of those tiny model villages in my mouth! I almost laughed, but I probably would've been stabbed or something. Not out of anger, but because there are lots of tools in my mouth lol. Anyway...

Spiva, Mike, and Britta are writing an emo song! I told them they should do it, and now they actually are, which is exciting. Spiva says it will be so emo, I'll cry. I can't wait.

Much love, Jennifer

Homecoming ROCKED

........if I may say so myself. Spiva was the best date, and we had the best group, so it ended up being really really fun. We all met at Enano's house for Brunch, which was fantastic, then drove to Provo to go to Classic skating. There was a little issue with the van and a LOG, but that's all I'll say about that! haha! Skating was awesome. There were tons of little kids everywhere, and I came pretty close to (accidentally) killing about three of them. Fun though. After that we went home and got ready. We looked hot. All of us, lol. It was great. Then we went to Lake's house to take a million (great) pictures, then had dinner. It was so cool, his house was all set up like this Italian restraunt, and there was a chocolate fountain! Mmmmmmmm.

After we left his house, we went to a couple others for more pictures, then to the dance. On the way, Michael, Hannah, Brady, and I stopped at the ATM in Days, where everyone stared and we enjoyed it. We decided to do it every weekend. Then to the dance at UVSC. Mucho waiting for pictures, but when we finally got to them, they were a lot of fun. Mine and Brady's is going to be amazing, and the group shot was good also. The dance was actually fun, surprise! Seriously, I loved our group. They were all lots of fun to dance with. So, Homecoming was amazing. THE END.

Love, Jennifer

PS: Your cheek looks LONELY. *swat!
My birthday is in two days!

Bowling and Being Stuck on Mountains

Friday ROCKED, all I will say is: Jun Kung Pow, Karate, Lovesac, Frozen Yogurt, Spiva drives like a crazy person, and Princess Swan. Lol.

Saturday morning I woke up and got a "somewhat depressing" text from "someone," which I won't go into detail, because hey, this is the internet, but just know it wasn't the best way to start my day. Then I go up on this mountain with my mom for a camp openhouse, where the car decides to break down, right on the top. Three hours later a towtruck finally came and got us. I got to ride in a towtruck for the first time though! lol.

That night Enano and I went bowling, which was awesome! Haha, I forgot how much fun bowling actually is, and also I forgot how bad I am! Just kidding....I'm only sort of bad. It was disappointing, Enano wanted "his" bowling shoes, which have his initials written on them, but the guy couldn't find them. He had to settle. After waiting for a few minutes, laughing at the people in sequins and pimp hats, we got our lane and worked our bowling magic lol. We played two games, and we found out I have this impressive ability to hit only the far right (single) pin. Everytime. Haha...the second go I could get some others, but that one pin, every first time...

We left and Enano wanted a burrito thing, so we went to Taco Time across the street, and had a fun time trying to get something coherent out of the drive-up order thing. Finally we did it, in English, then went to Lurpe's house to get (we thought) just Lake and Erin, who we would hang out with. We wait outside, neither of us really wanting to go to the door...I wonder WHY, then finally I call Erin and tell her we're there. They come out, with Britta (short hair!), which was fine, but then they are sort of waiting at the door, which makes me nervous. Then Lurpe and Randi come out, and both of us are like "oh crap". Lake tells us to go to Enano's to get blankets, because we're going to the "stargazing spot". GREAT. Perfect, the very day it all happens, I get to go up and watch them cuddle or ..... you know, whatever, at the stargazing spot. Enano and I decide No Thank You, so we do some strategic driving, then he takes me home, and then he goes home, I guess. Lame. Not a great plan, Lake. Geez.

So there was my weekend! Somehow, I didn't fall apart, and really, I'm feeling pretty good about things now. I'm fine! Zonino! Good feeling.

Much love, Jeb.

STRENGTH

Do not focus on the difficulty of the road, but the glory of the destination.
Joseph B. Wirthlin

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men! Do no pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for power equal to your tasks.
Phillips Brooks

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never, never, never give up.
Winston Churchill

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of.
Jonathan Swift

I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
Thomas A. Edison

Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men.
— Mahatma Gandhi

Anyone can give up; it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that's TRUE STRENGTH.
— Unknown

Going on

Today was just one of those freak super-bad days. Like, you only have one of these a few times a year. I hate it. It's like nothing would go right, no matter how hard I tried. It sucks. I got the worst news. The worst thing you could do to a person? Crush their hope. I was happy it rained today though, it seemed to match everything else.

I was really surprised, I guess. All of this stuff happened, all at once, but I'm still here. I'm still okay, right? Something made me finish the day, something made me keep going although I really should've given up. What is that? Everyone has it. That extra something that makes people do miraculous things in terrible circumstances. A lot of the time that miracle is just that they keep going. What is that? I'm not saying that me not giving up was anything great, but when you think of the feeling in other situations, what it does for people, it is amazing. I'm not sure anyone could survive living a life unless there was something outside of them making them go on through those terrible freak days, or months, or years.

What will tomorrow be like? I don't even know. Maybe it will be better, but maybe I'll have two freak-bad-days in a row. Maybe. But I learned a little more about myself today, how something will push me on. Good.

Love, Jeb

Swim practice started,

And my muscles hate me.

Love, Jennifer

Long weekend...

Today was good, I went to church, which was pretty fun because my aunt and uncle and little cousin Marcus came with us. Marcus is the cutest little boy, sooo funny and smiley. Anyway, got home, and since it was my uncle lee's birthday, made him a chocolate (chock-o-lick) pie. took a nap, then when I woke up I took the pie to him. Happy birthday, lol. After that my dad took me for a ride on his motorcycle, which rocked. It was really fun...makes me want to learn how to drive it. Almost lol. I decided, though, that whoever I marry must take me on motorcycle rides :)

The weekend kind of sucked on nights, lol, but the days were fun. It was swiss days, so I got to watch hoardes of people invade midway! haha... i love it though. Even though I forgot to glue the quarter to the sidewalk, which is like a tradition for toni and i. We did start a new tradition though....haha, "every girl's dream....." Friday they cancelled the Swiss Days stomp, which was LAME. Saturday I got to hang out with Morgan for awhile, and got to meet a friend of hers, (finally!) so that was good.

And tomorrow, no school! And no labor! Lol....sleeping in!

Much love, Jennifer

The pool

I went swimming for the first time in forever on Thursday. It was fantastic. I got there sort of latish, so there was no one around. The lights were off, except for the pool lights, under the water. It was perfectly quiet. The water was just waiting for me, a flawless, smooth sheet of crystal clear blue. Sooo perfect. Amazing. I knew that it would be the day I finally conquered the pool, then, because I knew it had to happen on a perfect night like this, and everything would have to be just right.

I dipped in, and it was cold, but not bad, perfect once you were underwater. I pushed off the wall, and realized I could see all the way down the length of the pool, the water was still perfectly still; the ripples I created hadn't caught up to me yet. I started stroking and forgot how good it felt to swim. I thought it would be hard for me, but as I made the first fifty, then 100, then 150, it was fine. I had only planned on doing a 200, but I thought, why not 300? one hundred later my arms are starting to burn a little, and my head's starting to feel a little light. I made it to three hundred, then realized that I was going to make it to five hundred. That's like, unheard of for me. I HATE five hundreds. By now I'm getting really tired, and starting to think about how if I passed out, no one would find me in the pool before I died. I kept swimming.

Four hundred hurts a lot, four hundred fifty makes you numb, and the last fifty goes by unnoticed. The last twenty-five, I didn't even think I had the option to stop after I finished it. silly me. Like I'd be swimming, all numb like I was, forever. I did stop though, and lifted myself out of the pool. My arms felt funny. My legs felt even weirder. jelly. I thought my muscles had probably become some sort of slush. i was so proud of myself. I stood there, looking at the now unperfect water, knowing I had conquered it. For now.

After that I sprinted a little, did some backstroke and fly, then kicks. Dolphin kicks only on your back...ouch. By that time, I started to get "paranoid indian" (haha don't ask) syndrome, and started seeing people out of the corner of my eye, watching me from the pool chairs. when I'd put my head under water, I'd hear doors shutting and chairs moving. I got scaarrrred. lol. finally I left, but I swear, there were people in the empty room. lol. Crazy me.

Much love, Jennifer