make-over and goodbye

Woohoo blog makeover! i thought the contrast was fine with the text and everything, but someone else thought it isn't. What do you think? See you Wednesday...ish.

Love, Jennifer

ps--I posted a new blog, but it has been a draft for a few days, and got posted for March 24, the day I began it.

Bad Skin Day?

So. I've kind of reached the conclusion that no one reads this blog anymore. At least anyone I know. And that could be a good thing I suppose; sometimes it's just nice to send my thoughts out into the big nothingness that is the internet.

Lately my quest for lucid dreaming has come to a halt. Absolutely no progress. It could be because it's all connected, my "real" life, my emotions, and the dreams. And lately there's been a bump in my life, a shift in the nice order of how things were going, and perhaps my dreams are responding to that. I don't know. It's all just a bunch of frustration at the moment. Real life more than dreaming.

I feel like i'm stuck lately. When I try to behave one way, nothing is solved, nothing changes. And if I change that at all, let my emotions slip, show my helplessness and frustration, it's worse. So much worse. It's pushed further in the opposite direction. I feel like there's nothing I can do, and the one way I used to have to solve things is inaccessible. Am I complaining too much? Probably. But what else can I do? I have no jars to smash.

I swear, no more complaining after this blog. This is all I will say to those I need to say things to.


I wish I were still an important part of your life.

I am happy for you but wish we still had what we did before. It's strangely important to me.

I wish you would all understand that I am only who I am.

I wish you would've given me the chance, but that doesn't matter anymore. What I wish now is that I would see you once in awhile, and we would talk.


That's all; really it is.

Love, Jennifer

...

I feel like an idiot. Sometimes I get these thoughts in my head, just give myself over to being an idealist and then....ah. I come to my senses. Realize that I've been so stupid, so naive. It's the worst. And disappointing. So stupid.

Jeopardy

So, I love watching Jeopardy. And this is kind of funny, because at the same time it's the most annoying game in the world. But still... there's something really gratifying about watching a contestant's pure happiness at answering the most obscure trivia questions. Some of us are good at art, some are good at math, some at mechanical stuff, and then some are just good at knowing everything there is to know. These are the jeopardy contestants.

One of my favorite moments is when a contestant chooses a "daily double" square. The look that follows is something like, "Oh, my. Well this is very pleasing and fortunate," which is also a description of the look every time they answer a question correctly. --Those are the likeable contestants (likeable in a mockable way). We as viewers are impartial towards these contestants because although they know much more useless information than we do, they do not flaunt it. They know they are smart, but have the humility to pretend that they are slightly surprised when it comes through.

There are also the contestants that you immediately hate, because 1)they are very proud of themselves for simply being on jeopardy while you are merely on the couch at home, 2)they smirk, yes, smirk when answering correctly, as if they always get every answer right, and 3)they always get the answer right.

Sometimes there are awkward moments on jeopardy when a particularly tough question comes up and no one answers. Alex feels uncomfortable, the contestants feel uncomfortable, I feel uncomfortable, and so does the rest of America. I think Alex is annoyed, and the contestants' self-esteem drops at least 500 points, whereupon they must move decisively in the following questions to make up for such an error. The likeable contestants just press on with earnest effort, whereas the humiliating situation of not knowing who forgot to leave property taxes in his will causes the hated contestants to monopolize the board (even more if possible) in order to assert that they are, once again, the Ruler of the Universe. In return, America hates them even more, yet strangely reveres them in a whole new way once they win the whole game and know lots more stuff than we do.

An interesting fact about jeopardy is that Alex really doesn't care about the answering in the form of a question rule (he simply reminds them to rephrase their answer if necessary), whereas my brother Dan will heatedly point out that although I knew the answer a full three minutes before he did, I did not phrase it in the form of a question and should therefore be sent back to second grade.

I hate (love) jeopardy.

Love, Jennifer

dreams and bombs

Update on dreaming: This is good. Really good.

I had a mostly lucid dream. I've realized that just when I'm waking up, my mind speeds up and plays little clips from all of the dreams I've had. It's like rushing through a movie tunnel or something. It's at this moment that I realize they were all dreams and I realize I'm about to wake up. Well, today, I was rushing through the tunnel, and I thought, stop. And everything just stopped moving and settled on one dream. And I totally went back into that dream and did so lucidly. I had to try very hard to hold onto everything; I knew I was waking up.

Sweet! But I must say, it was far less vivid than a normal dream, and felt kind of forced, but that could be because it was an exit-dream (from the tunnel), or also it could just be because i'm not good at dreaming lucidly yet. And also it lasted for maybe fifteen seconds before my mind gave up and I woke up.

But still, I'm really happy about that.

In other strange news, there was a bomb threat today, and the entire school district evacuated every school. There were fire engines, Hazmat trucks, news choppers, SWAT choppers, all of it. It was surreal. I felt very strange thinking about what it would actually be like if I were in a building and a bomb went off. What kind of instincts kick in in that moment? What do you even think about? Anyway, luckily nothing happened, and as of yet, I haven't heard that they found anything anywhere. Looks like I'll still have to go to school tomorrow. But looks like we're all safe, so I suppose that's much better anyway.

Love, Jennifer

It's Okay

Slightly more upbeat? Thanks for being really great, blog readers. I'll post when I get back from the conference. :)


Letter to Self.
March 9, 2008

Dear Jennifer,

It's okay that you don't have a boyfriend. Really. It's okay that you don't have perfect skin or a perfect body. It's okay that you don't have the perfect job. It's also okay that you're not a pro at Chemistry and yes, that you are the only senior in the class. It's okay that you like to do things to shock people. It's okay, even necessary, to buy yourself gifts every now and then for no reason. It's okay to feel proud of your creativity.

It's okay to feel jealous when your friends choose others over you. It's okay to be worried about college. And marriage. It's okay, sometimes, to walk forward into the dark without a definite plan. It's okay to take chances. And it is even okay to be alone, to feel alone. It is okay to ask questions, my friend. That is how you'll get the answers.

Love, Me.

Stuff White People Like

alright, I'm in love with this. I wish I would've thought of it myself...

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

And it's so true...hahaha.

Love, Jennifer

When you know you're dreaming...

So my little goal lately has been to become a lucid dreamer. So lucid is:

1.	easily understood; completely intelligible or comprehensible: a lucid explanation.

2.	characterized by clear perception or understanding; rational or sane: a lucid moment in his madness.

3.	shining or bright.

4.	clear; pellucid; transparent.

....and so, lucid dreaming is simply the state of being completely aware in dreams. Knowing that you are dreaming while you are dreaming. The idea is that once you become aware, you can make your dreams go in whichever direction you'd like. It's kind of this ultimate freedom thing.

I remember learning about this a few years ago, and really wanting to and trying, but it never really happened. And here I am again. My plan is this: several times a day, simply ask myself if I am dreaming. I kind of feel like a crazy person when I do this, but it's about all I can go with. So far it hasn't really been working too well. I forget to ask myself during the day, and definitely when I dream. I've been waking up remembering that I'm supposed to have asked myself and forgot. Kind of disappointing.

This afternoon, after my lovely day of being a Ring Ceremony Food Guru (haha!), I came home and took a good nap. I can't remember really what I dreamt of, but I woke up and had this strange feeling. I realized that I didn't actually get to ask myself if I was dreaming, but the question had been there, just kind of in the murky shadows on the edges of consciousness. The vague impression of the question was floating around. I couldn't actually think of it through the haze, but the question was there, somewhere as I dreamt. I'm really excited about this development. I'm that much closer, you know?

Love, Jennifer

PS--- Love, love, LOVE August Rush.

A post-it for the world...

(To be placed on the earth)

I'm not sure it's big enough. In size anyway. In concept, however...







That's all for today.

Love, Jennifer

Weird Things I Love

(all true)

• The smell of playdough. And playing with it.
• Dying in dreams. (I'm not crazy and suicidal, they are just the most interesting)
• The smell of chlorine on skin.
• Cilantro. In pretty much everything.
• Squishing the avocado out of its skin.
• White towels that smell nice and bleachy when they're hot and wet.
  
• Driving through fog.
• The smell of the darkroom.
• Waking up early on your own, then getting to sleep for another hour before you actually have to get up. Love that.
• Collecting plants.
• (This is a really good one.) There's a certain stoplight, where if you're at it at just the right time of day, and the sky is really clear and turquoise-blue, the red of the light against the blue of the sky is insanely beautiful. Insanely.
• The smell of the air coming out of the laundry vent thing outside. (shared with M)
• Leaving wet footprints on the sidewalk.

That's all for now. (I'm sure there are like five thousand more)

Love, Jennifer

A lesson in friendship.

Currently listening to: Yesterday's Feelings by The Used
Currently feeling: much better than I have, and kind of accomplished.
Currently craving: summer, or just a bunch of sunny days.


Hello everyone,


I was thinking yesterday about what it means to be a true friend. And whether or not I fall into that category; whether I'm a good friend. The very best ones, the ones that you can always count on, care about you more than they care about themself. They are completely unselfish and happy for you when good things come to you. They are not jealous, ever. Period. If I had to admit one weakness of mine, it might be jealousy, as much as I hate to admit that.

So there I was at work, where I start to feel just a little bit crazy and un-myself after eight hours anyway, and i get a text from M, who is one of the few people I trust everything with, who loves me no matter what, and who I completely don't deserve sometimes. And she tells me that she just got a scholarship that covers all of her tuition, books, living, and fees. All of it. And we're going to the same college. And rooming together.

It was a feeling kind of like being punched in the sternum, breathless. Almost disbelief. Then in that moment where I realize that's she's serious, that this is all completely true, there it is. The jealousy. The indescribable, maddening jealousy. And at exactly the same time I feel horrible, terrible because my first thought was not to be happy for her, it was to wish it were me. And i know exactly how I should have reacted, but I didn't. What does that say?

I composed myself, and thought about all of this, about what kind of person I wanted to be. And as badly as I need a scholarship like that, and for as long as I've been hoping for it, I know all I can do is be happy for her. There is still the possibility that I might get something like that, but in that moment i decided that whether I do, or whether I don't, it must make no difference whatsoever. She is one of my best friends in the entire world, and I love her more than anything. I have to act like it.

I'm still waiting for my own verdict, but as of now, I feel a kind of peace about the whole thing. A scholarship would mean more than you can possibly imagine, but even if I get nothing at all, I've learned a lesson more valuable than any monetary amount. I learned about selflessness, about what I'm made of, and just what friendship truly is, in both the hard times and the easy.

Love, Jennifer

ps-- M, if or when you read this, I do love you with every bit of my heart, completely, truly, absolutely. Tu es ma une et seule. Thanks for all of it.

Poetry Wednesday

To everyone who's ever been left by anyone.


My Hope Is But A Lightswitch

I do not mind the cold
I do not mind the cold
I'm glad it makes us closer,
If perfect truth be told.

A massive melted snow-lake
Rejects the bottle-boat.
My laughter is a lightswitch
And yours a lonely moat.

If I had held your interest,
I would have told you then,
"I'm happy to be with you."
We just watched lightrays bend.

As you handed off the jacket,
And slipped into her car
I was then retracting
Into a fissured calm.

My hope is but a lightswitch
Expectations just a sleeve.
In the moment you were leaving
I knew you'd always leave.


Copyright
Jennifer North

Vague Fruit Flavors

What is this, you ask? Well, my friend, these are the lovely Tic Tac Bold. And the flavor? Fruit. That's right, the subject of this blog is vague fruit flavors and how utterly crazy they seem to me. Although it does seem to make some sense. When I eat these tic tacs, I think, what do these taste like? And the only answer is "fruit." My only problem is, why not give things real flavors? Real flavor tastes, and real names. If you simply look around, vague fruit flavors are all around us.

Nothing beats "fruit" in vagueness, but some more of my favorites are "berry" and the slightly less vague, but vague nonetheless, "wild berry." Oh, wild berries? Which ones?

Maybe I just have a need for solid names in my life for the things I eat. I don't know. Whatever my issues are, I still get a really good amount of amusement out of vague fruit flavors.

Love, Jennifer

Do I sound really bitter about this? I'm not. Just out of blog ideas. ha.