A lesson in friendship.

Currently listening to: Yesterday's Feelings by The Used
Currently feeling: much better than I have, and kind of accomplished.
Currently craving: summer, or just a bunch of sunny days.


Hello everyone,


I was thinking yesterday about what it means to be a true friend. And whether or not I fall into that category; whether I'm a good friend. The very best ones, the ones that you can always count on, care about you more than they care about themself. They are completely unselfish and happy for you when good things come to you. They are not jealous, ever. Period. If I had to admit one weakness of mine, it might be jealousy, as much as I hate to admit that.

So there I was at work, where I start to feel just a little bit crazy and un-myself after eight hours anyway, and i get a text from M, who is one of the few people I trust everything with, who loves me no matter what, and who I completely don't deserve sometimes. And she tells me that she just got a scholarship that covers all of her tuition, books, living, and fees. All of it. And we're going to the same college. And rooming together.

It was a feeling kind of like being punched in the sternum, breathless. Almost disbelief. Then in that moment where I realize that's she's serious, that this is all completely true, there it is. The jealousy. The indescribable, maddening jealousy. And at exactly the same time I feel horrible, terrible because my first thought was not to be happy for her, it was to wish it were me. And i know exactly how I should have reacted, but I didn't. What does that say?

I composed myself, and thought about all of this, about what kind of person I wanted to be. And as badly as I need a scholarship like that, and for as long as I've been hoping for it, I know all I can do is be happy for her. There is still the possibility that I might get something like that, but in that moment i decided that whether I do, or whether I don't, it must make no difference whatsoever. She is one of my best friends in the entire world, and I love her more than anything. I have to act like it.

I'm still waiting for my own verdict, but as of now, I feel a kind of peace about the whole thing. A scholarship would mean more than you can possibly imagine, but even if I get nothing at all, I've learned a lesson more valuable than any monetary amount. I learned about selflessness, about what I'm made of, and just what friendship truly is, in both the hard times and the easy.

Love, Jennifer

ps-- M, if or when you read this, I do love you with every bit of my heart, completely, truly, absolutely. Tu es ma une et seule. Thanks for all of it.