A lot to think about.

This is a blog about getting through the hard things in life and one about how sometimes, certain life events occur due to something much greater than coincidence. I'm notorious for being vague and unspecific when I write about things, especially things about my life, but I'm going to put all that aside and try to be honest and specific this time.

Donald broke up with me today and it feels like my very life has been torn apart.

I tell you this because, as far as I know, the only people who read this are the people who have always been there for me and been through it all with me and I trust you. That being said, if you know anything about me and my need for safety and comfort in life, you will know that right now I'm a big fucking mess. Change, this kind of change, is the most terrifying thing I could think of to face. Being with someone for a year and a half shaped my life in a way that it became my life. Not that I had nothing besides him, but our relationship was so integrated into my daily life, I have a hard time knowing who I am without it, without him.

We aren't together because, apparently, we need time apart to "work on things." If you asked, I'm not exactly sure what these things are, but they may or may not include me getting really angry over stuff sometimes and other such things. I have many faults, as does he, but I'm not going to list those because that would be kind of rude and petty at this point. And you know, he's probably right. Being alone will probably give me the focus and perspective to figure out things that have been occupying my mind for quite awhile now. But just because it's right doesn't mean it's easy; in fact, every fiber of my being wants for this to not be my reality right now...

The other thing I wanted to point out is Significance. With a capital S, because a very strange and foreign part of myself keeps whispering that this has occurred at a pivotal point in my life, and maybe this may be the first step towards Something. This, almost exclusively, is the thought that is keeping me alive right now. I hope that it is true, I hope I can continue to trust my intuition and take advantage of my situation. If I'm wrong about this, well, I wouldn't be all that surprised. If I'm right, God or the Universe or some other such thing obviously has a secret plan I have yet to figure out.

It's kind of strange, isn't it, to think that there are forces at work aligning things for you that you can't even imagine yourself? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, the best things in your life kind of just showed up sometimes, without any warning and sometimes only after you've been through a lot of pain to get there.

So, here I am. I'm trying to be optimistic. I know, without a doubt, that I am about to face some very hard and dark days and I don't know how I will cope. I'm trying very hard to find something that makes my life significant right now. It's terrifying, really. But there are many people in my life much wiser than I, and they seem to think I am some sort of strong person. If only they knew, right? Ha.

I guess I'm at much the same position I was my very first weeks of college, when "stepping forward into the dark" was pretty much my theme. I'm going to hate myself for being so optimistic, I can tell, but right now it's helping, and simply talking about this is helping. Wish me luck, I guess. Here I go.

Love, Jennifer

P.S. I have the best roommate in the history of all roommates. She literally risked her life (in my opinion) and drove through a snowstorm because I needed her. I'm speechless, really. Also, Morgan. Just....Morgan. I have all I need for now.

wishes.

Today I want:

To learn everything about everything.

To have the day off.

To visit old and new friends.

To catch up on reading assignments.

To play guitar all day, and that is all.

Summer weather.

Love, Jennifer

common market, tobacco road

So this isn't usually my thing, but it's one of those songs with a really nice, specific memory attached to it. Also, I really enjoy it.

Love, Jennifer

why i like photography, or, a memory from last spring.

I was thinking today about my very last day on campus last spring. It was my last time walking around before I moved out, and there were new graduates walking around occasionally in caps and gowns. Other than that, nothing. Just the most quiet spring day I can remember; perfect weather. I had nowhere to be so I just wandered around, with my camera of course, because I document everything.

It was the strangest feeling....I was inexplicably sad that it was ending; I felt as if I had to perfectly frame every picture I took of random stuff in order to immortalize it into my memory. I felt as if I'd never be there again. Which is, of course, untrue, but also an interesting thought...

I really never will be there again. The way I felt, the things I saw and knew, or thought I knew, will never be the same even if I try.

Maybe this is what I like about photography; maybe I need it because some part of me feels it all slipping away and wants a reminder of where I have been for when life becomes less simple. I don't know.

Love, Jennifer

365

So my current project/new year's resolution kind of thing is a self-portrait for every day of the year. Could be interesting, could be terribly boring. Either way, I'm a little bit excited to find out. So that whole thing's on facebook. In case you wanted to know.

:)

Love, Jennifer

anyone lived in a pretty how town by E. E. Cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain