A lot to think about.

This is a blog about getting through the hard things in life and one about how sometimes, certain life events occur due to something much greater than coincidence. I'm notorious for being vague and unspecific when I write about things, especially things about my life, but I'm going to put all that aside and try to be honest and specific this time.

Donald broke up with me today and it feels like my very life has been torn apart.

I tell you this because, as far as I know, the only people who read this are the people who have always been there for me and been through it all with me and I trust you. That being said, if you know anything about me and my need for safety and comfort in life, you will know that right now I'm a big fucking mess. Change, this kind of change, is the most terrifying thing I could think of to face. Being with someone for a year and a half shaped my life in a way that it became my life. Not that I had nothing besides him, but our relationship was so integrated into my daily life, I have a hard time knowing who I am without it, without him.

We aren't together because, apparently, we need time apart to "work on things." If you asked, I'm not exactly sure what these things are, but they may or may not include me getting really angry over stuff sometimes and other such things. I have many faults, as does he, but I'm not going to list those because that would be kind of rude and petty at this point. And you know, he's probably right. Being alone will probably give me the focus and perspective to figure out things that have been occupying my mind for quite awhile now. But just because it's right doesn't mean it's easy; in fact, every fiber of my being wants for this to not be my reality right now...

The other thing I wanted to point out is Significance. With a capital S, because a very strange and foreign part of myself keeps whispering that this has occurred at a pivotal point in my life, and maybe this may be the first step towards Something. This, almost exclusively, is the thought that is keeping me alive right now. I hope that it is true, I hope I can continue to trust my intuition and take advantage of my situation. If I'm wrong about this, well, I wouldn't be all that surprised. If I'm right, God or the Universe or some other such thing obviously has a secret plan I have yet to figure out.

It's kind of strange, isn't it, to think that there are forces at work aligning things for you that you can't even imagine yourself? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, the best things in your life kind of just showed up sometimes, without any warning and sometimes only after you've been through a lot of pain to get there.

So, here I am. I'm trying to be optimistic. I know, without a doubt, that I am about to face some very hard and dark days and I don't know how I will cope. I'm trying very hard to find something that makes my life significant right now. It's terrifying, really. But there are many people in my life much wiser than I, and they seem to think I am some sort of strong person. If only they knew, right? Ha.

I guess I'm at much the same position I was my very first weeks of college, when "stepping forward into the dark" was pretty much my theme. I'm going to hate myself for being so optimistic, I can tell, but right now it's helping, and simply talking about this is helping. Wish me luck, I guess. Here I go.

Love, Jennifer

P.S. I have the best roommate in the history of all roommates. She literally risked her life (in my opinion) and drove through a snowstorm because I needed her. I'm speechless, really. Also, Morgan. Just....Morgan. I have all I need for now.