Who cares if no one else believes?

Remember when it happened, and there was no one else left? Went to the ES and sat there forever, thinking, fuming, and more thinking.

Remember when I found out, and silently but efficiently freaked out?

Remember when I needed time, so had a day at "the beach?"

Remember when I was told what I already knew and left feeling worse than I'd ever felt? Ever?

Remember how hard it was for me to do what I knew I would have to do for peace of mind? The feeling after I finally did it...

Remember when I felt nothing at all?

Remember when it was like the harder I tried, the worse things got? Ugh.

Remember when I gave in, and looked, then spent the rest of...a long time worrying about what I'd found? And there was nothing I could do.

Remember when the littlest things meant the most? When the numbers worked out well for me, and I left feeling incredibly super happy?

Remember when I finally heard the words that made it worth while? It was sincerity, and I needed that more than anything.

Remember when I lost that one last thing? I had been so proud of the fact, and then when I realized...just now...that I lost it. That sucked.

Remember when I almost gave up and just went home? I've never felt worse. That was regret. Capital R. It never really got better.

Remember when it was a room full of people but I'd never felt more disattached? She asked if I was sick, what could I say to that?

Remember when no one got it? And I just had to play along, like a game, because that's what I was supposed to do. We never figured out how to get through it together, did we?

Remember the lie? But it was funny.

Remember when it drove me nuts that I didn't know what she was talking about? So I acted like a jerk. That was kind of stupid.

Remember how much that song actually meant to me? It meant something new every time. I still can't hear it without remembering.

Remember when I realized just how wrong I was? But it was a good realization. And how the mystery of it all still continues...

Love, Jennifer

Don't worry if none of this makes any sense to anyone. It was purely for my own benefit.