an epic tale

Running is not all it's cracked up to be. Today I got home from work, and, realizing that nothing socially exciting would be happening, decided to go for a little run. After all, I haven't been to the gym in about two weeks. Yes, I am serious. Anyway, I kind of felt like some contemplation time at the duck pond, and hey, it's not that far away, right? haha. right. I'm pretty sure it ended up being like six miles. Somehow, I accidentally took what will now be referred to as the Scenic Route Tour de Midway.





After a few blocks, I felt insanely tired, but proud of myself, so on I went. I must point out right now that for some reason I saw a lot of really bizarre stuff. anyway, I get to the base of the gargantuan hill which I was determined to conquer. about halfway up it are two police cars, pulling over some other car. for a moment i thought it was lurpey's car, and in my mind, i played out a bizarre situation involving him driving drunk. why? i have no idea. does that matter? no. anyway, it wasn't him, just some poor guy sitting handcuffed in the gravel while the police searched his car. he looked a lot like a chinese warlord. chinese warlords probably tend to have the same really annoyed look on their faces all the time like this guy had.





So, the hill. I seriously had to force myself to keep going up and up and up it. I was breathing insanely hard, and feeling like sitting down and dying, but no, I went on. and then for the next mile, I kid you not, I refused to run. I walked it. "But wait," you are saying, "I thought this was going to be a short trip??" Well, so did I. turns out I grossly underestimated the distance. I walked along the road for the next mile, trying to decide what to do. For some reason I just kept going. At one point, I passed a pack of six-year-olds on bikes, going the opposite direction. I kept on "running" (walking), but eventually I heard small boy voices behind me and looked to see them following, at a good distance. Hmm, odd. Oh well. I guess I was just in their turf.





After walking this mile, I realized I didn't even want to see the duck pond anymore, I just wanted to get home. I knew there was this smaller road that intersected the one I was on that led back down to where I wanted to go, so I decided to take that. A very, very long time later, I finally found that road. Again, a gross underestimate of distance on my part. While traipsing through the countryside, I saw about four deer, all of which glared at me for no apparent reason at all. I glared back, because running puts me in a bad mood. Along the side of the road I saw a bit, domeshaped rock sort of formation, yay, a hotpot! So I walked over to take a look down inside, and to my dismay, it was filled with trash. People suck, lol. There was this blanket dumped down inside, and my morbid mind immediately told me there was a body underneath, so I got all creeped out. Then I imagined myself falling inside. And it wasn't even that deep, but the way a hotpot is shaped, it's impossible to climb out because of the domey curving walls. I saw myself down there, waiting for days, and somehow the deer were outside, free and smirking because I had glared at them. So i moved on before I had a chance to fall in.





I get to a choice, a fork in the road, if you will. One way went on straight, and I was fairly sure it would lead me home, but there was also the possibility that it was the demon road I once drove on. and i am telling you, that road went on forever. and I was even in my car, yet it still felt looonnnng when I stumbled upon it. So my only other choice was "pine canyon road" which sounded vaguely familiar, and I was hoping it would intersect back somewhere good for me. So i set off down pine canyon road, still walking. what they don't tell you about pine canyon road (because no one ever mentions pine canyon road) is that there are ditches all along it, and fields, which makes for a nice mosquito habitat. so that was nice. also, it's a big spot for development, so as I walked along, increasingly annoyed at feeling lost and tired of walking, I scoped out the houses, mentally deciding which ones I would buy if I had cash in "the low 600,000s" to spend. And also, it struck me how ridiculous the names of the subdivisions are becoming. My favorite was Double Eagle drive. I have the feeling that one just strikes every american right in the heart.





Pine canyon road is a nice, suburban area, where everyone likes to go out and parade their dogs around. This guy had two of them, one of which had a ponytail. and I am completely serious. A little further down ( this road, I found out, goes on forever), two girls were walking what looked like, in terms of size and hairiness, a small gerbil. They eyed me suspiciously, like I were going to steal their animal thing or something. I wasn't, by the way. It was on Pine canyon Road that I noticed the large blister forming on my left heel. About at the peak of my frustration, the demon voice came out, and I was telling myself, out loud, that I was tired of walking, when I looked over to see some guy laying on his lawn. So I ran for the first time in sixteen miles to avoid more embarrassment.





Finally, finally, Pine Canyon Road ended, and I was back on the road before the base of the monster hill. And of course, the police and the chinese warlord were still there. Backup, of course, had been called, so there were now upwards of three vehicles with flashing lights up ahead. Good luck, pal.





The rest of my return was uneventful. I knew where I was, so my annoyance at the world lessened, adn I just became really hungry. As i jogged the last few blocks to my house, I realized the irony of the situation. I HATE running seriously. And usually I focus on every step and every painful breath until I'm about to go crazy. But in the course of getting lost and annoyed and my spurts of random running, I completely forgot how I hate running. I was in such a hurry to find my way home that I didn't even realize I was running anymore. At some point in there, i broke through the wall, and didn't even take the time to realize it. Now isn't that epic?


And on a lighter note, here is my obituary. i think it's probably pretty accurate.

Love, Jennifer