p. 106

"Just as there was

a first instant when someone rubbed two sticks together to make a spark, there was a first time joy was felt, and a first time for sadness. For a while, new feelings were being invented all the time. Desire was born early, as we regret. When stubbornness was felt for the first time, it started a chain reaction, creating the feeling of resentment on the one hand, and alienation and loneliness on the other. It might have been a certain counterclockwise movement of the hips that marked the birth of ecstasy; a bolt of lightning that caused the first feeling of awe. Or maybe it was the body of a girl named Alma. Contrary to logic, the feeling of surprise wasn't born immediately. It only came after people had enough time to get used to things as they were. And when enough time had passed, and someone felt the first feeling of surprise, someone, somewhere else, felt the first pang of nostalgia.

It's also true that sometimes people felt things and, because there was no word for them, they went unmentioned. The oldest emotion in the world may be that of being moved; but to describe it--just to name it--must have been like trying to catch something invisible.

(Then again, the oldest feeling in the world might simply have been confusion.)

Having begun to feel, people's desire to feel grew. They wanted to feel more, feel deeper, despite how much it sometimes hurt. People became addicted to feeling. They struggled to uncover new emotions. It's possible that this is how art was born. New kinds of joy were forged, along with new kinds of sadness: The eternal disappointment of life as it is; the relief of unexpected reprieve; the fear of dying.

Even now, all possible feelings do not exist. There are still those that lie beyond our capacity and our imagination. From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written, or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact."

An excerpt from The History of Love, by Nicole Krauss. Things like this remind me how much I love the inexpressible beauty of words.

Things these days

Lately I've been kind of distracted by the awful things in life...don't you hate that? I know I do. Especially because I'm usually such a positive person! Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by all the material I'm expected to learn this semester, and by all the steps I still have left in getting ready to apply for grad school. If I'm not at school, I'm probably studying, or if I'm not doing that, I'm probably at work. The worst part is the fact that it is neverending... even after one assignment or chapter is finished, there's another one to replace it the next day.

I've been trying to stop and breathe and realize that I'm in a good place...in fact, I'm in a really fortunate and blessed place. It is extremely rare, on a global perspective, for one person to have so many opportunities in front of them, so I'm trying to hold onto that fact when it all seems too much to handle.

It would be very easy to get lost in the tedium, in the difficulty, in the extreme unfairness that is loss in this life, but there's no happiness in that. These lessons are hard-learned, but I feel like I'm growing into a wiser human being by taking part in them. There is a certain peace in knowing that you're working your hardest. That glorious feeling you get after physically exhausting yourself in a crazy hard work out? I'm hoping the same reward comes after mental exhaustion :)

There are so many nice things going on right now, though. The first that comes to mind is volunteering. I volunteer about once a week at Camp Kostopulos, which provides activities and social experiences for adults with disabilities. I can get so wrapped up in myself and my troubles, but once I'm there, it all disappears. I'm amazed, over and over, at how kind and genuine these people are...both participants and staff. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when there is so much goodness around you.

Secondly, I've realized how in love I am with cooking and baking. I've recently had a reunion with my domestic side and it makes me feel so much more relaxed! There's something inherently satisfying about creating a meal from distinguishable ingredients that's free of preservatives and artificial color and so many other things we're not even aware of. I think my interest in nutrition stems from a pure and passionate love of food--I love to cook it, and I love to eat it!

There are so many more things to be in love with as well: the chorus of crickets outside my door every single night; watching my little tomato plants grow and sprout blossoms and eventually tomatoes that swell and slowly blush with color until they're bursting and sweet; my parents, who are unfalteringly loyal and loving and far too kind; netflix, which keeps me excited and watching the mailbox!; the feeling that I am progressing, no matter how slowly it feels; upcoming trips!; and of course, really awesome friends. I wish I could carry them all around with me constantly, but I have to settle for seeing them as much as I can. Out of everything, they are the ones helping me keep my sanity.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Jennifer

Oh, Hello.

I feel pretty lame for not having blogged for months. It was certainly an interesting summer... to be honest, not one of the best, but one that showed me that I need to take control of my life and make it into what I want it to be.

Anyway. More to come, I promise, but for now, here's a few things I'm currently loving.

So excited for Boston (again).

I want.

Looks great...

Toni + Aaron

These photos are of my beautiful childhood friend, Toni, and her fiancee Aaron. A few weeks ago, we drove out to the Salt Flats, I pointed a camera, and they did the rest. I'm not a professional photographer, by any means, but luckily they are both beautiful enough that any flaws on my part are lost. They're so adorable it hurts me.

It is crazy for me to think she (we!) is old enough to be getting married, but I could see, even in a short amount of time, how much she has matured and turned into an incredible human being.

I wish them all the best :)

Love, Jennifer

before/after

It is amazing and frightening to me how quickly everything can change. I often think about my life and how different it's become in the past 6 weeks...terrifying really. It's hard to see how wonderful things are when you're in the midst of an easy life. I wish I could go back and warn myself, urge myself to stop waiting for the right moment for things, because really, there is only the present.

I cannot help but think of things in terms of before and after now. Before, silly worries. After, having a hard time caring about the "important" things of life at all. Before, plans. After, empty days. I see dates on things, and think only in terms of proximity to April 5th. 5 days before, how could I be thinking about such silly things? Two days before, how could I have known? It is frustrating to me to view myself in this way, but that's just it....how could anyone have known? I think of food, I bought this before it happened. He's gone but it's not. Or shampoo. I think of all the things I would give up...sometimes it's a game I play. I would give up: every possession. Every piece of clothing. I would give up my new Jeep. Oh? I would give up my entire education to change things...I would start all over. No...I would be in school for the rest of my life. I would amputate a limb. I would live in exile. I would die. It's awful; none of it matters. Every time, I get to the same answer...I would give anything at all, period. It's very revealing of myself, I suppose, but meaningless. That is what death is, despite the depth of your feelings or pain, there is no changing of it. Death is a quiet, locked room. A darkened sky. Turning around and discovering you are alone.

It's hard for me to live with myself most of the time. I am certainly changing. Who knows who I will end up being. We are all changing, taking what was once public and obvious and burying it deep within ourselves. Everyone has their own way, but all of us are making up our minds about things and keeping secrets. I believe that is the only way to move past tragedy. There is much to be said for public healing and letting others help you. But in the end, you must take the heart of it, that little seed of emotion that is inexplicable to others and find somewhere to put it. As much as we all want to feel normal again, no one wants to forget, so we lock it up where only we can find it when we need to.

I like to imagine that he is on a long trip, traveling every country on every continent. He is really only on a trip around the world, marveling at the extraordinary and having too much fun to ever come home. I imagine that he has found what he was missing during life. There is no work for him anymore, only adventure and discovery.

It is a still, quiet life I lead.

Festival of Colors

On Saturday I went to the Festival of Colors at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork. It was pretty awesome. The festival is a celebration of, generally, the triumph of good over evil and a welcoming of spring. Everyone had bags of colored powder that you throw on each other. There was dancing and awesome food, and generally a really good feeling among everyone there. I took this video from the balcony of the temple during the second color throwing. I love the way the colors look!

When you're in the middle of everything, the air is so full of colored powder, you can't see anything in front of you! You emerge covered head to toe in every color...it took me about 5 washes to get it out of my hair. Haha. I'll definitely be doing this again next year :)

Jennifer

Advice.

My grandfather

gave me two pieces of advice.

The first, always make sure you're with someone who likes you more than you like them.

And the second, have fun, travel, and be young while you can.

It kind of bothered me when he told me the first one. It struck me as a very sad thing to say. In the least, I hoped I would never be the person to hold myself back or be happy being in control in a relationship. I could see the draw of it: if you're never vulnerable, you will never have to leave yourself open to get hurt, damaged. Of course, I was very young when he told me this, filled with romantic ideas about love and how relationships worked. I probably had little to no experience in the rocky field. All I knew was that when love happened, it would be perfect, and easy. Rare, I imagined, but effortless.

I am no expert in love. But I do know what bitter and exacting disappointment feels like, I know the pain that comes when things go wrong, and I know just how fragile my little heart can be. After awhile, I began to believe in my grandfather's advice against my own reason. It was kind of weird to realize I'd become the person I never wanted to be, but that was life, right? It's a hard habit to break out of, encasing yourself with security. But I think it's almost certainly worth it.

When I actually think about my grandfather, I imagine him as a photograph I once took, wrinkled hand resting on the arm of an equally old and beaten chair on the porch. I think of rough skin that grabbed my wrists and wrestled me playfully into submission, of hands that have done so many things I'll never even know or understand. I'm afraid that's how it always is; we only ever get to see singular parts of those closest to us no matter how hard we look; it's so easy and common to miss the whole. I don't think he ever followed his own advice, although perhaps he wished he could have. It seems the simpler thing to never be vulnerable, but although he was a tough, weathered man on the outside, he was more dedicated to taking care of my grandmother than anyone else could have, not in softness but in hardness. He was famous for saying clever things like the first bit of advice that made people chuckle, but deep down he was a much gentler person; it just took the right way of looking to see that.

I think, in retrospect, I can only choose one of these to follow. Fundamentally, they are opposite ideas. One, protect yourself and take the careful route. Or two, dive in headfirst and follow your passion. Really, I'll end up remembering the second piece of advice, which I take to mean, go out and make the most of it. Common sense and responsibility threaten to take over my life every day, but I'm trying to take his wisdom and just do what I'd like to do. Coming from someone who's seen so much more than I have, I've accepted that he had a unique view of what is truly important in this crazy life.

I miss him very much. I wonder how many things he told me that just passed right by. I think about him often, and the type of person I want to be. Going in headfirst.

Jennifer

watch crush.

I pretty much want one of each. These would be adorable to wear, and I wouldn't worry too much about getting food on them at work!

by o'clock.

a little thought..

I just think this is charming in a deep/funny/very sad way. The more I think about it, the more I like it :)

via cup of jo, via 20x200

Love, Jennifer

elephantine.

I'm kind of in love with this jewelry shop on etsy, Elephantine. Her pieces are all very delicate and beautiful in a simple sort of way. Love.

the slip.

I am a creative dreamer. I always have these grand ideas for projects, get halfway there, and rarely follow through. It's awful. A few months ago, after both ofmy grandparents had passed away, my family was cleaning out the house and splitting up all of their old things. I happened to visit near the end when there were just odds and ends left that no one else wanted. I found this really beautiful slip.

I tried it on and it became very obvious that it was from an era where women were TINY. It BARELY fits. But still, it was really beautiful, and romantic, and seemed like it had some amazing history to it, so I took it home with me. And now it just lives in my closet.

Maybe it's just dreaming, but I've really wanted to make it into something wearable. I envision it as a really beautiful camisole to wear under cardigans and sweaters, but I'm having a difficult time. As of now, it's too long for me, as I'm only 5'4''. Cutting it....I don't want to ruin it! But I do want it to be something. Any ideas?

Love, Jennifer

3 things I love.

First off, I would like to say that the following pictures do not do justice to the shocking shade of pink on my lips. Nonetheless, it--NARS lipstick in Schiap--is the first of three new things in my life that I really love. Second, my Bern helmet to protect this beautiful brain that I spend all of my time forcing chemistry and physiology information into.

Have I mentioned I have the most beautiful bike ever?? Tommaso Imola!

Love, love, love,

Jennifer

Before.

February means getting down to work in my classes, hopefully an end to these criminally low temperatures, and the next stage of my year of progress: decluttering. Unfortunately, all the clutter I own is concentrated in my bedroom, and it's really becoming a problem. Every drawer I own is filled to bursting. So time for a new start. I have four main problem areas: my desk, my dresser filled with everything but clothes, my closet which needs a serious purge, and the corner by the door filled with random things. Here are the befores.

The desk.

The closet.

The dresser.

The corner.

Wish me luck!

Jennifer

Under construction! I'm playing around with a new design and title, so excuse me while I figure things out :)

I am a sucker...

...for New Years' resolutions. Seriously! Something about a brand new start to make your life better is just so appealing to me. I know the date should make no difference, and I know that most n.y.r.'s fail for people, but I still continue doing it. Last year's 365 project is still dragging on a bit, but for the most part, it actually all came to fruition.

So. This year. There are a lot of things I want to improve in my life, and with a little inspiration from this post on BlackEiffel, I've decided to focus on a different element of my life each month to work on.

January: Because it seems like a good--and important!--place to start, I'm making a very conscious effort this month to improve the way I eat. Luckily, because the semester's started up again, my work schedule has changed to give me more free nights and time at home where I can begin to actually cook for myself. And I got a few cool appliances for Christmas that should help out as well.

In recent history I've been thinking a lot about the way our society has evolved to think about food. The way we treat it, the importance (or...unimportance) we place on healthy foods, our relationship with it...I've been thinking about it all. It's kind of exhausting to try to unravel the puzzle we've made out of something that should be so simple and basic. But at the same time, I feel there is not a more important topic for people to address. It's what I'm studying in school right now, and what I'll be going to grad school for in the next few years. As for myself, I've already become a pescetarian, and really healthy, conscious cooking at home is the next step.

A few caveats...

Donald and I tend to eat out A LOT. Which can be not only unhealthy, but expensive as well. So, only one, if any, night out a week.

Trying to cut back on cheese. This is so hard, because I love cheese, and it's in EVERYTHING.

I've found so many resources so far that are helpful.

First, Eating Well. Lots of interesting things if you take the time to look around. Namely this, which I made last night and LOVED.

Second, Whole Foods. I've found a lot of foods to be inspired by here, and to be honest, higher quality is definitely worth the price.

Friends/blogs/etc. Morgie always has interesting ideas to share with me, and definitely shares my passion for health.

Other areas I intend to work on include getting rid of the clutter in my life, as it's building up again, spending more quality time with the important people in my life, working on being a better member of my relationship, developing an effective and realistically manageable workout routine, and having a better plan for managing my money. It sounds like a lot, but...one month at a time.

Love, Jennifer

This is so good. if you love avocados (and oh, do i love avocados) and chocolate, you need to try this.

Chocolate Avocado Shake

• 1 1/2 large avocados
• 1/3 cup sweetened condensed milk (or 1/4 cup honey)
• 2 cups vanilla soymilk
• 1 tablespoon cocoa powder
• 1 cup crushed ice

Mix everything together and blend into blissful deliciousness.

The original recipe only calls for one avocado, but I think a little bit extra is nice.

I used sweetened condensed milk, but honey would probably be better for you.

Also, a little cocoa powder goes a long way, so go easy.

Makes 2 servings.

Contains:

• 575 calories per serving
• 33.5 grams of fat, 70% of which are monounsaturated fats from the avocado, etc.
• 14.5 grams protein

Original recipe here

Mm,

Jennifer

Does anyone remember...

...when I adamantly refused to ever wear or accept the wearing of leggings? Can you even imagine? I mean, what was I thinking? It's silly. I think I actually remember telling my mom to punch me in the face if I ever gave into the trend. And now, my friends, I wear leggings all the time.

It's kind of the same thing with rompers. Don't hate me. It's a hard thing to embrace. If you're male and reading this, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about. To be clear, I do not own a romper, and maybe I never will. But I hated them with a passion when they first started popping their odd little selves up all over, and now...not so much.

What I'm trying to say is, people change their opinions about things. Usually, it's only a matter of time, and usually, it's a result of exposure to the thing and lessening the shock of it--whether there was ever any real reason to be shocked or not. I'm not just talking about fashion here. I never believed I would drink alcohol. I never believed I would pierce any part of my face. And I never anticipated having openly gay friends. None of these things, in my opinion, are morally wrong. But in our country today, and in our state, I would have no trouble at all finding people who disagree. In a crowd, I could probably reach my hand in any direction and find someone.

I once had a discussion with a good friend of mine about this. She simply could not understand why people would be so horrified by gays. I tried to explain to her the small-town mentality I knew to influence a lot of people I knew. Some people are influenced by religion, others by their moral value system. Despite this, all she feels is their judgment, and their hate. Even as I was trying to explain it, it sounded absurd to me. And like a stupid excuse. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. The worst thing was, I remember when I was shocked to hear about someone being gay. Then I moved one hour out of my world and was exposed to a little taste of the real world.

Over a small amount of time, I actually let myself know and become friends with people who happen to identify as gay. And can I just tell you, they're really awesome people. Just like me (ha). But seriously, people just like you or I. I think one of the main problems here is that everyone who is so horrified by other sexualities can't even imagine a world where that exists. They can't walk in another's shoes or imagine what it might be like to be that person, different, singled out, and denied.

No one knows how to approach it. I guess I don't either. But it really frustrates me to see people, even friends, denied basic rights as citizens because our state and country decide to impose their moral system upon a group. Arguments can be made about the "true nature" of marriage, and how we "should" be biologically, but the truth is, those are only excuses. Our lawmakers and judgers are just a bunch of leggings and romper haters. Maybe they'll never change, but maybe that's because they'll never give themselves the option. I don't know.

And by the way, my God hates no one.

Love, Jennifer

right now i love...

tough love by jennifernorth featuring Enzo Angiolini shoes

dELiAs > Laura Lace Dress > dresses > casual
$45 - delias.com
More dresses »

Say What? Motorcycle Jacket
$58 - kohls.com
More jackets »

Enzo Angiolini 'Saylem' Riding Boot
$199 - nordstrom.com
More Enzo Angiolini boots »

Latico Basics Adventurer Messenger Bag
$149 - endless.com
More Latico messenger bags »

Elvish Love Silver Ring £22.39; Celtic Rings from Zoo Jewellery
28 GBP - zoojewellery.com
More rings »

Smashbox Jet Set Waterproof Eye Liner Teal
$22 - sephora.com

Smashbox Eye Shadow Quad ($30 Value) Bright Eyed
$6 - sephora.com

Lollia Eau De Parfum
$46 - anthropologie.com

Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm
$3 - sears.com

OPI Nail Lacquer in Bubble Bath
allure.com