best read with a triscuit in your mouth...

10/19/09

I am not one for theatrics, but I feel I must confess:  I have achieved amazing things today!

....wait, maybe not.  but I did finally pound out the Research Methods paper I have due in the morning.  This thing has been HAUNTING me for about a week now.  It was just one of those things (insert my laziness here) where I could not get started.  Or keep going.  But that's how it usually goes with these things, right?  The things I have to do are the hardest but the things that will take me nowhere are so easy...and threaten so often to take over my life!  And the craziest part is that when I make up my mind to accomplish something, I can seriously get stuff done.  It's all a matter of willpower, I suppose.

Speaking of getting things done... I seriously need a job.  And this current failure is definitely not for lack of trying.  I cannot even tell you how many job applications I've filled out.  Or how many times my fragile little heart has been broken in the process.  I have one promising prospect at the moment, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and meanwhile plotting my next move.  Tell me what you think.  I turned in my app exactly one week ago, at which time I was told ...

1)They are definitely hiring.

2)My availability is legit!  (jk, that was for you, Morgie)  But seriously, my schedule is really awesome for an evening/weekend job.

So now, my (very minor) dilemma.  When is too early to call back and check on things?  Because I feel like if I just sit back and wait for something to fall into my lap, nothing will ever happen.  A little initiative never hurts, but I don't want to become overbearing.  So far I have two votes for going back in to chat sometime this week and if I hear no other suggestions, I will be doing just that.  Which seems pretty reasonable to me.  Where is the job?  I don't even want to tell you; I don't want to jinx this.  But let's all hope, right?  Go me.

Here's my latest thing: coming to terms/struggling with/accepting my seeming insignificance.  Hm.  This sounds way sadder than it actually is.  In fact, it's not really sad at all considering everyone on earth falls into this category.  Think about it, billions of people in the world, and all of us trying to make something of our lives.  This is especially hard when you finally realize being on your own means being on your own sometimes.  And even though there are people to always count on, sometimes you have to face all of it in solitude, because if you don't you will never know how it could have turned out.  Sometimes, on nights when I'm holed up in my little apartment next to the laundry room, trying hard to make it through a paper while thinking about the vegetables I haven't eaten lately and the skin crises heaped upon me in October and the fact that I am jobless and not engaged (which, by the way, is something I am getting mixed messages for but I don't really want to be married at this point in my life but should I???  Seems like the thing to do these days!) all the while trying to love correctly and unconditionally and also, what about God and doing what is right and what is that whole thing all about!  It's more dramatic than I intended, but these are a few of my current worries.  And then, I stop for just a small moment, and realize...

1) It is raining outside, and the sound is absolutely beautiful

2) Which I did not notice until my glorious roommate pointed it out to me, while visiting as I took a break from the paper, which

3) A really wonderful (and not to mention inspirational!) friend of mine is helping me with through the medium of text messages, facebook, and twenty-minute phone calls.  Also,

4) I don't have a job.  Yet.  But I do have hope.

5) I have someone to love.  Who still thinks I look good even when I have skin crises.

6) Figuring it all out is half of the fun.  (Fun...?  Wait...)

7)  I have Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits, and

8)  I'm still breathing so I must still be alive.

So here's to being insignificant for the moment and finding happiness in such a thing.  And here's to good snack foods and doing amazing things, even though they are hard.

Love, Jennifer