divisions

July 20, 2009

Hello everyone. Sorry about the long absence, but to be honest, I'm often so bored I can't bring myself to do anything. And also I hate using the family computer, but that's another story.

So....a lot of the time my thoughts for blogs are golf course thoughts, which is to say things I ponder over while spending hours mowing grass every day. However, this one is a thought that's been percolating inside my head for months, or possibly even longer, I'm not sure. It's something that's developed slowly, and progressively become more obvious to me in my own relationships and those I observe of others. Sometimes it really discourages and frustrates me. So I'll throw it out there and see what you think.

Last time I blogged about passion, and this is somewhat related, but sort of different in this context.

Love.

It's puzzling to me why we all have such a hard time with it. Life is at its best when we feel love and are able to give love to others, but a lot of our time is spent denying it to those we don't feel like deserve it.

For instance, during my first year of college I encountered the strangest feelings between people who are LDS/people who are not. Taking into account that a lot of the instances that stuck out to me are simply extremes, a large amount of lds kids i knew had this habit of building walls. of not knowing how to coexist with others who have different values than them and quite frankly not wanting to. In return, many who were not lds, and specifically those who weren't from utah had this terrible opinion of mormons because they came across as closed-off, closed-minded, and definitely judgmental. it was frustrating to me. a large part of me tried to change those opinions and wanted to convince everyone that mormons weren't the worst people in the world and weren't out to judge them, but to be honest it's often a failing argument.

After a short amount of time, i realized how puzzling this problem is. on one hand, coming from an lds community and family, i can see their point of view. What comes across as judgmental and closed-minded is simply a person trying their very hardest to protect what they believe and live up to the standards they have chosen. Unfortunately sometimes people can't help avoiding building this box around themselves. It's not that they have feelings of animosity towards others, it's just that they're fiercely trying to be something different and don't know how to reconcile that with the way others are living their lives...sometimes really crazy lives.

On the other hand, it would frustrate me to no end. I hated that there had to be this division between what seemed like two clear groups. I have no answers for this, but I always wondered why people couldn't find a way to coexist. Find some way to be themselves and uphold their values without alienating others and seeming judgmental. I suppose in the end, it's better to be exactly who you want to be even if it offends others, but is there no middle ground?

As for love, I felt none of it, from either side. People automatically judged me and labeled me as a stuffy mormon because that is my religion. I could literally see it in their faces as they would dismiss me upon hearing this bit of information. Donald started trying his best to defend me. He's wonderful, and I love that about him, but I understood his need to quickly explain that I was more open-minded than other mormons. There was literally a small window of time to try to save yourself before your opportunity to get to know anyone was missed. Alternately, the people I was supposed to go to church with quickly realized I was trying to live in both worlds, and like the others dismissed me for that as well. I was too mormon for a lot of so-called "normal" people, and too not-mormon for all the lds kids in my building and around campus. I will give them credit for trying. And I must admit that there were 2 or 3 people who genuinely accepted me for who I was, but so many others obviously disapproved of my stance in life. Of course, it didn't help that I am dating someone who isn't lds. All I will say about this is that I have decided to accept people for what they are rather than what they aren't.

I guess this is the thing....this division I felt, albeit in a small way and seemingly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, exists among so many groups, religious or ethnic or whatever. We find it so hard to accept what is different. To be a bit of a nerd for a moment, this reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (movie) where harry is with luna in the forest. they are petting the thestrals and luna explains that they're really gentle creatures but people tend to stay away from them simply because they are so different.

I hate to see it, but no matter who you are, you have held back loving or accepting or even just giving someone a chance because they have been different than you. I suppose at this point I'm trying to reconcile my two worlds, which is sometimes very stressful to me. I'm trying so hard to love and accept everyone equally. That, I believe, is much more important than building walls around myself to make up for some self-doubt about who I am. I guess I have already decided who I am and what is important to me, and loving someone who isn't the same isn't going to change that.

Love, Jennifer