The Present Tense

My "project," if you will, so far this summer has been a major clean-out of my room. Major. It started with the closet, which was ridiculous and in need of an overhaul, but I got carried away in the magic of a fresh start and went through everything else as well. Anyway, in this course of events, as well as with a close examination of myself, I've come to realize something.

I hold on to the past like no other. I keep bits and pieces of things with the mentality that those useless little sentiments will help me to...what? Keep me connected to the safe, happy times that I've had, perhaps. Maybe this is why photography seems so natural to me. (Pause. I am absolutely not condemning photography as "useless" or anything else like that. It is art. That is all.) It's a preservation thing sometimes. I preserve those ticket stubs and those souvenirs like there's no tomorrow...and I'm not even using that phrase idly right now.

And at the same time, the future preoccupies my thoughts way more than it should. Seriously, I turn the scenarios and "ifs" over and over in my mind until I'm sufficiently worried and confused and don't trust myself anymore. I plan and think and plan, but the truth is, most of life can't be planned or thought out; it just has to happen, and be experienced as it does.

So in the midst of all this, the grasping onto the good times of the past, and ripping apart the future in my mind, I forget about...the present. Oh, right. That. It seems so absurd that I would forget about the very moment I'm living in, but I swear, it happens about 90% of the time. And the crazy thing is, when I take the time to make myself stop and breathe, and simply be, I can't believe I ever waste any time doing anything else!

Jon Foreman said, "Here's what I wish someone had told me before I graduated from high school: Respect the present moment. We're looking for the next thing and the next thing--graduate from high school, then graduate from college, then get a job--we plan the whole thing out. With that type of mentality we miss the present tense; we miss the exciting amazing event that the 'now' is."

So there it is. How much better would life be if we just lived in the "now" and nothing else? I can hardly imagine. But that kind of brings me full circle...the cleaning out of everything useless and outdated from my life, it's become this catharsis for me; a symbolic representation of the fears I'm shedding as I move forward and experience things rather than analyze them all out of context before they happen. I've loved every single event that's brought me to the moment I'm in now, but those times can't be my safety raft anymore. It's kind of terrifying at moments to start over, but like a breath of fresh air at the same time. Here's to being fearless, to stepping forward without really knowing, and to living life as it happens.

Love, Jennifer