picturelife

October 9. 2009

New idea.  I'm terrible at explaining things in words, so I'll let the magic of my camera phone do it for me.  Here's an update of how things look in my life right now, through my favorite medium of photography.

my new favorite thing!  yummy yummy dino buddies!  5 pounds of them; thank you costco :)

This is Don!  it's midnight, and it's his birthday.  it was a good time; he was like a little kid waiting for his present :)  Now that he has it, he is quite content.

This is a dummy.  M and I left it in someone's room.  And, I quote, we are "creepers!  i almost peed my pants!"  best idea ever.

This is where I study.  And watch movies.  And am eaten by the free squirrel couch.

This is my room!  Perpetually unmade bed and the macbook i am addicted to.  and a pile of books i swear i'll get to when i have time.  over there on the wall is my 8 pages of reading assignments for this term.  completion rate:  around 20%.  boo me.
This is where i sit every day, waiting for TRAX to take me home.  that guy looks like he's popping out of the trash can, but really he's not.

Sep. 26...my birthday!  i'm old!  donald took me shopping:  he's a man-purse (as he likes to say.)

i also went to homecoming with him, which was excellent

And that is my life in pictures.

Love, Jennifer

secrets.

9/14/09

For cathartic purposes...

I lied to you; I hear sirens all the time and I know you're probably right.

I lied to pretty much everyone about this.  It never really happened.

Our roles may be inverting.

I was really attracted to him, but now it just seems really wrong which is why I'll never admit this.

I agreed to your condition knowing I'd likely do it anyway.  And then I did.  Sorry.  Kind of.

We're only close in that state, which is really weird.  I don't like it.

I downplay it, but really, he doesn't like you.  He's wrong.

You'd be surprised.

Love, Jennifer

Onslaught

9/9/09

Click for Truth

Love, Jennifer

updates and such.

9/2/09

Here we are, back at school.  I feel pretty strange this year, probably because I don't live directly on campus anymore, but I still love it and it's working out well.

This semester my schedule is intensely psychology-related, which is both nice and kind of disconcerting sometimes.  I find it really interesting, but at the same time, having insight into the human mind so much of the time makes it hard not to see things in yourself that you don't want to.  On the plus side, I don't feel so crazy about being crazy sometimes because I can now identify some of the causes.  Sort of.  It's nice to actually really care about what I'm learning.  This is the stuff I've waited for!  The stuff that will actually end up mattering.

Also...pottery.  It's HARD.  I'm making myself calm down and relax about this, or there's no way I'll ever progress, but it's really challenging.  And being in a class with advanced students combined makes it a little frustrating.  But I'm learning slowly and actually have fun, despite everything I just said.

As of now, I have basically no homework except reading chapters out of books.  I feel super lazy.  But it's a nice segue into what the rest of the semester will most likely turn into.  I'm figuring out how to balance things this way.  And besides, it leaves time for lots of naps, which I  indulge in way too often.

The odd thing?  Seeing heber kids all-freaking-over.  Apparently the class of 2009 all decided to come to the U.  It's not bad, just odd.

Donald and I are great.  1 year anniversary was yesterday.  :)

Off to discussion group and then the pool.

Love, Jennifer

Anything for You

August  14, 2009

I have called you children, I have called you son. 
What is there to answer if I'm the only one? 
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light. 
Still I must obey, still I must invite. 
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, 
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you. 

I was dressed embarrassment. 
I was dressed in wine. 
If you had a part of me, will you take your time? 
Even if I come back, even if I die 
Is there some idea to replace my life? 
Like a father to impress; 
Like a mother's mourning dress, 
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you 

I have called you preacher; I have called you son. 
If you have a father or if you haven't one, 
I'll do anything for you. I did everything for you 

current things.

So this is pretty weird, but I'm getting really close to moving out of my parents' house.  For good.  It's a really weird thought to me, but I like the idea of it a lot.  Sometimes (most of the time) I still feel so young, like twelve, really.  Other times, I know it's time for me to move on and discover the next adventures of my life.  So this, like any other change for me, is filled with equal amounts of excitement and fear.  I'll probably be moving down to my apartment in Salt Lake on Saturday.  Ah!

In related news, my last day of work (forEVER!) at Soldier Hollow is tomorrow.  I feel actually kind of sad about this.  It's hard to explain exactly how I feel, but I've grown very fond, I guess you would say, of the people I work with.  And if you haven't caught on to this yet, I hate endings of any kind.  It will be way awesome to not have to wake up at 5 anymore though!

As for school, this semester I'll actually start into my core psychology classes, which I'm really psyched about.  Right now, my plan is a major in Psychology, minor in Nutrition, and hopefully I'll graduate with an Honors degree.  I've gotta get on top of stuff and start getting involved in some research and all.  The nice thing about all of this is that I finally feel like I can breathe.....because finally, finally, I feel like I have a direction and a plan.  No more wandering aimlessly.  Obviously it will most likely change a bit or a lot before the end, but it feels so much nicer to know what I'm working towards.

And finally, back to the life list.  I really regret not posting about skydiving, but that's that, so if you'd like to know how it went and how amazing and alive it made me feel, just ask and I'll tell you all about it.  But anyway, the list.... since skydiving is now checked off, I have something else to take its place which is (and I'm serious!).... shark cage diving!  I don't know how or when I will make this happen, but I know it would be really really really awesome.  And kind of dangerous, but that's what I like about it.  

the list as of now.  ish.  

--the northern lights

--fireflies

--shark cage diving

--general happiness.  of course.

Love, Jennifer

"Red"

This feeling that we grew upon

Was never meant for words

And early morning thoughts

Scream forget me not

And I know the price of time

Is never too low

And the light overhead blocked out the moon

And the stars turned to red

And it's easy to get lost when you're in an element like this

Let it all go, let it all go

Give me something I can hold

See the world in black and white

Just close your eyes, close your eyes.

July 28, 2009

So....not much to say except for this:

Yesterday, I slept from 2:30 p.m. when I got home until 4:30 a.m. the next day, when I woke up for work.  Whooooa.  A record even for me.

Love, Jennifer

Today's playlist:

• Only By The Night (Kings of Leon)
• Oracular Spectacular (MGMT)
• On A Clear Night (Missy Higgins)

thoughts of a dying...adventurist?

July 24, 2009

I just had the strangest dream.  It was one of those that affects you so deeply that you can't shake the feeling even after you've woken.  In a bid for adventure I mistakenly catapulted myself off this gigantic church-type roof on a bicycle.  Absolutely the tallest building ever.  The next thing I knew I was sitting contemplating my life because I knew that I'd suffered internal injuries that couldn't be fixed and I had a few days at most to live.  Pieces of my body kept detaching themselves from inside as I slowly faded.  I cannot even begin to explain the way I felt.  The most surprising thing was how much fear I felt.  I feared the idea of death so much.  Like a thief taking away the single most important thing, death waited for me on the sidelines while I struggled to soak in what little I could with what time I had left.  I felt so much regret, and at the same time had a much clearer view of what life really meant.  I was so sad for the person I would never come, the fact that I would never be married or have children, graduate college, decide what to do with my life, nothing.  It seemed so ridiculous to me, the things I used to worry about.  Careers and school schedules absolutely paled in comparison to what I now faced.  I felt so terrible for my parents and my brother, who would have to watch me die, and really jealous of those who still had a future ahead of them.  Despite all of this, I wasn't angry or bitter, I just knew that it was my destiny to end this way.  In a way it was a calm thought, although underneath I still wanted so much.

I'm think I know why I dreamt this, and I'm glad to have felt what I did.  My subconscious knew what I did not.  Even as I type this, the feeling is fading, but I hope to hold on to as much of it as I possibly can.  I am so grateful to be alive right now, to have endless days ahead of me, but still I know that time waits for no one.

Love, Jennifer

divisions

July 20, 2009

Hello everyone. Sorry about the long absence, but to be honest, I'm often so bored I can't bring myself to do anything. And also I hate using the family computer, but that's another story.

So....a lot of the time my thoughts for blogs are golf course thoughts, which is to say things I ponder over while spending hours mowing grass every day. However, this one is a thought that's been percolating inside my head for months, or possibly even longer, I'm not sure. It's something that's developed slowly, and progressively become more obvious to me in my own relationships and those I observe of others. Sometimes it really discourages and frustrates me. So I'll throw it out there and see what you think.

Last time I blogged about passion, and this is somewhat related, but sort of different in this context.

Love.

It's puzzling to me why we all have such a hard time with it. Life is at its best when we feel love and are able to give love to others, but a lot of our time is spent denying it to those we don't feel like deserve it.

For instance, during my first year of college I encountered the strangest feelings between people who are LDS/people who are not. Taking into account that a lot of the instances that stuck out to me are simply extremes, a large amount of lds kids i knew had this habit of building walls. of not knowing how to coexist with others who have different values than them and quite frankly not wanting to. In return, many who were not lds, and specifically those who weren't from utah had this terrible opinion of mormons because they came across as closed-off, closed-minded, and definitely judgmental. it was frustrating to me. a large part of me tried to change those opinions and wanted to convince everyone that mormons weren't the worst people in the world and weren't out to judge them, but to be honest it's often a failing argument.

After a short amount of time, i realized how puzzling this problem is. on one hand, coming from an lds community and family, i can see their point of view. What comes across as judgmental and closed-minded is simply a person trying their very hardest to protect what they believe and live up to the standards they have chosen. Unfortunately sometimes people can't help avoiding building this box around themselves. It's not that they have feelings of animosity towards others, it's just that they're fiercely trying to be something different and don't know how to reconcile that with the way others are living their lives...sometimes really crazy lives.

On the other hand, it would frustrate me to no end. I hated that there had to be this division between what seemed like two clear groups. I have no answers for this, but I always wondered why people couldn't find a way to coexist. Find some way to be themselves and uphold their values without alienating others and seeming judgmental. I suppose in the end, it's better to be exactly who you want to be even if it offends others, but is there no middle ground?

As for love, I felt none of it, from either side. People automatically judged me and labeled me as a stuffy mormon because that is my religion. I could literally see it in their faces as they would dismiss me upon hearing this bit of information. Donald started trying his best to defend me. He's wonderful, and I love that about him, but I understood his need to quickly explain that I was more open-minded than other mormons. There was literally a small window of time to try to save yourself before your opportunity to get to know anyone was missed. Alternately, the people I was supposed to go to church with quickly realized I was trying to live in both worlds, and like the others dismissed me for that as well. I was too mormon for a lot of so-called "normal" people, and too not-mormon for all the lds kids in my building and around campus. I will give them credit for trying. And I must admit that there were 2 or 3 people who genuinely accepted me for who I was, but so many others obviously disapproved of my stance in life. Of course, it didn't help that I am dating someone who isn't lds. All I will say about this is that I have decided to accept people for what they are rather than what they aren't.

I guess this is the thing....this division I felt, albeit in a small way and seemingly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, exists among so many groups, religious or ethnic or whatever. We find it so hard to accept what is different. To be a bit of a nerd for a moment, this reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (movie) where harry is with luna in the forest. they are petting the thestrals and luna explains that they're really gentle creatures but people tend to stay away from them simply because they are so different.

I hate to see it, but no matter who you are, you have held back loving or accepting or even just giving someone a chance because they have been different than you. I suppose at this point I'm trying to reconcile my two worlds, which is sometimes very stressful to me. I'm trying so hard to love and accept everyone equally. That, I believe, is much more important than building walls around myself to make up for some self-doubt about who I am. I guess I have already decided who I am and what is important to me, and loving someone who isn't the same isn't going to change that.

Love, Jennifer

passion

June 16, 2009

In case you don't know, I work on a golf course, mowing grass all day. After awhile it kind of gets to be like driving, where you don't have to think about what you're doing so much as just letting your muscles do the work. It gives me a lot of time to think about things, and this just happens to be one of the things I pondered on today.

Passion. It's the strangest thing. There is no greater motivator in our lives, no pursuit holds our interest more or leads us to more happiness. There is also nothing else with the capacity to cause us so much emotional pain. For reasons unknown to us, we pursue our passions like a tangible dream, surpassing all obstacles in chase of what holds our attention at that moment. Sometimes these things are people. A lot of the time. Other times they are objects or goals or any number of other things. We cannot consciously choose what captures our heart; in fact, we often fall in love with the wrong person, whether they be simply wrong for us, unattainable, or undesirable. Sometimes we fall for the wrong behaviors or addictions. And yet, even in the moment we know that it's harmful to us, we are yet aching for what we desire. Our passions become the force propelling us from one stage of life to the next, defining moments and psychological states. It's hard to explain exactly what compels us, but it is absolutely sure that passion always has and always will move the human race. It seems that our passions and our souls are inextricably connected. Without it, we would be empty boxes, nothing more than a body surviving from day to day. In this way passions animate us and lift us up from the ordinary. Our hearts will ache, they will grow, and more often than not, they will break over passions but we will pick up the pieces and wake up ready to do it all again. What other choice do we have? Surely no one will get through this life without the pain of lost passion but surely there is no other path to happiness.

Love, Jennifer


.

things.

June 15, 2009

Things I currently love.

doughnuts from days. "closer" by kings of leon. sleeping in. sunburns. not being sick. sunroofs. my bed. ultimate frisbee. being with donald. discovering the new self. cooking. basil. white teeth. dane cook. tegan and sara....sara and tegan. the prospect of living on my own. new friends. old friends. rediscovered friends. dumb movies. hot pockets. laughing with my father. weddings in the future (not even my own). knowing i will be okay, no matter what. smiles at the golf course. gluttonous weekends. the food network. hgtv. bicycles. bare feet. barbequed food. green grass. the moon in the morning. goodnight texts. leaving things behind. roximo. the simpsons. summer dresses. meeting new, interesting people. torrential rain. living within the mountains. upcoming concerts. farmers' markets. vegetables. sleeeeeeeeeping. mac. you. me. them. giving. paychecks. doing a good job. the color green. comedy. dinner from my mother. taking care of people. the reward after the wait. and a lot more.

Love, Jennifer

currently.

June 2, 2009

How do I explain this?  Life is interesting, for sure.  It seems that once life begins changing, it is a downhill slope that only picks up speed as it goes.  I think of where I was one year ago, or 3 months ago and it's so incredible to me how different things become as life goes on.

Specifically, (or not so specifically, being clear is not a prominent feature of my writings/blogs) I am beginning to feel more and more as if I am the only one around me willing to enjoy the moment for what it is without rushing on to the next.  There is enough time to go around, folks.  Just slow down.  Don't force anything.  Maybe it will be better than you think?

Summer is usually a nice change of things though this one has been odd so far.  My days mostly consist of waking up way too early, working, doing a thing or two during the day, then going to sleep and starting all over.  And lots of waiting.  Waiting for weekends, for the chance to feel like I'm really living a life, for the time when I'll be able to go back, this time for good hopefully.  I've been really surprised and really happy how things have worked out so far, because I was really worried about becoming disconnected when I moved back to my parents' house.  Life works out nicely that way though.  All I want is to be able to hold onto this once things change again.

Overall, I'm happy and excited and somehow really proud of myself for nothing at all.

Love, Jennifer

time travel

May 5, 2009

So, last night's dream...

I could travel backwards in time!  I didn't really get to choose this, but I ended up at the end-of-the-year party last year after graduation.  I was sitting in this group of people and we were all talking.  Everyone got up and left except Hannah.  I really wanted her to know so I whispered, "I have something to tell you.  I'm from the FUTURE."  She just nodded her head and said she thought so.  Then I said, "Do you want me to tell you everything?"  And she was like "No.  No, no, no!"  And then she ran away!  That is the entirety of the dream.  It was pretty great though.

That's all for now.  Tomorrow I have a stats final, and then I'm finished.  How odd.

Love, Jennifer

endings

May 1, 2009

So, as of now I have about 8 days left before I leave campus and end my first year of college.  I have to say, it's really weird.  I've been kind of stressed lately (and sick because of it...there was a period where I suspected the swine flu, but that's another story, lol...) about finals and about starting next year and everything.  Plus, I have no idea where I will live in the fall.  I've been really worried about that but I suppose I will just see what happens, because despite my urgency things pretty much always work out on their own.  So...yeah.  I'm happy right now and pretty excited for the summer and for the future in general.

AND my dreams are getting awesome again!  For a long time they've been super boring but they've gotten weird again, which I love.  :)

Love, Jennifer

My life is excellent!  I have a MacBook and the internet.  That is all.  :)

Excess is excess.

April 14, 2009

I've been trying my hardest to stay in the present lately and enjoy what I have while I have it, but that's always been difficult for me. I love to think about the past. I always worry about the future, especially now. It's funny, somehow I thought once I made it to college and past all those decisions, it would be all set for a long while without too much anxiety. Not true! Anyway, I've been ruining my happiness lately by freaking out over all of this rather than enjoying what's in front of me at the time. In light of all of this, I think I need to adjust the way I look at things, not only right now, but for the summer as well. I really think I need to simplify. A lot! I feel like my life's become overly, unnecessarily filled with extremely unimportant things. I really want to get rid of a lot of stuff. Material things--clothes, unused things, unnecessary things. Maybe eBay will make me some money this way :) But more than that, maybe I will have the clarity I desire if I'm less distracted by the material when I should be focusing on the important.

So anyway, that's how I'm feeling as of now, which has led to a few goals:

• get rid of the "extraneous" things, as neil would call them.
• drive my car as little as possible. Fix up the red bike once again and fall in love with it once again.
• do something meaningful that makes me feel alive. I have a pretty good idea of what this is.
• spend my time with the most important people to me.
• give generously
• be present
  
• live authentically.

Love, Jennifer

Computer. Relay for Life. FML.

March 30, 2009

Here is my life as of late. My computer has stopped being useful. I have no internet, which is why I'm in a computer lab right now typing this. It's really frustrating to me because this happened for absolutely no reason at all. My little wireless button is eternally red, which is not good, and my computer tells me that it can find no networks to connect to because I have no wireless adapter. Yes I do! Or I used to! I've tried to research some solutions, but basically all I found was a lot of people (see forum) who have the same problem I do, but have no idea how to fix it because it's completely random. GAhhhhhhhh. If you want to see, here it is:

http://forums11.itrc.hp.com/service/forums/bizsupport/questionanswer.do?threadId=1136440&admit=109447626+1238378837173+28353475

Anyway, my warranty just barely expired in December, so that's bad news. But I'm taking it to the campus store tomorrow to see if they have any ideas. In the meantime, I am seriously considering the pros of switching to a Macbook, although I would be severely depleted of cash for the rest of forever. It's awesome.

Other than this, I have been surprisingly happy about the direction my life is going, and have a newfound interest in playing cards. And getting competitive. haha.

Thanks for listening to this terribly boring rant.

Love, Jennifer

PS--I will be participating in Relay for Life on campus in a couple weeks, so if any of you feel the generous desire to donate a bit of cash for my cause, that would rock. I hope to stay up all night and play a lot of cards when I'm not walking :)

www.fmylife.com


.

3/2/09

Question of the week: Is kissing natural?

Sure, it feels natural, but if you'd never seen anyone kiss before, would it occur to you to do it?

Love, Jennifer

Nerves Clam, Coordination Bread

Look what I painted today. I love college :)




Love, Jennifer

wrinkles.

February 17, 2009.

I was talking with a (new) friend of mine about getting old. She said she'll be the woman who continues dyeing her hair forever and gets Botox to smooth away the signs of age. She doesn't want any of it. I was just thinking....I can't wait to be old. To sit on the porch with the love of my life, holding arthritic hands. I can't wait to have grey hair and wrinkles and laugh lines. I want, as undesirable and embarrassing as some people might find it, to see the proof on my face that I

lived.
That I worked and I laughed and I learned.
And that I have the wrinkles to prove it.

Love, Jennifer

PS--Happy 300th post. :)

"Electric Fence" by Nick Arvin

Monday, February 9, 2009.

"He climbed the tree repeatedly, and he began to prefer the windy times when he could perch near the sky and feel the rush of the air and watch the horizon fall and rise. He went into the woods whenever a big wind started. The first time he was out in a storm, he was thrilled by the thrashing of the branches and the leaves, the crash of the rain, the danger. Soon he knew the big oak so well he could climb it by moonlight. The rush was even greater in a nighttime storm, a chaos of motion and wet blindness. And when the storm passed and uncovered the stars, it was a kind of miracle to cling so close to them and wait and watch while a blush of color grew on the horizon, then unrolled and unrolled until all the air was lit with blue and bright as day."

I read this, then looked around at all of my things and wondered why.

Love, Jennifer

learning

Sunday, February 8.

I was reading postsecrets this morning, and saw this one...



It made me stop a little and about this whole college thing I'm doing at the moment. Really, I don't doubt that this is exactly the right place for me to be right now, but it's kind of easy to get lost in this strange world here. It's easy to lose sight of the important things in life, the absolutely true things. As much freedom as is allowed here (as opposed to say, high school...), there are still a lot of people and ideas that will try to make you what they want you to be.

So I read this post card, and I began to think of what I've learned thus far. I've learned a lot academically, but most of all, I've learned a lot about humanity itself. It's hard to explain, but living among 30,000 other human beings has this way of magnifying things. Excitement is so much bigger, hate is so much bigger, pressure is so much bigger, and loneliness is so much bigger. Being here, I really identify with a lot of people, and I get this feeling of connectedness about the whole thing. It's like we're all in this together. Nobody knows exactly what we're doing with our lives, but we're trying, and we're trying together. So what have I learned? I have no idea. But I feel like I've been brought closer to the heart of humanity.

Love, Jennifer

thinking, thinking.

2/5/09

Well hello.

I have slacked and it has been pointed out to me. So this is my repentance, I suppose. Also, I kind of miss this because it used to mean more to me than it has recently. However, I have no more to say than ever before, so...yeah. Lol.

My life now consists of......lots of naps. LOTS of reading. The occasional social event. Driving people all over Salt Lake. It kind of reminds me of my sophomore year of high school, driving people everywhere, which I actually don't mind at all. It's strange to think this way, but I've finally moved out of my house in my mind. I'll be living in Midway during the summer, working and all, but that will probably be the last time. And when I think of being there, it's kind of like I'll just be staying there for a couple months until things begin again. BUT nobody likes to hear someone talk about themselves (themself is not a word.), so I'll try to move on. Haha.

Here's a thought I had the other day. I think people need opposition. Everyone always complains about the problems in their lives, but I think if removed, they would hate their existence as well. It's like...having a purpose I guess. If everyone had a perfect life, there would be no movement, and no struggle to get to a better place. People would feel purposeless. This is troubling to me. If this is true, do people unconsciously create barriers to happiness because they know it gives them a reason to live?

That is all.

Love, Jennifer

hmm.

Technology/The Internet/Facebook just sent me a strange message. It said, "Do something about yourself." What could this mean? Hmm.

*Promise: something better later.

Love, Jennifer

secrets

"And it is my hope that one day secrets will cease to exist. They not only trap us mentally, physically,and emotionally, but they also put a strain on everything and everyone around us; they prevent us from being ourselves, something neither you, the world or myself, can afford."

....from a guy speaking on a postsecret experience.


I wish.

Love, Jennifer

Resolutions

• Be fearless.
• Drink more water.
• Eat lots lots lots more vegetables.
• And less processed, fried, sugary, or otherwise unhealthy foods.
• Judge less.
• Allow myself and others opportunities.
  
• Be more open.
• Be less emotionally turbulent. (haha)
• Tell him every day. Make sure he knows.
• Take care of it. It's one of the most significant things in my life now.

Love, Jennifer

confessions

As part of my New Year's resolution this year, I'm trying to be more open. So to begin, my friends, here are some of my confessions :)

• I cannot pronounce this word---vinyl.
• Or---chipotle.
• I went to almost every Utes game this season, but the rules of football are still a mystery to me.
• I miss my month of vegetarianism.
• I compulsively lie sometimes.
• I am dreading this summer.

For now, that's all. Happy 2oo9.

Love, Jennifer

snowboarding.

So this will be quick since I have to leave in 4 minutes, but here goes what's been happening lately.

yesterday i hit up the canyons for my first day of snowboarding. it was so hard! berto warned me that my first day would be horrible because it was so frustrating, and he was definitely right. I spent like two hours on the bunny hill ( haha) just trying to figure out the whole thing, and I fell on my butt sooo many times. My left cheek is in pain today! haha.

don was with me and I feel horrible because I'm afraid I was mean to him. I was so frustrated and getting angry that I wasn't immediately getting it (irrational, i know). He tried to help but I wouldn't talk to him, and yet he didn't give up or get angry in return. Which reminds me why I love him.

So there is my first experience. It kind of sucked, but I will try again :) haha.

Love, Jennifer

free music sunday

Dear Blog Family,

Because I really love you all, and also because I have been seriously slacking in bloggage, I feel I should present you with a gift, so here it is. Free music time! In my adventures on the internet, the following list contains the most-worthwhile bunch of downloads I've found. Some of them are just nice while others are freaking awesome. ....oh, and they're free. (click the title for link)

Nine Inch Nails--The Slip
Hooray! Free full-album download from an artist. I was iffy about them at first for some reason, but it's actually really cool stuff. You might have to subscribe to their newsletter or something...I don't really remember...but it's definitely worth it.

P is for Panda Mix Tape: Vol. 1
Just click this link and all your wildest dreams will come true! Except really. I don't know what this thing is, but it's free, and it's kind of folk-y Jeb sort of music. It totally made my day when I found it. Be advised that the songs by "pasadena" are more in the country genre, but the rest rocks. Also, you'll probably need an amazon account to download them, and also this amazon downloader thing. both free and pretty easy. or at least I thought.

Badman, Has it Really Been 10 Years?Also from amazon. Also puzzlingly free and awesome. Still in the Jeb music genre. Still free. Another compilation of cool music....I hadn't heard of any of it, except for My Morning Jacket, but I found a lot of new stuff I like.

Deep Elm Sampler No. 8 "Bonfire of Trust"This one's from amazon again, and is released by a label called Deep Elm. More sweet stuff, so check it out.
That's all for now. If I stumble upon any more, I'll be sure to share the love. And hey, if you know of any yourself, link them in comments!

Love, Jeb

PS--If you're on Bebo, add "iTunes US" (or something like that) as a friend, and they give out a free playlist from iTunes every month. Sweet. Also, on iTunes they release about 2 or 3 tracks (sometimes good, sometimes crappy) and occasionally a music video for free every week. :)

infinite.

Perfect fall moment today. I stumbled upon this little tiny circle of trees off the side of the sidewalk, with a bench in the middle. The sunlight was streaming down through the branches and leaves were raining down. There was no way I could possibly resist it. Lying there on the bench, staring at nothing and smelling leaves and dirt and all kinds of other fall smells, I felt exactly what Charlie was talking about in the book "the perks of being a wallflower." I felt perfect. I felt content. I felt infinite.

Love, Jennifer

ice cream

Good deed of the day:
I was walking into the building, and there sits an ice cream sandwich in the wrapper, most likely melting. I thought of the janitor who would be really pissed off once it made an ice-creamy mess and he/she had to clean it up. so I definitely threw that thing away. Act of kindness? I'd say so. ha.

Love, Jennifer

excuse!

Guess who's already slacking? I am. I swear to you I have a legit reason though.

Last night I have these weird dreams where all these students are running down a hill. And I feel a wave of nausea but think to myself "i can just stick this out, I'll feel better," which makes me feel slightly better. Then a student runs by and says, "oh no you can't. you are definitely going to throw up. you are incredibly sick." and then I feel so nauseous again. I'm only half dreaming but I can't get out of this cycle and I can't think of anything besides this hill.

Finally I get up and go into the bathroom at like 4 in the morning. I'm just standing in front of the toilet feeling horrible, but nothing's happening, which is even more frustrating. Eventually I throw up but it doesn't make me feel that much better so I end up sitting on the floor of the dorm eating chunks of Morgan's bread (sorry...) and drinking some water.

That, apparently, is not helpful either because I end up waking up at 5:30 and throwing up again, this time it's worse. So note to self, don't eat anything else. That's about how I got to this point, still in bed because I feel too crappy to get up for any reason.

So, my apologies. Good deed for today: I would really like to use the bathroom, being sick and all, but C is in the shower with some guy, so I've been leaving them alone. Seriously though, this is a really long shower.

Love, Jennifer

spread the love

Alright, so here's my new idea. Each day I'm going to blog and tell you about one act of kindness I've done. First of all, this is a good idea because random acts of kindness are great for everyone! And second, maybe now I'll start blogging on a regular basis, which I've totally been slacking at lately.

Today I was sitting in my Anthropology class. And it's a lecture. For the most part I've actually been pretty interested in all of it so far, but at this point it kind of feels like a repeat of stuff I've already heard, and it can get really boring. I was sitting there, mostly asleep, when I heard the girl next to me say "there's a spider on your back!" Yeah, I woke up pretty quickly. And I saw the guy right in front of me with a spider on his back, and it freaked me out, so I took my pen and flicked it away. Crisis over---the guy thanked me, and again when we were leaving class. And I felt pretty good about this whole thing, and came up with the blog/acts of kindness idea. So there you have it.

Love, Jennifer

garden state.

Last night I watched Garden State with Natalie, Britta, and Berto. It was a nice movie, but one quote stuck out to me.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist."

It was kind of this weird moment where I was like, "whoa. I think that's me." I don't feel like I really live in my parents' house anymore, but I'm not really sure if I live in salt lake either. And the more I think about it, instead of gaining more of myself by going to college, it's like I've lost the old person. And now I'm trying to pick up the significant pieces and make myself. It's....bewildering. I don't know who to be because I don't know what's important. After 3+ years of trying to figure this out, you'd think I'd have an answer. I don't. I can't even remember who I was when I left.

Love, Jennifer

My list.

M was telling me yesterday about one of the books she is reading in a class, where the author writes these lists of things every now and then. Just....lists. lol. And then M told me about how her class spent the day creating lists and reading them to each other. All of this made me want a list of my own, so here it is.

Things I shouldn't like, but do.

• Drinking water that tastes just a little bit chlorine-y. It only happens occasionally, depending on where I fill my bottle, but when I get some I love it. It's almost addictive.
• Taking a nice hot shower, then in the last fifteen seconds, turning the water cold. It's really shocking and like Ahhhhhhhhhh! Why!? but I enjoy it.
• Wearing a swim cap. (guess what--I started trying to actually swim again. crazy, i know) It makes me look so goofy, but I love feeling like I have a bald head, hahaha
• This really weird rubbery smell that saturates the bike room. I'm guessing it's the smell of bike tires. But I like it.
• Freaking myself out. For instance, whenever I'm somewhere driving or walking around and I don't see people for a few minutes, I imagine that I am the last person on earth after some horrible disaster. It gives me the creepiest feeling, but I do it all the time, haha.

Well I think that's a good list for now. :)

Love, Jennifer

life in pictures

To be honest, I have no idea where to start. But here is my life in photos for the past couple (or few) weeks...


This is me (my feet...) riding in my new (really cool!) friend Bronzson's hippie van. This thing is sick. Taylor's in shotgun and Alex is sitting on the bed in the back next to me. We drive around burning incense and listening to chili peppers or 311. Good times.

Here is Taylor reading to Bronzson and I at Sam Wellers bookstore. Alex is somewhere making sausages fall off walls or looking at books of tattoos.

This is Sigur Ros! I went to the concert with Morgan and our floormate Erin, who also has excellent taste in music. It was soooooooo fantastic. I've never heard anything more beautiful in my life!
This is at Oktoberfest, which was on Thursday. Haha. Those are men playing bells and accordions and some swiss horns and stuff. It reminded me of Swiss Days in midway, actually....and also I got a free hotdog. Hooray!
This is just mysterious. Last week, these appeared ALL OVER campus overnight. I'm pretty sure it's paint made from flour and water, but the school still got pissed cause they had to clean them up. On my way to class one morning, I counted like 70 of them, just on the route I was walking. There were probably hundreds of them all over, and the crazy thing is, no one knows what it means. Morgan and I think it may be some sort of social experiment or possibly someone is trying to get someone to propose to them or something. Who knows. Crazy though.


So that's my life as of now. I am happy. I hope you are too.

Love, Jennifer

This doesn't work.

Ineffective ways to write an essay:

• Put it off until the night before it's due.
• Watch one (or more) episodes of the Office for creative influence.
• Invite friends over of any kind.
• Check your email.
• Write a blog.

Love, Jennifer

So...

Here is a hard lesson.

Everything matters. All of it. Even the stuff you think doesn't, it does.

Love, Jennifer

don't even read this.

So here is how my day went...

Woke up, writing class, eat, IT class.
....................................................................................
That was a lot of nothing.

Printed some stuff for classes, more boring than it sounds.

Listened to lots and lots of 30-second music clips, discovered Fleet Foxes. Wanted to contact people, didn't.

Left the dorm, which was starting to feel claustrophobic. Walked to the trax station to go somewhere, then left after sitting for a couple minutes cause I didn't even have anywhere i wanted to go.

Walked back up campus to the druggie grove, laid in the grass and achieved a state of semi-sleep. Woke up and felt funny. Walked up to Chapel Glen and fell asleep on the grass with Alexia and Sarah.

Woke up later after they left and went to the HC. Ate food. Wanted to contact more people again, still didn't.

Came back, endured fire drill. Now typing this. Now leaving. haha.

Such a boring day.

Love, Jennifer

kidneys

Here is a thought from an essay I read in my writing class. M and I discussed this, and I've been thinking about it a lot...

"After learning that thousands of people with failing kidneys die each year while waiting for a transplant, he contacted a Philadelphia hospital and donated one of his kidneys to a complete stranger.
...he says that the chances of dying as a result of donating a kidney are about one in four thousand. For him this implies that to withhold a kidney from someone who would otherwise die means valuing one's own life at four thousand times that of a stranger, a ratio Kravinsky considers 'obscene.'"

From "What Should a Billionaire Give?" by Peter Singer


So that's a big enough concept to keep one occupied for a bit of time considering. I know I have. Anyway, that's all for now.

All the love I could possibly give,
Jennifer

This Big Picture

I woke up about an hour ago, which I was actually thankful for today because I was having the most horrible dream. I dreamt that the school year was over, and my parents were here picking me up to go home for the summer. Except everyone else got to stay here at school. I've got to say, I haven't felt such extreme sadness and despair in a long time! Anyway, I tell you this, because it might help to explain how I feel about this place, although I have only been here for three weeks.

I love it's newness, which still hasn't worn off, and I love meeting so many new, great people. To be honest, it's been extremely difficult staying true to the things I thought were unmovable in my life. It's hard to be different. Specifically, it's a challenge to be LDS. Pretty much everyone I've met have been genuinely good people, but not all of them have the same moral code as I do. Sometimes the general vibe I get is, If you're a Mormon, why don't you just go to BYU? Good question. I've asked myself that as well, but I honestly have no answer. It just never seemed right, whereas the U really did. Anyway, I've been spending my days trying to navigate this new life, thinking of questions I don't immediately have the answer to. I have been trying to figure them out, however. (A couple of you can attest to this!)

My point is, I love this school. I am loving a school that doesn't necessarily love me back. For once I am a religious minority! But it does accept me. But I think that soon I will figure out who I really am, and how I fit into this big picture.

That's my thought for today. I was happy to wake up.

Love, Jennifer

excuses and music of the week

Hi :) So, I've been home this weekend but haven't really seen people, which sucks because that's what I was planning on doing. I ended up just doing a lot of stuff with my family, and taking care of a lot of other things for school. Blah. Hopefully I'll get to stop by Enano's tomorrow morning before I head back, and maybe I'll get to see some people there. That would be nice.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say for today. This past week has sounded like the album "Hopes and Fears" by Keane. Especially "Might as well be strangers" and "untitled 1." If you have them, go listen. I had forgotten how much I loved them.

Love, Jennifer

love/not so much

Here is what I love about college:

• A really relaxed schedule. Three classes a day, max. The ability to choose whether I attend or not, no one forces me to do anything. Professors who don't mind when you show up late or leave early.
• Having to exercise all the time. Walk, walk, walk. Biking back up campus is brutal and wonderful.
  
• MEETING PEOPLE!!! I've been having these random conversations with strangers all over. While eating breakfast, at the bus stop, in the elevator on the bridge, everywhere. Really cool people.
• Being exposed to all kinds of new. New faces and names, new cultures, new music, new ideas. Reading an essay about one student's love of writing as an art, a thing of absolute and eternal beauty.
• Being scared. Because I know it means I am evolving.

Here is what I don't like so much about college:

• TRAX cars that smell really bad. Enough said.
• Not knowing where to find stuff. Haha. But I'm actually figuring it out pretty well, which is a feat for me. I usually have no sense of direction at all.
• Having homework again. Sick. But predictable. Not even busy work.
• Not knowing people. But this is two sided, because it's alternately this opportunity to meet lots and lots of people that are different from me and amazing.
• Not being around people from Heber anymore. I miss you guys a whole freaking lot.

I will be home this weekend; give me a call!

Love, Jennifer

The U

so college.....kind of crazy. And I really, seriously had my doubts but it just takes time I suppose, and things always get better. What a weird adjustment! Anyway, I met a really cool person tonight whom I think I will get to see at some point again, and thought I'd share the good news.

Doesn't change the fact that my heart is fractioned into pieces and spread all over everywhere now. I miss you all. And will see you soon. :) And that is a promise.

Love, Jennifer

From the sketchbook...

Sharpie art.



Love, Jennifer

I Heart Olympics

So I really absolutely love watching the summer Olympics. I could do it for hours, and I'm not even kidding. And this is saying a lot because I don't even watch TV very much! So anyway, I was kind of thinking about this the other day, and then Natalie told me about her dream which was basically the same idea I had. So here is what I think the blog family would compete in if we all made it to the Olympics....

Morgan: marathon running
Hannah: Sailing
Me: Gymnastics
Britta: Rowing
Natalie: Fencing
Erin: Swimming
Randi: Swimming
Tish: Table Tennis
Michael: Beach Volleyball
Neil: Diving
Berto: Archery
Creighton: Water polo


Why do I pick these things? you ask. Haha I don't know. As is the case with most of my thoughts on blog posts/choices in life/clothing worn each day, all I can say is, it just seems right.

Much love, Jennifer

By the way, Ugly is the new Beautiful

sunday.

There's something really intimidating about this blank white blog box, don't you think? I never really know how to start these things. Ha. 270+ posts and you would think I'd have it figured out by now.

So I'm aware that I've been kind of slacking in the bloggage lately, so I apologize for that. I've mostly just been running around all over, trying to postpone the inevitable. Only eleven days until I move away. Fifteen until classes start. Agh, weird. Scary. But anyway, enough of that...

Well, I honestly have nothing to say...usually by now something would have popped out of my brain, but I have nothing at the moment, so I'll just end by providing you, my faithful readers, with a list of my favorite internet time-wasters. A valuable waste of time, I'd say!

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com Really, ridiculously funny.

www.postsecret.com It kind of changes my life every week...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3842331/ The Week in Pictures. Enough said.

www.runzuzanarun.blogspot.com
A Slovakian athlete and student at the U's blog about the olympics. Hooray!

That's all. See you all soon, I'm sure.

Love, Jennifer

Vegetarian Month

Well, here we are. I feel kind of strange because I have this insane urge to blog, but I'm tired of the thoughts that circle my head over and over and really have nothing to say.

I guess I can tell you how vegetarian month is going. For July I decided to try being vegetarian for a month for a few reasons.

1) To better understand my dear friend M
2) Because she always talks about how much better she feels without meat. Which always sounds good, feeling better.
3) I have this strange habit of choosing to do things that I know will be difficult for me. Giving up things, etc. It's the exercise of willpower that I love, not that I'm especially against what I'm giving up.
4) To say I did it.

So anyway, today is day #20. And I must say, being vegetarian is really not very difficult. Sometimes I would really like to eat meat (like when my parents have something meat-filled for dinner, it's independent food night for me), but I don't miss it all that much. It's kind of like the soda thing. I miss it now and then, but after a certain amount of time, you realize that you really don't need things as much as you thought you did. And it feels kind of good, if only for a month or however long this lasts, to free myself from things, to prove what I can do.

The one obstacle I've encountered during this little experiment is the social eating of meat. Haha. It's been a little weird to maneuver my way out of social situations where people are eating meat, or offering it to me. I feel rude saying no, and honestly, a lot of people would scoff at my month of vegetarianism (be honest. you were smirking to yourself when you started reading this.) so I'm a little bit cautious about telling people.

The cool thing is, I've started to notice a difference. I actually do feel better. I feel a whole lot better about the drastic decline in the amount of cholesterol-laden foods I've been eating. And as a side effect, I'm eating a ton more fresh fruits and vegetables to make up for what I would've eaten in meat and related dishes. I think I'm finally drinking as much water as I should per day. And I've found I really don't like sweet, sugary things as much as I used to either. Hooray!

So I'm contemplating continuing for the rest of the summer. And after that I will probably start eating small amounts of meat again, mostly because I think I'll have a lot harder time once fruits and vegetables go out of season, because they make up a large part of my diet right now. But strange as it is, and despite my expectations, I actually liked doing this. And I LOVE veggie burgers. (You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get your hands on those things. :) )

Love, Jennifer

The Soundtrack To My Life

I'm always amazed how well music is able to define the moments of my life that even I cannot.

Wolfmother's "Vagabond" knows exactly what freedom feels like this summer. It knows what speeding down a hill on your grandmother's bicycle, arms outstretched, putting your trust in absolutely everything and nothing feels like.

Our Lady Peace's "Thief" knows what hope is made of. What fear and reluctance and that indefinable possibility of something lovely feels like.

Elbow's "Mirrorball" knows what it means to be yourself, and nothing else. It knows what self-acceptance feels like. Unconditionally.

John Butler Trio's "Ocean" knows, more than any other, what pure exhilaration sounds like.

The White Stripes' "Sugar Never Tasted So Good" knows how to define that feeling of new experiences, of feeling proud of what you're doing at the moment and who you're with.

Sigur Ros' "Ara Batur" knows what love sounds like. Love at any level, any moment, any setting. It knows what vulnerability is, and how beautiful that can be.

Good night. :)

Love, Jennifer

Bereft

Where had I heard this wind before
Change like this to a deeper roar?
What would it take my standing there for,
Holding open a restive door,
Looking down hill to a frothy shore?
Summer was past and the day was past.
Sombre clouds in the west were massed.
Out on the porch's sagging floor,
Leaves got up in a coil and hissed,
Blindly striking at my knee and missed.
Something sinister in the tone
Told me my secret my be known:
Word I was in the house alone
Somehow must have gotten abroad,
Word I was in my life alone,
Word I had no one left but God.

Robert Frost

I am dreaming. I can do anything I want.

I have made progress in dreaming lucidly. I was talking with Morgan the other day about how I'd stopped trying for a long time because it's such work and because it made me so tired to keep trying. She convinced me I should continue, so I did. On monday, I kept telling myself, This is a dream. This is a dream. This is a dream. before I fell asleep so I would remember to recognize it.

In the dream I had, I was walking through this gravel parking lot sort of place, and saw a man standing there, so I began to walk towards him. As I was a few feet away, I thought to myself, I am dreaming. I can do anything I want. So I walked up to him and took his face in my hands and kissed him on the lips! I didn't really know him, and had no reason to do this, except for I've always kind of thought that if I realize I'm dreaming, and want to test it, I will kiss someone and see what happens.... so in this dream, it worked out. I knew I was dreaming! It was an insane, strange feeling. But I forgot to pay attention to the thought and it began to slip away.

This is the problem I always have, even if I do realize I'm dreaming, or get some glimpse of that thought, it takes a lot of concentration to hold on to it. Attention span in the dream world is significantly shorter than in real life! So holding on to the fact that it is a dream is like trying to hold water in your hands....it slips away, little by little in this steady stream, until soon you have nothing at all, and you've forgotten.

It's a big step, however. I can't wait until it happens again.

Love, Jennifer

Zune vs. iPod

So, it has finally happened, the moment I have been dreading somewhere in the back of my mind. My zen, my mp3 player, has finally reached the end stages of its life and is quickly picking up speed on the downhill. Sad news, I know. But now I have a predicament, which I think you may be able to help me with!

My replacement will be either an 80gb Zune (red!) or an 80gb iPod. But which one?? Here's how it breaks down.

Zune:

pros

• red color
• video
• lots of space
• relatively few problems (that i've heard)
• excellent customer service
  
• just kind of awesome in general

cons

• no scroll wheel
• more difficult to share music with other people
• the world revolves around iPods

iPod

pros

• scroll wheel
• video
• lots of storage
• the world revolves around them
• easy sharing of music with the other zillion people who own them.

cons

• I hate it when my things break, and...
  
• they seem to have a lot of problems....
• which apple sucks about correcting easily for you.

Well, that is about all I have. If I got an iPod, by the way, it would probably be white. And both of these cost exactly the same. This is a difficult decision. I think I may be leaning towards the Zune though...? I would love to hear your opinions.



me...............
or me.............................?

Love, Jennifer

Updated

So, the blog has a new outfit, which I like a lot. I like you a lot too. Going to bed (maybe) now.

Love, Jennifer

plummeting

Skydiving is something that I've always thought would be really cool (I mean really, really cool...) and just a little bit crazy, and I've come to the decision that I have to do it. And I'm serious! I think this will count as my irresponsible use of graduation money (as dictated), and will be one of those incredible, priceless life experiences that I need to have. When will the time ever be better to experience life than at the present?

Pope Paul VI said, "Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows."

That is why I want to jump out of a plane and fall through the sky. Because I am dying; because we are all dying; because even if I live to be a century old, I only have 81 years, 2 months, and 28 days to accomplish, feel, and experience everything I want to on earth. And that is far, far too little time.

Love, Jennifer

The Present Tense

My "project," if you will, so far this summer has been a major clean-out of my room. Major. It started with the closet, which was ridiculous and in need of an overhaul, but I got carried away in the magic of a fresh start and went through everything else as well. Anyway, in this course of events, as well as with a close examination of myself, I've come to realize something.

I hold on to the past like no other. I keep bits and pieces of things with the mentality that those useless little sentiments will help me to...what? Keep me connected to the safe, happy times that I've had, perhaps. Maybe this is why photography seems so natural to me. (Pause. I am absolutely not condemning photography as "useless" or anything else like that. It is art. That is all.) It's a preservation thing sometimes. I preserve those ticket stubs and those souvenirs like there's no tomorrow...and I'm not even using that phrase idly right now.

And at the same time, the future preoccupies my thoughts way more than it should. Seriously, I turn the scenarios and "ifs" over and over in my mind until I'm sufficiently worried and confused and don't trust myself anymore. I plan and think and plan, but the truth is, most of life can't be planned or thought out; it just has to happen, and be experienced as it does.

So in the midst of all this, the grasping onto the good times of the past, and ripping apart the future in my mind, I forget about...the present. Oh, right. That. It seems so absurd that I would forget about the very moment I'm living in, but I swear, it happens about 90% of the time. And the crazy thing is, when I take the time to make myself stop and breathe, and simply be, I can't believe I ever waste any time doing anything else!

Jon Foreman said, "Here's what I wish someone had told me before I graduated from high school: Respect the present moment. We're looking for the next thing and the next thing--graduate from high school, then graduate from college, then get a job--we plan the whole thing out. With that type of mentality we miss the present tense; we miss the exciting amazing event that the 'now' is."

So there it is. How much better would life be if we just lived in the "now" and nothing else? I can hardly imagine. But that kind of brings me full circle...the cleaning out of everything useless and outdated from my life, it's become this catharsis for me; a symbolic representation of the fears I'm shedding as I move forward and experience things rather than analyze them all out of context before they happen. I've loved every single event that's brought me to the moment I'm in now, but those times can't be my safety raft anymore. It's kind of terrifying at moments to start over, but like a breath of fresh air at the same time. Here's to being fearless, to stepping forward without really knowing, and to living life as it happens.

Love, Jennifer

well hello

hello world,

so not much to talk about has been happening since i returned from mexico. just so you all know, i'm working on the massive blog that contains details from the trip, so that should be up once i have a spare moment to type it all up. this week i started the new job at the golf course, which has been unexpected and a little bit crazy, but i actually do have some sort of weird fun doing various golf course duties. despite the fact that i can only sleep until 5:30 max these days, summer is going well. i do want to see all of you though! all of this work may drive me crazy soon unless i start seeing lots of you! more later...

love, jennifer.

The Mexico Trip

Ah, Mexico. My new favorite place. M, H, and I spent a week at a resort in Bucerias after graduation and what follows is, more or less, a full account of the happenings...

Monday, May 26

We're here in Mexico, which is fantastic beyond words! H, M, and I left along with M's family at 5 a.m. I really hate airports, and don't even like flying that much, but getting to travel is well worth the sacrifice! At about 3 p.m. we landed in Puerto Vallarta, where we were immediately bombarded by taxi drivers and shuttle and luggage guys. After a short drive, we arrived at our hotel, which is almost beyond description. The buildings are painted every color imaginable, and none of it is indoors--everything, including our room, just have these outside hallway sort of things. It's so cool. Our room has a perfect view of the ocean, which is only about 100 feet away! Ah, the ocean! I am truly in love. The first thing we did when we got here was go swimming, then got dressed and went to dinner--mm--then walked on the beach some more.

After awhile, we couldn't stand it anymore, and even though it was dark, changed back into our swimsuits to go swimming in the ocean at night. For about an hour and a half, M, H, and M's brother and I frolicked in the waves, trying to catch them to ride. It was so much fun and so addicting, but I'm really tired now.

Today we saw this couple being married on the beach. They were so funny, but completely perfect for each other; you could tell. The three of us talked to them and congratulated them, and the groom was a little bit tipsy but otherwise both were very happy.

I can hear the ocean now--roaring, crashing, majestic, free. All of the things I love about it. Goodnight, or do I say?--Buenos Noches.

Tuesday, May 27

Another beautiful day! The weather here is really nice--it's always warm, but it's been kind of cloudy so there isn't blazing sun. And the ocean is always warm and lovely. Somehow I managed to get a little sunburn on my face, even though I wore sunscreen.

Today we played in the ocean a lot again, which is something I will never get tired of. In the morning we rented kayaks and paddled around. I definitely got tossed overboard within the first two minutes....making it out past the surf was harder than it looked! Once outside on the water, the four of us just kept going further and further, and everytime I turned around to look back, I couldn't believe I was actually here, and I couldn't believe how lucky I am.

Later on, we checked out boards to bodysurf with, which I really, really love! There's just something about that rush you get when you can catch an excellent wave just right that's a little bit addicting.

Lunch today was good, and dessert was--as always--my favorite. They have the most wonderful ice cream here, really creamy and rich. I usually end up eating as much dessert as food, but it probably evens out because we spend so much time every day fighting against the waves as we play in the ocean.

At around four I finally took a break from the water to lie on the beach and take a nap. What I really love about being here is that there are no schedules, no clocks anywhere, it's just the sun and the ocean and the sky.

I really miss having a guitar though. I keep having these moments where everything is so perfect, it just feels like a song, and I have no instrument to get it out. Maybe when we go to the flea market sort of thing, I could find a really cool Mexican guitar? That would be so fantastic.

We walked down the beach today to the regular part of Bucerias, where there are restaurants and little shops all over. It's kind of strange, but one of the things I like the most is seeing the streets, dirty and broken as they are. I love our resort, but the little narrow streets and chipped colors everywhere feel so much more authentic and telling. As we were walking down the beach, there was the most beautiful boy, about my age, just sitting in the sand and staring at the ocean. I wished I knew Spanish because I wanted to talk to him, to find out what he was thinking. Sometimes those little moments make me think that there are really copies of myself spread out all over the world, and it makes me want to travel even more.

I've decided that when I die, part of my ashes should be scattered into the ocean, because it already contains a big enough piece of my heart.

Wednesday, May 28

Today was a lot, a lot, a lot of fun. Our entire group went on this zip line canopy tour through the jungle. I loved it! There were about fourteen or fifteen of these cables stretched across through the trees and over a river. We had little harnesses that clipped on, and--true to name--we zipped down.

After the zip line we got to play with some monkeys, which are so incredibly curious, and also very cute. Everyone loved those. Then we got to hold this huge python, which made me a tiny bit nervous, but was still my favorite out of all the "animals." There was also this toucan, who was so beautiful! he was black, with really bright red and yellow and blue (and maybe green?) feathers on his chest. And finally there was a tarantula! That one freaked me out; I let it crawl on my chest and face, and it was the strangest sensation. he had tiny little prickly hairs all over, and his legs felt kind of spiny on the ends. M's brother even let the guy put it in his mouth, which really freaked me out! It was still a really cool experience though.

We all had dinner tonight at this restaurant called The Piccolo, which is Italian themed, and actually pretty good. The food here is usually pretty good, but not spectacular, but I was really impressed with this one. I had some sort of chicken dish (I forget the name) with a caesar salad and tiramisu for dessert. The presentation was beautiful, and as always, I loved the tiramisu, which was rich and creamy and wonderful.

Clubbing tonight!!

Thursday, May 29

I'll start with the "Disco." It was crazy--not because it was an especially out-of-control place, but because I don't go to bars, or clubs, or any of that kind of thing. M and I got there around 12 or 12:30, and there was hardly anyone there, only about six women and a guy on the dance floor, and a few creepy guys sitting around on the top level and by the bar. We started dancing with the other people on the floor, which was fun, mostly because the guy was gay and really enthusiastic. More people slowly trickled in, and started dancing, and I recognized a couple (I'm not sure if I mean that literally) from the zip line. Other than that everyone was just random and new to me, but we danced with them anyway and had a good, smoky, sweaty (this is mexico!) time. Everyone carried their cameras around on their wrists or whatever and some girl snapped a picture of M and I dancing, so I suppose we'll we showing up on the internet somewhere sometime soon.

After awhile we got really thirsty and took a break to get a drink and play foosball. I felt kind of funny ordering a virgin margarita in this club, but it was good and no one noticed anyway.

Today we went to this waterpark and had a Sea Lion encounter, which was pretty cool. They're so big!.....

One of the things I love about Mexico is how friendly--and funny!--the people are. There's this one guy, the singer from the band that plays here, who we always see that reminds me of someone off of Full House. He's such a cool guy; every time we see him, he pretends to be upset that we're breaking some sort of rule. Last night we were sitting on these outdoor couches and he came to "tell us" to get our feet off, but he was really just messing with us. And somehow we always believe him! (Speaking of outdoor couches...I love these! There are little living rooms set up all over the resort with only a roof overhead. They're perfect to hang out in. I wish I had one at my house!) Anyway, I'm really in love with just about everyone I meet here.

So M has gotten sick, which really sucks. She thinks that it was something she ate or drank, which really freaked me out, but everyone else seems to be fine so far.

Today I bought a tiny pair of turquoise earrings for $1--the first thing I've bought so far besides an ice cream at the water park. Shopping tomorrow however, where I'm sure I'll make up for it.

Friday, May 30

As much as I've fallen in love with all of the other cities I've visited--Chicago, San Francisco, Nashville even--I've come to love absolutely everything about Bucerias and about Mexico so much more! I will definitely leave a big part of my heart here when we leave.

Today we got to sleep in, which was excellent. There's nothing like waking up to the ocean in the morning to make you sure it will be a good day. After breakfast, where I had what was probably the best omelet on earth, we all walked down the beach to the market to do some shopping. It took me a little bit to get used to bargaining, but once I got over the fear it actually ended up being pretty fun. I got some things for my family and friends, and a little for myself. Mostly, it was just insanely hot. We were baking out there, with only these floor fans in the shops to move the air around.

It was so crazy--on one street corner, I looked over and there was this group of people sitting around with a pet badger tied up. It's so bizarre when I see stuff like that.

After we got back and I took a little time to get some water and convince myself I was just sick from the sun and not food poisoning, H, M, and I went down to the pool. We found a tiny little circular one and mostly just splashed around (water feels soooo nice) and laughed a lot, a lot, a lot.

There's this guy that I keep noticing all week, who has really pale skin and almost red hair, and he's always with this asian guy. Anyway, he just intrigues me for no reason, and I keep seeing him everywhere. M and I kept looking over at them across the other pool... after awhile, we were getting out and drying off, and he walked straight over to us to ask if we were going to the disco tonight. We said possibly and after a bit he left, and we went back up to our room. Anyway, I'm excited to go tonight and see what happens with that.

So tonight was "Mexican Fiesta" night at the resort, and it was so much fun! They had this mariachi band walking around being festive, and the guy who goes around dressed like a woman was there again. I love that guy! We went around playing games for awhile, earning fake Mexican money that we could use later at the auction. The three of us together got $6600 pesos, and tried to buy this ceramic fish, but didn't get it. All that was left was a bottle of tequila, so we gave our money to the people in front of us, but they just gave it back with theirs and told me to yell "once mil!" which is $11,000. We still got outbid, so we gave it all to this guy on our right, who kept getting more and more donations. It turned into this crazy bid war between him and one other person, and it ended up at like $90,000 pesos, but our guy lost. It was fantastic though; so much fun.

The people in front of us, who it started out with, were such a cool family. There were the parents and their three sons, two who were about our age or a little bit older, and an older son. One of the younger sons was so attractive! He was like a Mexican version of an indie kid with longish hair, a t-shirt, a vest, skinny jeans, and vans. Oh, and of course, the black framed glasses.

Really good day. Really, really.

Saturday, May 31

Last night was really fantastic and so much fun! M and I started walking over at about 12:00, and we passed the asian and the pale guy going the opposite way. When we got inside we noticed the three guys from the auction sitting at a table, and the older guy kind of waved when we walked by. While we were getting our drinks, he came up and asked us if we wanted to dance, so we said yes and left our drinks at their table and went to dance with him. The other guy was with us. The older guy's name was Martin, and the other guy was Oscar, and after awhile the cute guy (who is Oscar and Martin's nephew; O and M are brothers) came up and started dancing with us too. His name is Cesar. He was such a cool dancer, in a way that's kind of indescribable and just his own.

After awhile we all went to sit down and talk. Talk is kind of a funny term here, because none of us could communicate super well with each other. Martin could speak English pretty well but Cesar and Oscar only knew a tiny bit, and neither M nor I know very much Spanish. So I sat next to Cesar and talked to him, using Martin as our translator when we couldn't find a way to say what we wanted to. We talked about music, and Cesar said he likes rock and techno, which I found out is called "psycho" in Mexico. He's in a band called "Free Minds," or "Mentes Libres" in Spanish, and he sings and plays electric guitar. He is in college for graphic design.

So we found out how old they are...Cesar is 18, Oscar is 20, and Martin is 30....which is a little weird, but whatever.

They asked us if we had boyfriends, and M said yes and I said no. Martin kept asking her about it and she had to explain that she loved him. Martin said he had a girlfriend but didn't want one while on vacation, which I thought was really crappy of him but whatever. He asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend and I said that I didn't know, that I just hadn't found anyone I really liked. After I said that Cesar asked Martin what I said for a translation, so I guess he wanted to hear the answer. I turned to Cesar and asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said no and shook his finger, which was kind of cute, I thought.

I was just sitting there, and he took off this red and white striped bracelet and held it out to me. I thought he wanted me to have it, but I was confused so I asked Martin, who translated. He said Cesar wanted me to have it, and that it was kind of a "sacrifice" (he couldn't think of the right word for this) because it was something about Cesar's favorite soccer team, but that he still wanted me to have it and it was a kind of special thing for him to give it to me. I was really floored and happy about that. He gave us his web address, then later he asked for my email address, which I gave to him.

He offered me a drink, but I told him that I didn't drink. He asked me why, and I thought for a minute to try to explain it, but I could think of no good way, so I just said that I never really wanted to. He said, "Oh. That's okay," which I thought was pretty nice of him.

At three the club started to close so we told them we had to go back and said goodbye. I didn't really know what to do, so I hugged Cesar and told him thank you for the bracelet. I think M and I will go back tonight so we can see them one more time.

Today we just played in the ocean and pool and pretty much all got sunburnt. It was still good though.

Sunday, June 1

We're on the plane now, flying home, which really sucks. I'm so sad to be leaving Mexico because I really have fallen in love with it.

Last night was crazy and wonderful and everything in between. M and I went back to the disco last night, and I was really happy to see Oscar and Cesar sitting at the same table when we walked in. We got our virgin pina coladas (the bartender laughed that we were "still virgins") and went to sit with them. We danced for awhile, then we asked them if they wanted to go take a walk with us. This was kind of hard to communicate because Martin, our translator, wasn't there, but we still got it somehow. The four of us walked to the beach and just walked, which was really fun because it took a little improvisation to get everything across. Cesar tried to teach me how to say his name correctly, which was difficult because we never roll R's in English! It was fun though. We talked about the beach, and how to say all the words associated with that, about our favorite colors and his favorite soccer team. He pointed out Puerto Vallarta and Nuevo Vallarta to me on the horizon (we were in Bucerias), and I asked him where Gudalajara was (where they live) which was in the opposite direction.

After awhile, we went back and got our shoes then went back to the disco. Cesar kind of got taken by this girl and was dancing with her, but I got over it. M danced with the asian guy for awhile, and I danced with Oscar until we decided to leave at about 2 a.m.

When we got back to our hotel, M, H, and I went back down to the beach which was all deserted, to go skinny dipping. I was really nuts...the tide was a lot lower than it usually is, so we had to go running across the sand to get to the water, then ended up like crouching there in the low waves. I'm sure it was hilarious, if anyone had been watching.

This morning we just packed and ate breakfast before checking out to go home. What a week! I've seriously left my heart in Mexico. I love everything about it. It seems like everything there is just a little more intense--the sun is brighter, the days are longer, and the people love with a passion and freeness that I want to be a part of my life.

Love, Jennifer