Remember, Remember...

This weekend was a really interesting, really good one.

Friday, it turned out to be a really fantastic sunny day so Brady, Enano, Ed, Britta, and I went to the lake to play around in the water. It was a lot of fun...and kind of funny. I was the only one with a swimsuit, so the guys kind of just stripped to their underwear, and Britta chose to keep her pants on. haha. After that we went to DQ and made a big mess on the table. Later that night I went with M and Grant to the park in the canyon, where we ate about 6 different snack foods that we brought along. We walked down the trail sort of thing to collect this poky flowers for M...As we were all hunched over, wearing blankets, and Grant holding this butterfly net, scraping thorns off plants, I realized how completely crazy we looked. Like woodland hermits. I wished soo badly that we would've had a picture of that. When we got back to M's, we watched "V for Vendetta" which is now one of my favorite movies ever...so good! It was such a crazy day, but one of the best I've had in a long time. Hooray!

Today, I woke up and finished taking pictures of words for my photo project, then decided it was time for another bicycle ride. I took my little red bike all-freaking-over Midway. It was so much fun. About halfway through I realized my cell phone wasn't in my pocket, but I couldn't remember if I'd brought it or not so I wasn't too worried. Then when I got home my mom asked if I lost something...I said yes, probably my cell phone. (I wasn't feeling very bad because I hate that Razr. It sucks. And I have a free upgrade anyway. Oh well.) I guess some guy called from my phone to say he'd found it in the road somewhere, and then he dropped it off at my house. How kind of him! I was impressed. Anyway, that was the adventure today. After I watched P.S. I Love You (good :D ) I went to Michael's wedding reception with my parents, which was really cool and crazy at the same time. He can't get married, that was really not in the plan! Eh, what will you do.

Also, side note, I made this cool shirt by painting on a tan one with bleach! I'm so pleased with myself. haha.

Album of the day: "Adventures In The Underground Journey To The Stars" by South. It was ridiculously perfect for the day.

Love, Jennifer

today is wednesday.

Hello hello hello,

What a crazy week! By crazy I mean fantastic, because I'm basically finished with work for the year, and having a really great time basking in my freedom. I don't have too much to say, except that I'm finally working on "ocean" by John Butler Trio again, and it owns me! It's such a crazy, difficult song, but I love it so much; it's definitely worth it. Seriously, my fingers haven't hurt this much since I first started playing.

Love, Jennifer

ps--if anyone knows where i can get a cheap, (even if old) working video camera, that would be some good information for me. :D

pps--tomorrow is my last Community Lunch of the year, and of high school! ahh!

3 years

So today is a big day. It's my three-year anniversary! Blogging anniversary, that is...haha, it's definitely lasted longer than almost any other relationship I've had. I must say, it's been a fantastic three years. I feel like I've changed a lot and not changed at all. Whatever it's been, at least there's documentation, right?

Today was crazy, for sure. AP English test. Ahh. It was Hard, capital H, but I think I did alright, and I'm glad it's over. I was pretty drained for the rest of the day, but had a good time at M's house with Enano and Cameron watching "Salad Fingers," which is by far the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gNktI3AF4Q&feature=related

After work, I spent like an hour at Besto's trying to learn the drums...it's actually a lot of fun, and I feel like I'm making at least some progress, so that's good. We watched the Office then went for a drive. Hooray. And now I'm sleepy, so goodnight to you all.

Much love, Jennifer :D

rain, rain, rain

It's absolutely wonderful outside. One of those really stormy, rainy days that I love for no reason at all. It's gray, it's hazy, it's powerful, it's beautiful. The rain is pounding against the walls and windows, the thunder is booming, and I could not be happier.

my breakdown.

I was thinking today about what I really do with my life. For today, here's about how it breaks down in hours:

Sleeping: 7/24
Work (including school and homework): 8/24
Eating: 1/24
Exercising: 1/24
Free time: 7/24

Not too bad, I think. Except ideally, it would probably be less free time (although I do some pretty sweet stuff sometimes, haha), and more exercising. No less sleep! And eating is kind of important. And so is school, etc., at least until the end of may! (I didn't work today, but if I did, minus three hours of free time and put it into the work category).

So, what's my point? I don't really know. I think I'm just grateful for where I'm at in my life. I love that I have enough time to sit down and draw, or paint, or play the guitar, or whatever. Note to future Jeb: don't ever lose sight of the really important things! That's all.

Love, Jennifer

Photo Adventures

So today was day one of working on my final project. You know, I decided for this one, I will do it right. Work on it a lot, hard, and get it finished, without freaking out the last two days and spending hours after school. Plus, I have no 3rd or 4th period, so hopefully I'll be able to work during that time. Anyway, here is my adventure...

My project is a concentration of 12 photo montages (photo montage=a bunch of tiny pictures of an object, all put together, in a not-perfect way. they're great.). My subject is doors....wait, it gets better. haha. Each door will be different, and cool, and interesting. And at the bottom of each one will be a word that means opportunity or some synonym of that. I'm excited. I'm not sure if people really get the idea when I explain it to them, but I like it and think it will turn out well.

So I went to Provo today to check out their doors, and they actually had a few cool ones. The first place I went was the city library, which is this huge stone building. The door I really wanted to photograph was at the top of all of these stairs, and there was this homeless guy sitting at the bottom. I didn't really want to go over there, mostly because I had m's really nice, expensive camera. I kind of walked by, and kept walking around the building, but then felt ridiculous for feeling threatened by him for no reason. So once I got around to the front again (and still felt ridiculous), I just walked up to the steps to go up. The homeless guy was like "Who made your top?"
me: what?
h.g: your shirt, who made it?
me: oh, I don't know
h.g: I'm in fashion, and I'm always looking for labels to carry in my stores. What, did you get it at thrift store or something?
me: no, I've just kind of had it forever.

And then I walked up the stairs, shot the door really quickly, and left. haha. moving on.

I got a few other doors, but none that I really fell in love with, until I was driving around on the backstreets. There was this family outside gardening, and I looked at their door......purple with a rounded top! I simply could not pass it up! So I did a u-turn and parked in front of their house and got out with my camera. they were puzzled. I said, "Could I ask you a strange question? I'm in a photography class and doing a project on doors. Can I take some pictures of your door?" The guy had a big bushy beard and his wife was nice and earthy, and they were just kind of like "uh...sure." So I did. And their son (who was skateboarding) was definitely laughing at me. haha. oh well. My favorite door of the day, for sure.

# of comments on my shirt: 2
# of backstreets I drove down: a lot.
# of cute college guys I saw: 1. very cute.
# of cute college guys I talked to: 0. disappointing.
# of doors I actually photographed: 6
# of times I thought about how much I love my blog readers: 5 million.
Albums of the day: "We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank" by Modest Mouse, and
"Origin of Symmetry" by Muse.


Love, Jennifer

PS--I'm kind of involved in this love affair with M's camera. Really.

The end of it.

well....my night got a lot better :) All I can say is....Party at Natomba's, seeing my artwork hanging in her bathroom, tiny little puppies, David Bowie!, and talking about obsessive compulsions. I love weekends.

Love, Jennifer

how it starts out...

Well, here I am. It's the weekend, which I've been waiting for all week, and I'm sitting at home getting to that crazy-bored state.

Not much to say other than I've started working on dreaming again (it takes a ridiculous amount of work, I'm telling you), and also some self-discipline.

That's it. I'm done. I've gotta go somewhere or do something. Blah.

Love, Jennifer

sun moon stars rain

So Prom was last weekend, and I must say, I had a lot of fun. I'm not sure exactly what it was....Garrett was a fantastic, and we had a really fun date, good food, excellent DJ (for once!), lots of dancing....but I've been on a lot of others that had some or all of these things but didn't leave quite the same impression. I think I'm finally figuring out what this whole high school thing is about, which things I want to remember, which things don't matter at all, the memories I want to have, all of that good stuff. It took me 4 years to decide! But I guess what they say about only appreciating what you have when it's gone is probably true. I can feel time ticking away and it kind of makes me nervous sometimes. I am absolutely ready for the next stage of my life, but I've been happy. I've had so many good memories and met so many good people, it's hard to accept the moving on part of it all.

Anyway, there's my little sappy thought for today.


Today was an exciting milestone for me. I actually turned on the AC in my car! The weather was pristine and warm and wonderful. It gave me hope that there is spring after winter and summer after spring.

I had an interesting dream the other night. I dreamt that I fell in love with someone I know, someone who I never would have really thought about like that, but somehow it still made perfect sense in this dream. Absolutely perfect. It wasn't an especially profound dream, but it kind of made me think about life and how unpredictable it is. How sometimes what it serves is absolutely unexpected but can be better than you would've imagined. It makes me think of "sound of settling" by death cab when it says "...all the loves that could've been, if I'd only thought of something charming to say..." That's all.

wow. why do I kept slipping into this sappy, deep thought process? I am annoying even myself. Haha. Better stop.

Love, Jennifer

.

"What will I do without you?" I asked.

"Many things," he said.

San Francisco and my many Adventures!

Post #250! I'm very excited about that. So San Francisco was ridiculously fantastic, and thanks to super long bus rides, here are some notes from my adventures... (sorry about the crappy cell phone pictures....my camera died. sad stuff.)

April 17, 2008 Thursday

Wow, I am so tired! We drove all through the night to get here in a day, and I'm still trying to adjust for that lack of sleep. The bus seats were really uncomfortable and awkward to sleep in--and somehow Morgan and I didn't realize they could recline until the stop right before we got here! As we were driving past the Great Salt Lake, the sun was setting, and I was listening to Sun Kil Moon. It was just one of those amazing moments where everything feels absolutely and perfectly right. What a fantastic way to start the trip!

At around 9:30 we stopped at a rest stop and realized we were right next to the Salt Flats. I was so excited because I've never been there, and also because it's just so impressive.

Lots of gas and bathroom stops later, we got to Sparks, NV at 2:00 a.m. where we got a new bus driver, a non-sleepy one.

Finally at around 6:30 a.m. I woke up to Mr. Reynolds talking about Hooters and his wife (?!), and saw palm trees and a sunrise. California! Warmth! Everyone stopped at Starbucks or Walmart to get breakfast (and brush our teeth in the bathroom haha), then on we went. Again.

The best surprise was how beautiful and lush and green California is! I was expecting smoggy cities, but for a good 2 or 3 hours, we drove through hills and orchards. I absolutely fell in love with it, with California. :)

We stopped at this Methodist church (gorgeous!) where we had a clinic with the publisher of a concert choir song. She was really good--technical and precise.

Lunch today at In-n-Out burger, which was kind of epic in itself. And pretty good food too.

After lunch, another clinic at a college with Robin Williams! No, not really, but this conductor was so exuberant, he definitely resembled him. His style was much different--really intuitive and emotional instead of technical. A nice change, I thought.

We checked into our hotel, then had a couple hours of free time. M and I walked around outside, where the "ocean" (=mud) comes up to the hotel. Chad and Enano had tried to walk out to the water, but sank knee-deep into the mud.

We found a sign that said, "Warning! When flooded, water may contain sewage." It was hilarious, but maybe not for C&E. Ha.

A cozy cupboard at the hotel :)

Tonight we went to this Baritone performance in San Francisco. It's such an amazing city! We were in the University of California-Berkeley district, where there are a million things going on at once. Street performers, food shops, music, everywhere. It was nearly unbearable to sit in a theater full of old people in stuffy clothes while there was so much outside just screaming my name.

We got these crepes from a tiny shop for dinner, and they were fantastic. On the bus ride back to the hotel, I told Mr. Reynolds what happened to Chad, and he couldn't control the laughter. It was a good moment. Chad said he lost all his dignity, but I'm sure he found it at least a little bit funny.

Long day, but amazing. I love it here.


April 18, 2008 Friday

Today was really nice because I didn't have anything to do besides have fun. We went to Pier 39/Fisherman's Wharf, which is kind of like Navy Pier in Chicago, but way better. It's right on the bay, and just to be next to the ocean was fantastic! I love the water. And the smell. And all of it.

Mr. Reynolds in his little kids' "Cars" sunglasses. What a great guy.

We took this cruise around the bay first. At the end of the dock there were tons and tons of seals just lying there, being happy. It was so cool!

We first sailed over to the Golden Gate Bridge, which is really impressive and huge up close. It was so foggy you couldn't even see the top, and kind of cold, but fantastic anyway.


After the bridge we went around Alcatraz. I loved this part so much! It's such a beautiful, creepy place. It looks so abandoned and grown over, I hated that we couldn't actually stop and tour it.



After the cruise, we had like two hours to go on our own and explore the shops on the wharf, get lunch, and go to the aquarium, etc. Hannah, Morgan, Kami, and I went around together and had a really good time in the photo booth! Four people definitely don't fit in a photo booth, but somehow we did.

We met up with the rest of the group to catch the bus to the exploratorium. Except every bus just drove by because there were way too many of us. A hobo lady yelled at us for laughing too loud. Eventually Mr. Reynolds just made us start walking, up all of these huge steep hills. Definitely San Francisco style. I was absolutely in love with the houses there. I could see myself living in this city. Finally a bus picked us up and took us to the Exploratorium. It was a lot of fun--so many cool sciency things there.

Drinking fountain at the Exploratorium....really hard to use!

Chamber Choir and Advanced Ladies were singing at Milpitas High School tonight. The girl announcing everything was the most annoying girl on earth! And kind of incompetent... She kind of sounded like a seductive recording and repeated her speech like four times because she kept getting it wrong.

Eventually I had to go to the bathroom so I tried to follow the signs but just ended up wandering around on the lawn. The awkward kids at the doors noticed and then escorted me to the bathroom, which was kind of (really) awkward. So that was the adventure of the day. Ha.


April 19, 2008 Saturday

Today was so much fun! We went to Great America, which is a theme park kind of like Lagoon. I forgot how much I love rollercoasters! We were there for like eight hours, and spent the entire time on rides.

I got a henna tattoo of a tiny tree! It's so fantastic, probably my favorite souvenir. Haha. Come to think of it, my only souvenirs are this tattoo, a t-shirt that has nothing to do with san francisco, and some chocolate cigarettes. haha.

My henna tree...kind of light, but it got darker. Hooray!

After we left we drove for a few hours to Reno, where we'll spend the night until we leave in the morning for home.

I am absolutely and completely in love with San Francisco. Seriously. I hate to leave.



April 20, 2008 Sunday

Really long busride. Lots and lots of movies. We did start a fund called "Beards for Bells," where the choir is going to donate $100 to the bell fund if Mr. Reynolds doesn't shave his beard for two weeks. He will probably look like a mountain man. A very young mountain man.

I'm excited to get home, and have a real bed to sleep in. :D




And there you have it. My new favorite city, San Francisco.

Love, Jennifer

Off to San Francisco

I miss you already :) See you in a few, blog friends.

Love, Jennifer

Really knowing.

I was thinking yesterday. I had a really good experience with a person. I had completely misjudged her, expected things with she and I to go badly, and then was pleasantly surprised when they didn't. And as I drove home, marveling at this experience, I realized that the reason we can misjudge people like this is because we don't really know them, we don't really know what's important to them, who they are, all that. And if we took the time and effort to truly know the people we know, how much better our lives would be, and how much better the world would be. I can only think of four people that I truly know. How disappointing. I feel like I have to try harder; this is important. Anyway, my thought for today. Have a good one.

Love, Jennifer

"G"

G is for
ivory.
For diamonds,
For money,
For food in the
Starving mouth,
For black and shining oil.
For more, for more, for more.

G is for
Time.
For grasping
The minutes and seconds
In a slippery grip.
For want,
For desperation.
For more, for more, for more.

G is for
You and I.
For the lacquered past,
For the seeping present,
For the dangerous future.
My bread, your water,
Food for these starving lives.
For more. For more. For more.

Does anyone know what it is?

Love, Jennifer

10 places

So I'm definitely stealing this idea from Travis. These are ten of my very favorite (close) places to go when I want to think, or be amazed, or calm, or have a good time, or anything in between. I have a hard time putting them in order though, so these will just be in random order.

• The Duck Pond: I love this place for no reason at all! It's just a pond with some picky ducks, but I never get tired of it. I've made some really important decisions here, and had some really good talks with people. I love going with Hannah. And by myself. And everyone else. When we were younger, T and I used to ride our bikes here on nice spring sundays after church, and eat lunch, or just bask. Good memories here.

• The Grassy Grass Hill: The day I discovered it was kind of a melancholy day, and it was exactly what I needed to cope with the inevitable end of summer that was approaching. It was a fantastic day, really warm, kind of breezy. And there was the hill, like a gift to me. I still go there and sit whenever possible. The three of us belong there.

• The Hot Pots: Alright, they smell horrible, but are a lot of fun anyway. I remember the first time I saw them, with my dad. And having some interesting conversations there with people I hardly knew. Two words: truck tubbing!

• The Hill: It has the most amazing view at night! And during sunsets. I played ninjas here one day, and go to collect my thoughts. And most importantly, the most honest conversation I have ever had with anyone in my entire life (and the moment when i felt most free) took place here. It's so good for Straight Up.

• A certain secret hiking spot: It's ours, and ours alone. It's definitely a rule that no one is allowed to go here but us. Big Foot lives along the trail somewhere, probably. And his cousin Yeti. It's fantastic for taking pictures in the fall. And in the summer, we hike to the (almost?) top, and sit, and talk about life and drugs and marriage. I love it.

• JR Smith: The ultimate summer hangout spot! That intense night of hide-and-seek is filed away in the coveted "favorite summer memories" part of my brain. Britta and I buried our wish pennies in the ground here, for the rest of forever. Running through the midnight sprinklers with Morgan. Swinging :D

• Deer Creek: The "beach," where Brady karate chops a watermelon every time and we write songs, and float around on rafts. All we do is just be together here, and that's why I love it. In winter, it's all iced-over and ready for burning things (haha...) and if you go on a really clear, dark night, it looks like Alaska or something. It's impressive and beautiful.

• Well, I can't name this one: Sorry. We went here last summer to cross off an item on the list. And it was kind of cold, but really freeing. And really fun. Kind of an adrenaline rush. Getting there is half the fun. With the three of us, we told our secrets to each other. And I will never live mine down.

• The Park: Swinging! And pirate day (Tarkshooth?)! Skipping the last period of the day and going here on sunny spring days with Brady and Britta, lying on the grass. Watching people, or traffic, or nothing. It's even good in the winter, although you'll get some weird looks.

• The driving place: It's more of a route. But when I feel especially frustrated, I drive this way. It's perfect on golden fall days around 4:00. I've never gone all the way, but one day I will. By the end, I feel so much better.

Haha, well, by the end of this, I just ended up sort of alluding to memories I've had at these places. But that's okay; it's what I like best about them.

I hope I can get through school for the rest of the year. Suddenly it seems so hard.

Love, Jennifer

Good News

1) The Graduation trip is basically final. And so much more fantastic than I could've imagined.
2) Finished the last of the AP English essays today, and now I am FREE.
3) I love you all.
4) A lot.

Love, Jennifer

prom 'o8

So, as for news in Jennifer's life, today was the great day of answering Garrett for Prom. :)

When he asked me on Friday, there was this huge box on my lawn with my name spray painted all over it, and when I opened it up, there was a slightly smaller box inside. This went on for like 6 boxes. Anyway, in the very last one, a tiny box by comparison, was a paper that said, "Prom?" and "Garrett" on the other side.

To answer him, I kind of needed to find his house, but had no idea where that was. I got Kyle to go with me, since he knows, but when we got there, no one was home to answer the door! I was a little bit worried, but Kyle called Garrett to ask for the house code (so much for secrecy, haha...) and we went inside and left this pillow case over his pillow...



And left this sign with it...

Hooray! So that was my excitement for today. It's no giant bucket of pudding, but hey...

Love, Jennifer

Spring Break!

I am so in love with spring break, and it doesn't even "officially" begin until tomorrow. Last night was one of the best nights I have had in a long, long time! I went bowling with Erin, Britta, Brady, and Enano. And wow, I am not really good at bowling. But we had a really good time anyway making up names (mine: "Love and War" and "Mushu"). We broke the bowling lane like five times, but hey. We had fun.

After bowling, we picked up Randalynn and went geocaching. Google it. It's a lot of fun. We found one by the cemetery in Midway, but couldn't find the one at Memorial Hill (at this point, we tried to steal enano's car, but they drove away), and didn't really want to tromp through the snow to find the one at the grove.

We went to Erin's house (just girls now) and watched "Paris, Je T'aime," which is a little bit odd, but one of my favorite films ever! I was really happy because i think everyone else liked it too.


That's about it, but it was a really really fantastic night.

And p.s.---enano and I are having the ultimate Monopoly night tiebreaker to determine Monopoly Champion this week. We'll let you know; spectators are welcome. Warning: it gets personal and intense. lol.

Love, Jennifer

The Great Adventure

Hello,

So, here I am back at home from State FBLA. Finally. Because I am really behind on homework from being gone but hate doing it, I'm blogging instead. So, FBLA was good, really fun. In case you wanted to hear about the past three days, here it is.

On Monday we left after school for Ogden. We got to our hotel, which is unconveniently like five miles away from the conference center. That kind of sucks. I'm rooming with morgan, jenny, and natalie, which I am really excited about. As we're getting all our stuff situated, Tyler texts me and says that we're still playing the hotel game. (Anytime either of us stay in a hotel, we always have to steal something creative to bring back for the other person.) I tried to look around for stuff in our room, but like almost every hotel room, everything is bolted down. They know about people like me.

Those of us who have to use the computer for presentations have to go over to the conference center to check out the rooms and practice setting up and stuff. the rest of the people take the bus to go find a walmart. M and I practice our presentation; it goes really well. After, we're sitting in the hall and this guy comes up to us. I remember him from other FBLA things; he's a really fantastic (crazy) dancer and really...I don't even know. I just know that I really want to know him. Anyway, he asks us what event we're competing in (Community Service) and it turns out he's in the same. Hmm.

The bus is late picking us up to go back to the hotel, and M and I are getting worried because we want to go swimming really badly before the pool closes at 10:00! We had a ridiculously hard time finding our way back. The bus driver didn't really know, and we were just going off some kid's GPS on his cellphone. We got lost a lot. Eventually we ended up on this forest road going off into nowhere, and had to make a U-turn on the tiniest road ever. Quote of the night: "I see a ravine! I see a ravine!" By the time we wandered our way back to the hotel, it was like 9:55 and we couldn't swim. It was really disappointing. I wanted to have a tub party instead, but that never happened; also disappointing.

That night was uneventful (I'll explain "uneventful" later). Tuesday morning, had to wake up at 6:30 to be on the bus by 7:30. First test was at 10:00 with Jordoun (Banking and Finance, if you'd like to know), and both of us had no idea what any of it was. Completely guessed. At 10:45 was our Community Service presentation. We were ridiculously, ridiculously nervous. But it went really well, and the judges seemed to like it. It was such a relief to have finished it. After was the Banking and Finance performance part, which Jordoun and I actually felt good about despite having no idea what we were doing. After, M and i walked around so I could take pictures for my photo assignment. We were standing on the sidewalk, me trying to take pictures of this building's side, and some guy walks up and starts examining M! I kind of freaked out...turns out he was looking at her little badge thing. So then he just stands there and talks to us, telling us the history of Ogden. So strange.

After pictures, we went back inside the conference center, but still had like two hours to wait until our next test. We found this tiny little couch in the lobby, and both laid opposite ways on it, and set the alarm on my phone so we could take a nap. I'm sure it was really funny looking, considering that we had on matching suits because of the presentation. I could hear all these people walking by, and mostly all the girls had disapproving comments. The guys were funny though...many laughed, one said, "I've been trying to find somewhere to do that for two hours!" I felt much better after sleeping for like an hour.

After the nap, Business Communication test, then back to the hotel to (hooray!) change clothes. Felt so good to be out of heels. :D Tyler gave me my stolen hotel gifts. The first was a fake flower from the conference center, and the second I will never be able to top. He somehow got the little spyhole from the door! It's like having a mini pirate spyglass. It's so fantastic I can't even believe it. We met up with Hannah and the rest of the chapter, and drove to Olive Garden for dinner, where I ate a lot of food. After that, Morgan, Hannah, Besto, Michael, Natalie, and I went to the dance at the conf. center while the rest of the chapter went back to the hotel. Saw that coming. The dance was kind of disappointing. I don't know, it just lacked something it usually has. I tried to find the crazy dancing rival kid, but strangely enough, he was not even into it like usual, so didn't really get to dance with him. That was extra disappointing. I started to feel soooo sick because it was so hot in there, and I was dancing, and really full of food. Sick.

When we got back to the hotel, I just wanted to drink lots of water and sleep, so I did. In the morning Natalie told me the bad news. I have this horrible way of being a jerk after I fall asleep if I wake up for any reason. She said she had gotten out of the shower (I'd been asleep), and as soon as she walked out, I sat up really quickly in the bed and demanded, "WHAT!?" which she believed could have been "SLUT!" She was really freaked out and just stared at me for like thirty seconds, and said, "What?" and basically that was the end of the exchange. And I just seemed like a really big jerk. This has happened before. And all I can say is "WHAT!?" in the meanest way you could imagine. I feel pretty bad. Anyway...

This morning (Wednesday) I had two more tests, then nothing. We caught a shuttle back to the hotel to pack so we could check out by 11:00. After checking out, back to the conference center, where I gave Tyler his gifts. The first was some fake leaves off of a plant in the lobby that look exactly like pot leaves. ha. The second, a spring out of the couch in our hotel room.

We had a couple hours till the awards ceremony, and had M's laptop, so morgan, natalie, besto, michael and I found this empty stairwell, and plugged in the laptop to watch "Watership Down." It's possibly the most horrible cartoon ever. So sad. It was kind of just a funny situation.


At the awards ceremony, Morgan and I were kind of disappointed that we got 6th with our project, but she was still happy because our rival (dancing kid) was in 7th place. She really did not like him at all.

Then we got on the bus to go home. I felt so sad. I'd never see my rival again, and never even got to know him, which is what I wanted anyway. And this was my last FBLA event ever. It kind of sucked. But I've had some good times, so I suppose it all works out okay anyway.

Tired, but glad to be home. Bored with this post yet? It was kind of long and pointless.

Love, Jennifer

make-over and goodbye

Woohoo blog makeover! i thought the contrast was fine with the text and everything, but someone else thought it isn't. What do you think? See you Wednesday...ish.

Love, Jennifer

ps--I posted a new blog, but it has been a draft for a few days, and got posted for March 24, the day I began it.

Bad Skin Day?

So. I've kind of reached the conclusion that no one reads this blog anymore. At least anyone I know. And that could be a good thing I suppose; sometimes it's just nice to send my thoughts out into the big nothingness that is the internet.

Lately my quest for lucid dreaming has come to a halt. Absolutely no progress. It could be because it's all connected, my "real" life, my emotions, and the dreams. And lately there's been a bump in my life, a shift in the nice order of how things were going, and perhaps my dreams are responding to that. I don't know. It's all just a bunch of frustration at the moment. Real life more than dreaming.

I feel like i'm stuck lately. When I try to behave one way, nothing is solved, nothing changes. And if I change that at all, let my emotions slip, show my helplessness and frustration, it's worse. So much worse. It's pushed further in the opposite direction. I feel like there's nothing I can do, and the one way I used to have to solve things is inaccessible. Am I complaining too much? Probably. But what else can I do? I have no jars to smash.

I swear, no more complaining after this blog. This is all I will say to those I need to say things to.


I wish I were still an important part of your life.

I am happy for you but wish we still had what we did before. It's strangely important to me.

I wish you would all understand that I am only who I am.

I wish you would've given me the chance, but that doesn't matter anymore. What I wish now is that I would see you once in awhile, and we would talk.


That's all; really it is.

Love, Jennifer

...

I feel like an idiot. Sometimes I get these thoughts in my head, just give myself over to being an idealist and then....ah. I come to my senses. Realize that I've been so stupid, so naive. It's the worst. And disappointing. So stupid.

Jeopardy

So, I love watching Jeopardy. And this is kind of funny, because at the same time it's the most annoying game in the world. But still... there's something really gratifying about watching a contestant's pure happiness at answering the most obscure trivia questions. Some of us are good at art, some are good at math, some at mechanical stuff, and then some are just good at knowing everything there is to know. These are the jeopardy contestants.

One of my favorite moments is when a contestant chooses a "daily double" square. The look that follows is something like, "Oh, my. Well this is very pleasing and fortunate," which is also a description of the look every time they answer a question correctly. --Those are the likeable contestants (likeable in a mockable way). We as viewers are impartial towards these contestants because although they know much more useless information than we do, they do not flaunt it. They know they are smart, but have the humility to pretend that they are slightly surprised when it comes through.

There are also the contestants that you immediately hate, because 1)they are very proud of themselves for simply being on jeopardy while you are merely on the couch at home, 2)they smirk, yes, smirk when answering correctly, as if they always get every answer right, and 3)they always get the answer right.

Sometimes there are awkward moments on jeopardy when a particularly tough question comes up and no one answers. Alex feels uncomfortable, the contestants feel uncomfortable, I feel uncomfortable, and so does the rest of America. I think Alex is annoyed, and the contestants' self-esteem drops at least 500 points, whereupon they must move decisively in the following questions to make up for such an error. The likeable contestants just press on with earnest effort, whereas the humiliating situation of not knowing who forgot to leave property taxes in his will causes the hated contestants to monopolize the board (even more if possible) in order to assert that they are, once again, the Ruler of the Universe. In return, America hates them even more, yet strangely reveres them in a whole new way once they win the whole game and know lots more stuff than we do.

An interesting fact about jeopardy is that Alex really doesn't care about the answering in the form of a question rule (he simply reminds them to rephrase their answer if necessary), whereas my brother Dan will heatedly point out that although I knew the answer a full three minutes before he did, I did not phrase it in the form of a question and should therefore be sent back to second grade.

I hate (love) jeopardy.

Love, Jennifer

dreams and bombs

Update on dreaming: This is good. Really good.

I had a mostly lucid dream. I've realized that just when I'm waking up, my mind speeds up and plays little clips from all of the dreams I've had. It's like rushing through a movie tunnel or something. It's at this moment that I realize they were all dreams and I realize I'm about to wake up. Well, today, I was rushing through the tunnel, and I thought, stop. And everything just stopped moving and settled on one dream. And I totally went back into that dream and did so lucidly. I had to try very hard to hold onto everything; I knew I was waking up.

Sweet! But I must say, it was far less vivid than a normal dream, and felt kind of forced, but that could be because it was an exit-dream (from the tunnel), or also it could just be because i'm not good at dreaming lucidly yet. And also it lasted for maybe fifteen seconds before my mind gave up and I woke up.

But still, I'm really happy about that.

In other strange news, there was a bomb threat today, and the entire school district evacuated every school. There were fire engines, Hazmat trucks, news choppers, SWAT choppers, all of it. It was surreal. I felt very strange thinking about what it would actually be like if I were in a building and a bomb went off. What kind of instincts kick in in that moment? What do you even think about? Anyway, luckily nothing happened, and as of yet, I haven't heard that they found anything anywhere. Looks like I'll still have to go to school tomorrow. But looks like we're all safe, so I suppose that's much better anyway.

Love, Jennifer

It's Okay

Slightly more upbeat? Thanks for being really great, blog readers. I'll post when I get back from the conference. :)


Letter to Self.
March 9, 2008

Dear Jennifer,

It's okay that you don't have a boyfriend. Really. It's okay that you don't have perfect skin or a perfect body. It's okay that you don't have the perfect job. It's also okay that you're not a pro at Chemistry and yes, that you are the only senior in the class. It's okay that you like to do things to shock people. It's okay, even necessary, to buy yourself gifts every now and then for no reason. It's okay to feel proud of your creativity.

It's okay to feel jealous when your friends choose others over you. It's okay to be worried about college. And marriage. It's okay, sometimes, to walk forward into the dark without a definite plan. It's okay to take chances. And it is even okay to be alone, to feel alone. It is okay to ask questions, my friend. That is how you'll get the answers.

Love, Me.

Stuff White People Like

alright, I'm in love with this. I wish I would've thought of it myself...

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

And it's so true...hahaha.

Love, Jennifer

When you know you're dreaming...

So my little goal lately has been to become a lucid dreamer. So lucid is:

1.	easily understood; completely intelligible or comprehensible: a lucid explanation.

2.	characterized by clear perception or understanding; rational or sane: a lucid moment in his madness.

3.	shining or bright.

4.	clear; pellucid; transparent.

....and so, lucid dreaming is simply the state of being completely aware in dreams. Knowing that you are dreaming while you are dreaming. The idea is that once you become aware, you can make your dreams go in whichever direction you'd like. It's kind of this ultimate freedom thing.

I remember learning about this a few years ago, and really wanting to and trying, but it never really happened. And here I am again. My plan is this: several times a day, simply ask myself if I am dreaming. I kind of feel like a crazy person when I do this, but it's about all I can go with. So far it hasn't really been working too well. I forget to ask myself during the day, and definitely when I dream. I've been waking up remembering that I'm supposed to have asked myself and forgot. Kind of disappointing.

This afternoon, after my lovely day of being a Ring Ceremony Food Guru (haha!), I came home and took a good nap. I can't remember really what I dreamt of, but I woke up and had this strange feeling. I realized that I didn't actually get to ask myself if I was dreaming, but the question had been there, just kind of in the murky shadows on the edges of consciousness. The vague impression of the question was floating around. I couldn't actually think of it through the haze, but the question was there, somewhere as I dreamt. I'm really excited about this development. I'm that much closer, you know?

Love, Jennifer

PS--- Love, love, LOVE August Rush.

A post-it for the world...

(To be placed on the earth)

I'm not sure it's big enough. In size anyway. In concept, however...







That's all for today.

Love, Jennifer

Weird Things I Love

(all true)

• The smell of playdough. And playing with it.
• Dying in dreams. (I'm not crazy and suicidal, they are just the most interesting)
• The smell of chlorine on skin.
• Cilantro. In pretty much everything.
• Squishing the avocado out of its skin.
• White towels that smell nice and bleachy when they're hot and wet.
  
• Driving through fog.
• The smell of the darkroom.
• Waking up early on your own, then getting to sleep for another hour before you actually have to get up. Love that.
• Collecting plants.
• (This is a really good one.) There's a certain stoplight, where if you're at it at just the right time of day, and the sky is really clear and turquoise-blue, the red of the light against the blue of the sky is insanely beautiful. Insanely.
• The smell of the air coming out of the laundry vent thing outside. (shared with M)
• Leaving wet footprints on the sidewalk.

That's all for now. (I'm sure there are like five thousand more)

Love, Jennifer

A lesson in friendship.

Currently listening to: Yesterday's Feelings by The Used
Currently feeling: much better than I have, and kind of accomplished.
Currently craving: summer, or just a bunch of sunny days.


Hello everyone,


I was thinking yesterday about what it means to be a true friend. And whether or not I fall into that category; whether I'm a good friend. The very best ones, the ones that you can always count on, care about you more than they care about themself. They are completely unselfish and happy for you when good things come to you. They are not jealous, ever. Period. If I had to admit one weakness of mine, it might be jealousy, as much as I hate to admit that.

So there I was at work, where I start to feel just a little bit crazy and un-myself after eight hours anyway, and i get a text from M, who is one of the few people I trust everything with, who loves me no matter what, and who I completely don't deserve sometimes. And she tells me that she just got a scholarship that covers all of her tuition, books, living, and fees. All of it. And we're going to the same college. And rooming together.

It was a feeling kind of like being punched in the sternum, breathless. Almost disbelief. Then in that moment where I realize that's she's serious, that this is all completely true, there it is. The jealousy. The indescribable, maddening jealousy. And at exactly the same time I feel horrible, terrible because my first thought was not to be happy for her, it was to wish it were me. And i know exactly how I should have reacted, but I didn't. What does that say?

I composed myself, and thought about all of this, about what kind of person I wanted to be. And as badly as I need a scholarship like that, and for as long as I've been hoping for it, I know all I can do is be happy for her. There is still the possibility that I might get something like that, but in that moment i decided that whether I do, or whether I don't, it must make no difference whatsoever. She is one of my best friends in the entire world, and I love her more than anything. I have to act like it.

I'm still waiting for my own verdict, but as of now, I feel a kind of peace about the whole thing. A scholarship would mean more than you can possibly imagine, but even if I get nothing at all, I've learned a lesson more valuable than any monetary amount. I learned about selflessness, about what I'm made of, and just what friendship truly is, in both the hard times and the easy.

Love, Jennifer

ps-- M, if or when you read this, I do love you with every bit of my heart, completely, truly, absolutely. Tu es ma une et seule. Thanks for all of it.

Poetry Wednesday

To everyone who's ever been left by anyone.


My Hope Is But A Lightswitch

I do not mind the cold
I do not mind the cold
I'm glad it makes us closer,
If perfect truth be told.

A massive melted snow-lake
Rejects the bottle-boat.
My laughter is a lightswitch
And yours a lonely moat.

If I had held your interest,
I would have told you then,
"I'm happy to be with you."
We just watched lightrays bend.

As you handed off the jacket,
And slipped into her car
I was then retracting
Into a fissured calm.

My hope is but a lightswitch
Expectations just a sleeve.
In the moment you were leaving
I knew you'd always leave.


Copyright
Jennifer North

Vague Fruit Flavors

What is this, you ask? Well, my friend, these are the lovely Tic Tac Bold. And the flavor? Fruit. That's right, the subject of this blog is vague fruit flavors and how utterly crazy they seem to me. Although it does seem to make some sense. When I eat these tic tacs, I think, what do these taste like? And the only answer is "fruit." My only problem is, why not give things real flavors? Real flavor tastes, and real names. If you simply look around, vague fruit flavors are all around us.

Nothing beats "fruit" in vagueness, but some more of my favorites are "berry" and the slightly less vague, but vague nonetheless, "wild berry." Oh, wild berries? Which ones?

Maybe I just have a need for solid names in my life for the things I eat. I don't know. Whatever my issues are, I still get a really good amount of amusement out of vague fruit flavors.

Love, Jennifer

Do I sound really bitter about this? I'm not. Just out of blog ideas. ha.

summer memories

I have these strange parts of winter that I've fallen in love with, and it does have its charm. But this winter is an intense one--and will be long. Hannah and I think, anyway. So, as a little bit of relief from its cold grasp, here are some of my very favorite, heart-warming summer memories.

• Playing around at JR Smith. I love all of those memories, but one especially. It was a really nice dark night, and we were all just hanging out on the playground. The sprinklers came on on the lawn and Morgan and I decided to run out through them. We just ran back and forth, trying to miss getting hit, and the whole time the water was making these wonderful glowy, misty halos all over. It was fantastic. Summer perfection.

• I was sitting up on the hill one day, watching the sun set. And I happened to text Tyler randomly and he ended up coming up with me. We played ninjas. And that was it. We whacked things with sticks and busted out moves. It was crazy, but it was so much fun.

• I'm not exactly sure if this was summer, but I'm pretty sure it was. Morgan and I had bike day where we rode our bikes all over Heber to go visit everyone we knew. After visiting Jake and Lurpe and Britta as they installed a stereo in lurpe's car, we ended up at Brady's house where he and Mike held us prisoner for awhile. It was a good day.

• Skinnydipping in Deer Creek with Hannah. We snuck out of my house and left dummies in our sleeping bags. It was such a beautiful, starry night.

• Truck tubbing with Hannah and Kyle! It was so ridiculous, but so so much fun. We probably nearly died, and as we went through the drive-through at Dairy Keen, Colin, who I had this big crush on, saw us. But I kind of didn't care. I need to do this again this summer.

• My date with Michaelface. He took me to breakfast at Sonic where everyone, and I mean everyone was dressed just like the person they were with. It was so bizarre. Then we walked around the classic car show in the park, then later that day met up with Randi and Tyler and had a picnic with them at the duck pond. After they left, we went to Mike's house and got some tools. Then we found a really secret spot, ha ha, and buried some wishes and other things. We promised to return in exactly one year to unbury them, and we will. After that, we got pennies and went all over to bodies of water and tossed them in for wishes. It was really magical.

• Farmer's Markets every Thursday. Talking to the plant lady with Derek. Listening to the bands. Hulahooping. Buying smoothies from Jake or Enano. Walking across the street to Dairy Keen. Just being together.

• This night on the hill with Brady. We talked for a really, really, really long time. I definitely missed curfew and blamed it on falling asleep at Randi's house. I am such a liar. I told him all my secrets, all of them.

• Bonfires at Randi's and Britta's houses. Michael with a rake or something, hitting kids? I don't even know anymore. Just sitting around the fire talking and roasting marshmallows. Having roasting contests.

• Creating B&T. We are probably some of the coolest people ever. And we always go to Borders and Jamba Juice. We live in West Boon and our headquarters is an abandoned pizza hut. Our rivals are white and jean scene. We are way overdue for B&T day, by the way.

• Sleeping on the trampoline. I could do it alone (yay, this doesn't scare me anymore!), or with people, and I absolutely love it. There was one particular night, the very last night of summer after sophomore year with Hannah, that will be burned into my mind forever as the epitome of summer nights.

• This one day at Lurpe's house, outside in his backyard as the sun was setting. I hadn't seen him for awhile, and he had just gotten back from soccer camp. The field behind his house was all golden and wavy. The mountains were bathed in sunlight and we talked about living as hermits in the mountains, visiting each other with gifts and sending light signals across the valley. I will remember the feel of the cool grass and the shadows. I still feel a little sad or melancholy or something thinking of this. It was my favorite memory with him.

• The strange things I would do at night when I couldn't sleep. Once I made these really gross sugar cookies at one a.m. Tyler was so wonderful, and kept texting me the whole time. Once I danced around the backyard and on the trampoline with a sparkler. The moon was HUGE. And then one quiet, shadowy night, I sat on the trampoline in perfect silence, sketching the shadows and moonlight in the dark. I miss that so much.

• And this, perhaps the simplest, but probably the most profound. It absorbed every one of my senses and it happened over and over. Driving around as the sun sets, in my car, with Hannah, our hands out the window, the smells of summer and cut grass, golden, orange colors, warm air, music. That is summer.

Love, Jennifer

libra

Dear Blog Friends,

As I am a fanatic mystic, this is the kind of stuff I live for. Ha. But actually, I kind of believe it because it's pretty dang correct. Anyway, enjoy. (www.astrology-online.com)

Libra! About Your Sign...

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.

Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.

In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.

The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.

In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-disciple and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes.

Possible Health Concerns...

Libra governs the lumbar region, lower back and kidneys. Its subjects must beware of weaknesses in the back, and lumbago, and they are susceptible to troubles in the kidneys and bladder, especially gravel and stone. They need to avoid overindulgence in food and especially drink, for the latter can particularly harm the kidneys.

LIKES
• The finer things in life
• Sharing
• conviviality
• Gentleness

DISLIKES
• Violence
• Injustice
• Brutishness
• Being a slave to fashion

Love, Jennifer

hello.

So I haven't really blogged for awhile, and yet again, not much to say. But I do love you all a lot and wanted to stop by. Haha. As if I don't see you everyday. But still. I will say this. What will your life be about? Is it deadlines and achievements and success? Because I'm realizing those are not life, they are just side effects of living. Just go do something you really, really want to, because what else do you have?

Love, Jennifer

dear friend

By the way, I have no idea who this is, but I have a random fan from the great lakes region who always shows up on my visitor map. Welcome Great Lakes Friend!

Mis Pantalones!

Herlo, Od Pepson!

So I got some really cool, but really intimidating news this morning. I awoke to the sound of multiple doorbells, otherwise known as Hannah texting me a long text. Apparently there are still swimming type of people who wake up before ten thirty, unlike me. Anyway, she told me that if I want to, I can become nationally certified in cueing sometime close to this summer. And THAT means that I'd be able to get a freaking awesome, really good paying job for college. Do I want that? yes. very much so. But then I thought about it, how I'm not actually all that great at cueing. Actually, how I'm really quite bad at it.

This is all part of that weirdo thing that goes on in my mind every so often, mostly when I get out of my comfort zone at all, or when I try anything new, or change anything, or realize that I have a lot of work ahead of me. It's the "give up now!" voice. I hate that thing. But then I thought about it more. And I thought about how the only things I've ever regretted have been things that I did not do. The times when I was too afraid to try something, those have been the ones I really wish I would have. The worst I can do is fail at something, right? So "brand new resolve" Jennifer showed up and I decided to go for it. A whole bunch of work? Oh, definitely. But I will never be able to regret not trying.

So there's my inspirational moment for the weekend. It was a good one, by the way. Thursday night I went to the pasta party at Creighton's house, and remembered how much fun those things used to be. Friday night, I hung out with Morgan and Brady doing silly, useless things which actually turned out to be entertaining in their own way. And Saturday, I went to my dear friend Natalie's house for a birthday fiesta, which was a lot of fun. AND, I got to watch three movies (two of them new!) and read half a book. AND I got two new CDs, both of which I like a lot, although I must admit, Sufjan Stevens gets the award for quirkiness. It was a good weekend for media. Ha ha.

Love, Jennifer

Don't you love fresh starts?

bits of my year

So, I thought I'd start this new blogging year (and finish up the old one) by providing you, my faithful readers, with a little peek into the world of my paper journal. That's right. The one where I write all my wildest, deepest thoughts and dreams. Haha. So here they are, a few little tidbits from different points throughout 2007 that I feel like sum up the year quite well. Hoorah.

2007, The Year I Learned It All. Ha.

January 3: "Scared out of (my) mind..."

January 14: "It was the most satisfying smash of my life."

January 27: "I've been blind in a lot of ways."

January 28: "...for the tiniest moment, I remembered what it was like to love him."

January 31: "My defenses are down."


February 4: "I thought to myself that I never wanted to be apart from these people."

February 27: "I can only say that life has a way of being exquisitely painful."


March 1: "...some days, when life seems especially ugly, it's nice to know someone remembers your name."

March 11: "...but in my mind, I just thought, I'm sorry I'm such an idiot."

March 12: "I thought about cornflakes."

March 24: "...surprising myself by feeling like it meant nothing."


April 1: "I couldn't believe I told him."

April 17: "I just really hope she'll be okay."

April 22: "It always seems like all these life events are thrust on me at once."

April 25: "He changed so much."


May 17: "I thought about it then, how easy it is for me to talk to her, and I felt so happy that I have her as a friend."

May 28: "...I have my fingers crossed."

May 29: "Well, it was a flaming failure."


June 3: "I sure hope he didn't look down."

June 5: "...I hate that I did that."

June 24: "That was definitely not meant for me."

June 27: "I'm in love with Chicago!"


July 14: "I still really care what he thinks of me."


August 12: "...how self-destructive..."

August 15: "What does (he) think he's doing?"


September 9: "The suspense is killing me!"

September 17: "I met the elusive Kenneth last night."

September 30: "I've seen (him) as a person. And that's it."


October 2: "It's not magic."


November 9: "What is going on here?"

November 13: "What a mystery love is."

November 24: "What would they think? They have no idea."

November 29: "Anyway, there it is. My future."


December 18: "My brain just feels all over the place."

December 21: "She knows all about (it) and all."

December 30: "My face has been pretty puffy..."

December 31: "Eat more vegetables!"


Happy New Year!

Much Love, Jennifer

"Without even a head to comfort him..."

Blog family! I feel like i haven't blogged in 200 years....but really more like 12 or so days.

To start with, a quick rundown:
Movies you should see:
I Am Legend (Will Smith, very good)
The Painted Veil (Edward Norton, pretty dang good)

Also, Christmas was awesome! I had a really good holiday this year, even though poor Michelle Pickleface wasn't here... it was still very nice, plus my brother and Erin were in Utah this year, so that was an excellent bonus. Working with the peace house provided some really cool opportunities that I wouldn't have had otherwise, for which i am really grateful. presents rock, but so does kindness, right?

There is a small (big) project underway, and i need everyone's help! If you have any pictures from our years in high school together, you should definitely try to get them to me! i can borrow printed, old-school kinds which i will return, you can email them to me, or perhaps most convenient of all, post them on your blog and i will simply steal them with pleasure! this would be really helpful and in the end it will turn out really cool. gracias.

I got my wisdom teeth out today! It was kind of nerve-wracking, i must say--the wait at least. I had to make myself unclench my fists on the ride to PC. in hindsight, i'm not actually sure what i was nervous about. but still. they numbed my arm a bit, then put the iv in. (not nearly as big as my last encounter with a needle!) i got a nice oxygen mask, and while i was trying to tell if i could recognize any difference between pure oxygen and the air we breathe, lots of people walked in, and commented on things such as my christmas ("it was really good, yeah."), my straight, nice teeth (oh, haha, those. well thanks), and finally those "sweet babies" which turned out to be my wisdom teeth. i guess some are more fond of them than others. who knows? anyway, i was concentrating on determining the exact point when the anesthesia kicked in, and the next thing I know, the nurse and my mother are trying to wake me up. what a strange experience...my mom asked why i was staring at her like that, but her image kept floating off of the plane of her body. after a few minutes, i felt less woozy, although still wobbly, and we started to make our way to the car. morgan and her mom were in the waiting room (i realized this when she started laughing), so i stopped to "talk" or whatever would come next, but I had no rational words to say or any comments for her. i just felt really, really out of it. apparently there was gauze in my mouth, which was completely numb, but when Morgan asked, all I could say was "I don't know," and then make my way on. After I got home, i slept for awhile, then ate a little bit of pudding stuff which watching the office. and then...... hannah came over! i was very excited about this, she being the only one out of a few people who actually came to see me like they said. not that i'm bitter. lol.

anyway, that's about how my break has gone so far. see you all soon, i'm sure.

Love, Jennifer

musings on the english world

So, AP English. It's kind of dramatic to me. Haha. But seriously.

It's been a weird process this year. I've totally realized that most of all the things we "learned" in previous English classes basically suck and aren't applicable anymore. And that those classes were ridiculously easy, even when they seemed hard. About 55% of the time now, I leave class realizing I'm not so good as I thought I was, and that sucks. It's pretty depressing, actually.

Like the essay I wrote on Cold Mountain, where I totally thought I covered my bases very well and explained my points logically and intelligently, and generally just did a really good job. But then I get it back and I got a 5 out of 9. Yeah, that's an F. But the strange thing is, I'm getting used to it, and as opposed to the past, where this kind of thing would just infuriate me and I'd stop being open minded about criticism, I can take it now. So instead of freaking out and giving up, I took it and rewrote it today, and at least it's better. I don't know if it's right, but it's better. And in the past? Yeah, no drafts at all. Went straight from idea in my head to finished paper. Now I rewrite my papers and elaborate my ideas until they're good.

This all sounds kind of superfluous and pointless, but it's really not. I've finally been broken down and torn off my throne of good writing. I'm not naturally a perfect writer, surprise! I have to work at it, which I now realize. The thing is, I can actually learn something now. And that's really exciting to me; maybe that makes me a nerd, but I don't really care! Finally I feel like I'm not leaving high school empty-handed. I have to actually think in this class, and we've had the best discussions of my three years at Wasatch. It's not just about English, it's about universal ideas and feelings and all sorts of good stuff. I started out thinking I would hate everything expected of me, but at this point I'm so, so glad I can't get away with average. It's really nice. Hard, challenging, but nice.

Love, Jennifer

I can't believe I wrote all this on English. Haha. Lame. Oh well.

Three French Hens

Well! It's December and snowy and getting so close to Christmas! I love it. Today I spent the morning doing sub for santa/holiday helpers gift buying and wrapping...it was kind of an odyssey. I was designated as Park City shopper, so a sophomore named Tyler and I perused our way around buying gifts for about eight people. It was kind of an intense shopping trip...a lot of stuff to buy in a pretty short amount of time. And it's probably the most I've ever spent at one store at once. Like $600. It was crazy, and a lot of fun actually.

We got back to Heber and finished wrapping everything with the help of everyone. And then there was pizza and much joy and happiness. So it was nice. And things like this are what I really, actually like about Christmas. Not having a pile of stuff on Christmas morning. It's the really good feeling you get because no matter who you are, Christmas is a time of loving people and being the best people we can to everyone. And just generally feeling good most of the time.

Love, Jennifer

PS--Never try to get any information out of Travis! All you'll get is some cryptic clues that make you think of towels.

Happy First Snowfall

Love, Jennifer

Saturday Night Poem Time

This one's something like a riddle. :)


It is lovely, lacking, sparing,
Stark and clear and flatly bound,
Once gave pause and cause to think
If existence has a sound.

Once an arm and fist of green,
Once a sentinel of old,
Once an eye that saw it all,
For now a silent world I hold.

I'm to place my thoughts and words
On this tiny, wary screen?
On this wise and thoughtful soul;
On this living, breathing thing?

I think I lack the aptitude
And confidence of what is mine
To scribble on this piece of earth,
To write upon the bones of time.

And so I'll leave it blank, or yet,
I'll leave it as it always was,
To sit and without speaking it,
To testify there's more than us.


Love, Jennifer

So far, so far, so far...

So, Brady has discovered my blog, which is all at once awesome and kind of funny and worrying because there's so much stuff on here. Lol. Oh well, it's good.

It's almost December, which is AWESOME because Christmas is coming! I'm very excited because there is really no better feeling than waking up to new snow (hopefully, right?) and being warm and happy with your family on Christmas morning. I love that. And also Thanksgiving is this week, which is a smaller dose of the same feeling, plus lots and lots of good food, which is always a good thing for me. So I'm excited; plus we have breaks for both of these holidays. And I am never opposed to sleeping in. :)

This weekend was kind of ridiculously busy, but still a lot of fun. On Thursday I helped with Reality Town all day, which sucked but oh well. That afternoon we left for Fall Leadership Conf. for FBLA in Provo. Session that night, then a dance. I met this really nice kid from Morgan, although I forget his name, but still. And I had possibly the most fun ever dancing. I danced like a crazy person with this really nerdy, really attractive guy to an O-Zone song, and that was possibly the highlight of the whole thing. Friday morning Morgan and I left early and drove (successfully!) to the University of Utah.

We spent all of Friday touring the campus and housing and checking everything out. Then that night we met our host, whose name was Madeline and spent the rest of the night with her and everyone who lived on her dorm floor. It was freaking awesome, no lie. It made me sooooooo (x 100) excited for college. We even sort of played straight up. I loved it.

Saturday we drove home and took a nap (we were up until 3 a.m.), then got ready for our Sadie Hawkins date, which I might add was kind of monumental. I took Diogo, and our group went to eat at Guru's, then played Laser Tag (always a favorite), then went back to Kami's to get ready. After we were all ready--Diogo and I dressed as the fifties, and he looked awesome--we went to the dance, which was kind of lame, and got pictures. After all that, and after the dance ended, we went to Morgan's house and had ice cream. We discussed People magazine's sexiest man alive edition, which was a surprisingly good conversation, then talked about movies until like 12:30. It was a really fun day/weekend.

And that's about all the update I can muster. I've missed you, bloggers. :D

Love, Jennifer

Pop Rocks and Conflict

Dear Blog Family/World/Internet,

Today I was thinking about, well, a lot of things and about all the categories people fit into in high school. Such as, the one who for whatever reason, just has a really exceptional high school experience, and every moment for them is a yearbook moment. Or there's the one who completely hates it for no other reason than the fact that they just hate it. And there are a hundred other little categories that fall in between those, one of which I fit into. And mine isn't necessarily good, although it has been good, and not necessarily bad, although it has been that as well.

In psychology we talked about some stages of "finding" yourself, or whatever you'd like to call it, figuring out your world or whatever. He told us about the "crisis" stage, which isn't as negative as it sounds, where you're trying everything and testing and exploring everything trying to find what fits you. You've made no decisions but you're trying. And I realized in this one strange, crystallized moment that I've been in this 'crisis' stage for like two years. And I'm completely serious. I kind of feel like the cliche picture of a conflicted high schooler. I'm insanely frustrated, at nothing at all! Sometimes I get what I'm looking for, but often I do not, which is a source of confusion to me. The things I'm trying to find are not bad, or unworthy, just somehow out of reach... which has led to a lot of thought about the whole thing, whether they are things that will never be available or if I'm just supposed to sit it out and wait. It's very troubling. Lol. Because honestly, I don't know how much there is out there if the simplest things I'm looking for are never to be found.

Love, Jennifer

ps- I was a really fantastic tiger for Halloween! And I had to scream whenever anyone touched me at dinner. That was interesting. Lol. I'll post pictures later when I'm not lazy.

Oh. also, pop rocks=fizzy throat feeling. hahaha.

((()))---^--------|

Alright, just to begin with, I'm really really excited because tonight is Kami's (sort of, not really) annual Halloween party. And I'm really excited to wear my costume, because it is just plain ridiculous. This is one of those times when it pays to be a small person. I'll have to post some pictures or something later. lol.

It's been really nice not having school... yesterday I had lunch with Britta and Erin. We had a pretty good conversation about everything on earth. And of course, we ended up talking about the upcoming graduation of us seniors and whatnot, so I left feeling weird, like I always do after talking about this stuff. And I turn on my car, and the one fateful line that I hear is "I can't wait to go gray." Oh, Death Cab. Do you have to be so unnaturally wise?

Love, Jennifer

It's Good To Be In Love

I haven't blogged forever, so I guess everyone now has the right to call me a slacker. It was bound to happen. lol.

Anyway, nothing super important to write about, except this one little moment that made me think, "wow, i should blog about that."

We were at Enano's house about to watch 1408, and I was listening to this song on Morgan's iPod. It's called "It's Good To Be In Love" by Frou Frou. And it's just one of those songs that the first time I heard it, I instantly fell in love with. So anyway, I can't hear anything but this song, and it's AMAZING--one of those songs that makes you insanely glad to be alive and exactly where you are. And I look in the little piano room, and Enano's in the background with this huge smile, playing guitar, Hannah and Travis are in the doorway holding hands, and Morgan's just facing them, talking to them. And it was such an ordinary situation, but set to this song, it was like....art. I seriously could not look away. In my gallery of mental snapshots, this one is in a gold frame. Not because it was special or different in any way, but because it is the closest I've ever come to putting my finger on the simple, unconditional, good-freaking-times that follow us everywhere.

I thought about the last, like, four years and how many moments exactly like this we'd had. And how I've loved every one of them. Even the "boring" times when we did nothing at all, sometimes those were the best. And how maybe we'll have to be leaving this stuff soon... such a weird, melancholy, bittersweet feeling. In that moment, I realized how good it is to be exactly where I was, even if not forever. It's good to be in love. I do know that the day I move out, or on, or whatever it may be, that I will leave much wiser and happier and infused with these thousands of pointless, but infinitely important moments. All thanks to a song.

Love, Jennifer