My life is excellent!  I have a MacBook and the internet.  That is all.  :)

Excess is excess.

April 14, 2009

I've been trying my hardest to stay in the present lately and enjoy what I have while I have it, but that's always been difficult for me. I love to think about the past. I always worry about the future, especially now. It's funny, somehow I thought once I made it to college and past all those decisions, it would be all set for a long while without too much anxiety. Not true! Anyway, I've been ruining my happiness lately by freaking out over all of this rather than enjoying what's in front of me at the time. In light of all of this, I think I need to adjust the way I look at things, not only right now, but for the summer as well. I really think I need to simplify. A lot! I feel like my life's become overly, unnecessarily filled with extremely unimportant things. I really want to get rid of a lot of stuff. Material things--clothes, unused things, unnecessary things. Maybe eBay will make me some money this way :) But more than that, maybe I will have the clarity I desire if I'm less distracted by the material when I should be focusing on the important.

So anyway, that's how I'm feeling as of now, which has led to a few goals:

• get rid of the "extraneous" things, as neil would call them.
• drive my car as little as possible. Fix up the red bike once again and fall in love with it once again.
• do something meaningful that makes me feel alive. I have a pretty good idea of what this is.
• spend my time with the most important people to me.
• give generously
• be present
  
• live authentically.

Love, Jennifer

Computer. Relay for Life. FML.

March 30, 2009

Here is my life as of late. My computer has stopped being useful. I have no internet, which is why I'm in a computer lab right now typing this. It's really frustrating to me because this happened for absolutely no reason at all. My little wireless button is eternally red, which is not good, and my computer tells me that it can find no networks to connect to because I have no wireless adapter. Yes I do! Or I used to! I've tried to research some solutions, but basically all I found was a lot of people (see forum) who have the same problem I do, but have no idea how to fix it because it's completely random. GAhhhhhhhh. If you want to see, here it is:

http://forums11.itrc.hp.com/service/forums/bizsupport/questionanswer.do?threadId=1136440&admit=109447626+1238378837173+28353475

Anyway, my warranty just barely expired in December, so that's bad news. But I'm taking it to the campus store tomorrow to see if they have any ideas. In the meantime, I am seriously considering the pros of switching to a Macbook, although I would be severely depleted of cash for the rest of forever. It's awesome.

Other than this, I have been surprisingly happy about the direction my life is going, and have a newfound interest in playing cards. And getting competitive. haha.

Thanks for listening to this terribly boring rant.

Love, Jennifer

PS--I will be participating in Relay for Life on campus in a couple weeks, so if any of you feel the generous desire to donate a bit of cash for my cause, that would rock. I hope to stay up all night and play a lot of cards when I'm not walking :)

www.fmylife.com


.

3/2/09

Question of the week: Is kissing natural?

Sure, it feels natural, but if you'd never seen anyone kiss before, would it occur to you to do it?

Love, Jennifer

Nerves Clam, Coordination Bread

Look what I painted today. I love college :)




Love, Jennifer

wrinkles.

February 17, 2009.

I was talking with a (new) friend of mine about getting old. She said she'll be the woman who continues dyeing her hair forever and gets Botox to smooth away the signs of age. She doesn't want any of it. I was just thinking....I can't wait to be old. To sit on the porch with the love of my life, holding arthritic hands. I can't wait to have grey hair and wrinkles and laugh lines. I want, as undesirable and embarrassing as some people might find it, to see the proof on my face that I

lived.
That I worked and I laughed and I learned.
And that I have the wrinkles to prove it.

Love, Jennifer

PS--Happy 300th post. :)

"Electric Fence" by Nick Arvin

Monday, February 9, 2009.

"He climbed the tree repeatedly, and he began to prefer the windy times when he could perch near the sky and feel the rush of the air and watch the horizon fall and rise. He went into the woods whenever a big wind started. The first time he was out in a storm, he was thrilled by the thrashing of the branches and the leaves, the crash of the rain, the danger. Soon he knew the big oak so well he could climb it by moonlight. The rush was even greater in a nighttime storm, a chaos of motion and wet blindness. And when the storm passed and uncovered the stars, it was a kind of miracle to cling so close to them and wait and watch while a blush of color grew on the horizon, then unrolled and unrolled until all the air was lit with blue and bright as day."

I read this, then looked around at all of my things and wondered why.

Love, Jennifer

learning

Sunday, February 8.

I was reading postsecrets this morning, and saw this one...



It made me stop a little and about this whole college thing I'm doing at the moment. Really, I don't doubt that this is exactly the right place for me to be right now, but it's kind of easy to get lost in this strange world here. It's easy to lose sight of the important things in life, the absolutely true things. As much freedom as is allowed here (as opposed to say, high school...), there are still a lot of people and ideas that will try to make you what they want you to be.

So I read this post card, and I began to think of what I've learned thus far. I've learned a lot academically, but most of all, I've learned a lot about humanity itself. It's hard to explain, but living among 30,000 other human beings has this way of magnifying things. Excitement is so much bigger, hate is so much bigger, pressure is so much bigger, and loneliness is so much bigger. Being here, I really identify with a lot of people, and I get this feeling of connectedness about the whole thing. It's like we're all in this together. Nobody knows exactly what we're doing with our lives, but we're trying, and we're trying together. So what have I learned? I have no idea. But I feel like I've been brought closer to the heart of humanity.

Love, Jennifer

thinking, thinking.

2/5/09

Well hello.

I have slacked and it has been pointed out to me. So this is my repentance, I suppose. Also, I kind of miss this because it used to mean more to me than it has recently. However, I have no more to say than ever before, so...yeah. Lol.

My life now consists of......lots of naps. LOTS of reading. The occasional social event. Driving people all over Salt Lake. It kind of reminds me of my sophomore year of high school, driving people everywhere, which I actually don't mind at all. It's strange to think this way, but I've finally moved out of my house in my mind. I'll be living in Midway during the summer, working and all, but that will probably be the last time. And when I think of being there, it's kind of like I'll just be staying there for a couple months until things begin again. BUT nobody likes to hear someone talk about themselves (themself is not a word.), so I'll try to move on. Haha.

Here's a thought I had the other day. I think people need opposition. Everyone always complains about the problems in their lives, but I think if removed, they would hate their existence as well. It's like...having a purpose I guess. If everyone had a perfect life, there would be no movement, and no struggle to get to a better place. People would feel purposeless. This is troubling to me. If this is true, do people unconsciously create barriers to happiness because they know it gives them a reason to live?

That is all.

Love, Jennifer

hmm.

Technology/The Internet/Facebook just sent me a strange message. It said, "Do something about yourself." What could this mean? Hmm.

*Promise: something better later.

Love, Jennifer

secrets

"And it is my hope that one day secrets will cease to exist. They not only trap us mentally, physically,and emotionally, but they also put a strain on everything and everyone around us; they prevent us from being ourselves, something neither you, the world or myself, can afford."

....from a guy speaking on a postsecret experience.


I wish.

Love, Jennifer

Resolutions

• Be fearless.
• Drink more water.
• Eat lots lots lots more vegetables.
• And less processed, fried, sugary, or otherwise unhealthy foods.
• Judge less.
• Allow myself and others opportunities.
  
• Be more open.
• Be less emotionally turbulent. (haha)
• Tell him every day. Make sure he knows.
• Take care of it. It's one of the most significant things in my life now.

Love, Jennifer

confessions

As part of my New Year's resolution this year, I'm trying to be more open. So to begin, my friends, here are some of my confessions :)

• I cannot pronounce this word---vinyl.
• Or---chipotle.
• I went to almost every Utes game this season, but the rules of football are still a mystery to me.
• I miss my month of vegetarianism.
• I compulsively lie sometimes.
• I am dreading this summer.

For now, that's all. Happy 2oo9.

Love, Jennifer

snowboarding.

So this will be quick since I have to leave in 4 minutes, but here goes what's been happening lately.

yesterday i hit up the canyons for my first day of snowboarding. it was so hard! berto warned me that my first day would be horrible because it was so frustrating, and he was definitely right. I spent like two hours on the bunny hill ( haha) just trying to figure out the whole thing, and I fell on my butt sooo many times. My left cheek is in pain today! haha.

don was with me and I feel horrible because I'm afraid I was mean to him. I was so frustrated and getting angry that I wasn't immediately getting it (irrational, i know). He tried to help but I wouldn't talk to him, and yet he didn't give up or get angry in return. Which reminds me why I love him.

So there is my first experience. It kind of sucked, but I will try again :) haha.

Love, Jennifer

free music sunday

Dear Blog Family,

Because I really love you all, and also because I have been seriously slacking in bloggage, I feel I should present you with a gift, so here it is. Free music time! In my adventures on the internet, the following list contains the most-worthwhile bunch of downloads I've found. Some of them are just nice while others are freaking awesome. ....oh, and they're free. (click the title for link)

Nine Inch Nails--The Slip
Hooray! Free full-album download from an artist. I was iffy about them at first for some reason, but it's actually really cool stuff. You might have to subscribe to their newsletter or something...I don't really remember...but it's definitely worth it.

P is for Panda Mix Tape: Vol. 1
Just click this link and all your wildest dreams will come true! Except really. I don't know what this thing is, but it's free, and it's kind of folk-y Jeb sort of music. It totally made my day when I found it. Be advised that the songs by "pasadena" are more in the country genre, but the rest rocks. Also, you'll probably need an amazon account to download them, and also this amazon downloader thing. both free and pretty easy. or at least I thought.

Badman, Has it Really Been 10 Years?Also from amazon. Also puzzlingly free and awesome. Still in the Jeb music genre. Still free. Another compilation of cool music....I hadn't heard of any of it, except for My Morning Jacket, but I found a lot of new stuff I like.

Deep Elm Sampler No. 8 "Bonfire of Trust"This one's from amazon again, and is released by a label called Deep Elm. More sweet stuff, so check it out.
That's all for now. If I stumble upon any more, I'll be sure to share the love. And hey, if you know of any yourself, link them in comments!

Love, Jeb

PS--If you're on Bebo, add "iTunes US" (or something like that) as a friend, and they give out a free playlist from iTunes every month. Sweet. Also, on iTunes they release about 2 or 3 tracks (sometimes good, sometimes crappy) and occasionally a music video for free every week. :)

infinite.

Perfect fall moment today. I stumbled upon this little tiny circle of trees off the side of the sidewalk, with a bench in the middle. The sunlight was streaming down through the branches and leaves were raining down. There was no way I could possibly resist it. Lying there on the bench, staring at nothing and smelling leaves and dirt and all kinds of other fall smells, I felt exactly what Charlie was talking about in the book "the perks of being a wallflower." I felt perfect. I felt content. I felt infinite.

Love, Jennifer

ice cream

Good deed of the day:
I was walking into the building, and there sits an ice cream sandwich in the wrapper, most likely melting. I thought of the janitor who would be really pissed off once it made an ice-creamy mess and he/she had to clean it up. so I definitely threw that thing away. Act of kindness? I'd say so. ha.

Love, Jennifer

excuse!

Guess who's already slacking? I am. I swear to you I have a legit reason though.

Last night I have these weird dreams where all these students are running down a hill. And I feel a wave of nausea but think to myself "i can just stick this out, I'll feel better," which makes me feel slightly better. Then a student runs by and says, "oh no you can't. you are definitely going to throw up. you are incredibly sick." and then I feel so nauseous again. I'm only half dreaming but I can't get out of this cycle and I can't think of anything besides this hill.

Finally I get up and go into the bathroom at like 4 in the morning. I'm just standing in front of the toilet feeling horrible, but nothing's happening, which is even more frustrating. Eventually I throw up but it doesn't make me feel that much better so I end up sitting on the floor of the dorm eating chunks of Morgan's bread (sorry...) and drinking some water.

That, apparently, is not helpful either because I end up waking up at 5:30 and throwing up again, this time it's worse. So note to self, don't eat anything else. That's about how I got to this point, still in bed because I feel too crappy to get up for any reason.

So, my apologies. Good deed for today: I would really like to use the bathroom, being sick and all, but C is in the shower with some guy, so I've been leaving them alone. Seriously though, this is a really long shower.

Love, Jennifer

spread the love

Alright, so here's my new idea. Each day I'm going to blog and tell you about one act of kindness I've done. First of all, this is a good idea because random acts of kindness are great for everyone! And second, maybe now I'll start blogging on a regular basis, which I've totally been slacking at lately.

Today I was sitting in my Anthropology class. And it's a lecture. For the most part I've actually been pretty interested in all of it so far, but at this point it kind of feels like a repeat of stuff I've already heard, and it can get really boring. I was sitting there, mostly asleep, when I heard the girl next to me say "there's a spider on your back!" Yeah, I woke up pretty quickly. And I saw the guy right in front of me with a spider on his back, and it freaked me out, so I took my pen and flicked it away. Crisis over---the guy thanked me, and again when we were leaving class. And I felt pretty good about this whole thing, and came up with the blog/acts of kindness idea. So there you have it.

Love, Jennifer

garden state.

Last night I watched Garden State with Natalie, Britta, and Berto. It was a nice movie, but one quote stuck out to me.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist."

It was kind of this weird moment where I was like, "whoa. I think that's me." I don't feel like I really live in my parents' house anymore, but I'm not really sure if I live in salt lake either. And the more I think about it, instead of gaining more of myself by going to college, it's like I've lost the old person. And now I'm trying to pick up the significant pieces and make myself. It's....bewildering. I don't know who to be because I don't know what's important. After 3+ years of trying to figure this out, you'd think I'd have an answer. I don't. I can't even remember who I was when I left.

Love, Jennifer