Kasa No Hone

The ribs of the umbrella
Have fallen apart;
The paper is also torn,
But with bamboo
Tied together.
Do not throw it away,
Though I
Also am torn,
Don't desert me.

Today's Inspirations

Love, Jennifer

I would like to talk about something...

It is pottery.  I do not know what has happened, but somehow I have regressed to the point of being able to do NOTHING!  It started out much this way but after a little struggle I conquered the idea of making a cup (which, apparently, is the absolute easiest thing to make ever.  apparently).  And then it happened, that little bit of self-sabotage I unfortunately let happen now and then.  I got just a little bit too confident in my "abilities."  Now I am knocked back to my senses by the newest assignment, which is "tall things" which by the way, I am not so good at making!  In fact, I'm kinda terrible...which does nothing for my desire to keep trying, although I know I have to.  If I could do this all in secret, I feel I might progress along much more quickly, because I'm not afraid to try, or to mess up, when no one's watching.  And here's the root of the problem, I believe...my expectations are generally WAY too high for myself.  And I hate, hate, hate failing at things.  I can't live with it.  Which is helpful in that I'll struggle along until I no longer fail, but extremely detrimental in that I have no patience until I get to a better place.  It's kind of ridiculous when you think about it, because COME ON!, we're talking about pottery here!  Anyway...I felt a little vent might be helpful because I have exactly 56 minutes until I have to leave to catch TRAX to make it to, yes, pottery.  And I'm tired of feeling frustrated about it.  Well that's all I'll say about that.

Speaking of, I best hurry and finish this as to leave time for some vegetable-scarfing before I have to go.  I went on a fruit and veggie shopping spree the other day, more of a sincere apology to my body than anything else since my diet has degraded lately to something I'm kind of embarrassed about.  Turns out chicken nuggets and taquitos don't cut it for a week straight...or more...  Granted, I am one of those college students, but considering my extreme interest in a career in Nutrition, shouldn't I know better?  Yeah, I definitely should.  Take this as my rededication to a better life.  And the result of MSN and their catchy little articles on health.  Or whatever.

Love, Jennifer

best read with a triscuit in your mouth...

10/19/09

I am not one for theatrics, but I feel I must confess:  I have achieved amazing things today!

....wait, maybe not.  but I did finally pound out the Research Methods paper I have due in the morning.  This thing has been HAUNTING me for about a week now.  It was just one of those things (insert my laziness here) where I could not get started.  Or keep going.  But that's how it usually goes with these things, right?  The things I have to do are the hardest but the things that will take me nowhere are so easy...and threaten so often to take over my life!  And the craziest part is that when I make up my mind to accomplish something, I can seriously get stuff done.  It's all a matter of willpower, I suppose.

Speaking of getting things done... I seriously need a job.  And this current failure is definitely not for lack of trying.  I cannot even tell you how many job applications I've filled out.  Or how many times my fragile little heart has been broken in the process.  I have one promising prospect at the moment, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and meanwhile plotting my next move.  Tell me what you think.  I turned in my app exactly one week ago, at which time I was told ...

1)They are definitely hiring.

2)My availability is legit!  (jk, that was for you, Morgie)  But seriously, my schedule is really awesome for an evening/weekend job.

So now, my (very minor) dilemma.  When is too early to call back and check on things?  Because I feel like if I just sit back and wait for something to fall into my lap, nothing will ever happen.  A little initiative never hurts, but I don't want to become overbearing.  So far I have two votes for going back in to chat sometime this week and if I hear no other suggestions, I will be doing just that.  Which seems pretty reasonable to me.  Where is the job?  I don't even want to tell you; I don't want to jinx this.  But let's all hope, right?  Go me.

Here's my latest thing: coming to terms/struggling with/accepting my seeming insignificance.  Hm.  This sounds way sadder than it actually is.  In fact, it's not really sad at all considering everyone on earth falls into this category.  Think about it, billions of people in the world, and all of us trying to make something of our lives.  This is especially hard when you finally realize being on your own means being on your own sometimes.  And even though there are people to always count on, sometimes you have to face all of it in solitude, because if you don't you will never know how it could have turned out.  Sometimes, on nights when I'm holed up in my little apartment next to the laundry room, trying hard to make it through a paper while thinking about the vegetables I haven't eaten lately and the skin crises heaped upon me in October and the fact that I am jobless and not engaged (which, by the way, is something I am getting mixed messages for but I don't really want to be married at this point in my life but should I???  Seems like the thing to do these days!) all the while trying to love correctly and unconditionally and also, what about God and doing what is right and what is that whole thing all about!  It's more dramatic than I intended, but these are a few of my current worries.  And then, I stop for just a small moment, and realize...

1) It is raining outside, and the sound is absolutely beautiful

2) Which I did not notice until my glorious roommate pointed it out to me, while visiting as I took a break from the paper, which

3) A really wonderful (and not to mention inspirational!) friend of mine is helping me with through the medium of text messages, facebook, and twenty-minute phone calls.  Also,

4) I don't have a job.  Yet.  But I do have hope.

5) I have someone to love.  Who still thinks I look good even when I have skin crises.

6) Figuring it all out is half of the fun.  (Fun...?  Wait...)

7)  I have Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits, and

8)  I'm still breathing so I must still be alive.

So here's to being insignificant for the moment and finding happiness in such a thing.  And here's to good snack foods and doing amazing things, even though they are hard.

Love, Jennifer

saturday

10/17/09

Today turned out to be one of those days that is inexplicably wonderful for really no reason at all.  After sleeping in (and in and in...) and hanging around the apartment for awhile, I set off for Liberty Park.

I love Liberty Park.  I really do.  Besides the fact that it is HUGE, I just really like the idea of having a little haven in the middle of Salt Lake City where people flock to when they want a bit of an escape.  As of yet, I have found nowhere in Salt Lake where people are so happy!  Or anywhere so peaceful.  Or where rollerblading has been revived so well.  Ha!

Today's highlight was the medieval swordfighting group.  It was awesome.  While walking around, I found this huge group of people all dressed up in costumes and holding foamy swords and shields, enacting a huge battle.  It was so great.  And quite complicated.... I wasn't there long enough to figure it out but they had these complex rules to follow...very impressive.  And as I was leaving, I heard one of them yell "Gandalf!"  :)

In other news, I saw Where the Wild Things Are last night.  It was not at all like I expected.  I'm not sure exactly what was off about it, but I left the theatre feeling a little disappointed and quite confused.  The plot was just really strange, but the monsters were freaking awesome.  Which is all that really matters, I guess.

Love, Jennifer

picturelife

October 9. 2009

New idea.  I'm terrible at explaining things in words, so I'll let the magic of my camera phone do it for me.  Here's an update of how things look in my life right now, through my favorite medium of photography.

my new favorite thing!  yummy yummy dino buddies!  5 pounds of them; thank you costco :)

This is Don!  it's midnight, and it's his birthday.  it was a good time; he was like a little kid waiting for his present :)  Now that he has it, he is quite content.

This is a dummy.  M and I left it in someone's room.  And, I quote, we are "creepers!  i almost peed my pants!"  best idea ever.

This is where I study.  And watch movies.  And am eaten by the free squirrel couch.

This is my room!  Perpetually unmade bed and the macbook i am addicted to.  and a pile of books i swear i'll get to when i have time.  over there on the wall is my 8 pages of reading assignments for this term.  completion rate:  around 20%.  boo me.
This is where i sit every day, waiting for TRAX to take me home.  that guy looks like he's popping out of the trash can, but really he's not.

Sep. 26...my birthday!  i'm old!  donald took me shopping:  he's a man-purse (as he likes to say.)

i also went to homecoming with him, which was excellent

And that is my life in pictures.

Love, Jennifer

secrets.

9/14/09

For cathartic purposes...

I lied to you; I hear sirens all the time and I know you're probably right.

I lied to pretty much everyone about this.  It never really happened.

Our roles may be inverting.

I was really attracted to him, but now it just seems really wrong which is why I'll never admit this.

I agreed to your condition knowing I'd likely do it anyway.  And then I did.  Sorry.  Kind of.

We're only close in that state, which is really weird.  I don't like it.

I downplay it, but really, he doesn't like you.  He's wrong.

You'd be surprised.

Love, Jennifer

Onslaught

9/9/09

Click for Truth

Love, Jennifer

updates and such.

9/2/09

Here we are, back at school.  I feel pretty strange this year, probably because I don't live directly on campus anymore, but I still love it and it's working out well.

This semester my schedule is intensely psychology-related, which is both nice and kind of disconcerting sometimes.  I find it really interesting, but at the same time, having insight into the human mind so much of the time makes it hard not to see things in yourself that you don't want to.  On the plus side, I don't feel so crazy about being crazy sometimes because I can now identify some of the causes.  Sort of.  It's nice to actually really care about what I'm learning.  This is the stuff I've waited for!  The stuff that will actually end up mattering.

Also...pottery.  It's HARD.  I'm making myself calm down and relax about this, or there's no way I'll ever progress, but it's really challenging.  And being in a class with advanced students combined makes it a little frustrating.  But I'm learning slowly and actually have fun, despite everything I just said.

As of now, I have basically no homework except reading chapters out of books.  I feel super lazy.  But it's a nice segue into what the rest of the semester will most likely turn into.  I'm figuring out how to balance things this way.  And besides, it leaves time for lots of naps, which I  indulge in way too often.

The odd thing?  Seeing heber kids all-freaking-over.  Apparently the class of 2009 all decided to come to the U.  It's not bad, just odd.

Donald and I are great.  1 year anniversary was yesterday.  :)

Off to discussion group and then the pool.

Love, Jennifer

Anything for You

August  14, 2009

I have called you children, I have called you son. 
What is there to answer if I'm the only one? 
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light. 
Still I must obey, still I must invite. 
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, 
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you. 

I was dressed embarrassment. 
I was dressed in wine. 
If you had a part of me, will you take your time? 
Even if I come back, even if I die 
Is there some idea to replace my life? 
Like a father to impress; 
Like a mother's mourning dress, 
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you 

I have called you preacher; I have called you son. 
If you have a father or if you haven't one, 
I'll do anything for you. I did everything for you 

current things.

So this is pretty weird, but I'm getting really close to moving out of my parents' house.  For good.  It's a really weird thought to me, but I like the idea of it a lot.  Sometimes (most of the time) I still feel so young, like twelve, really.  Other times, I know it's time for me to move on and discover the next adventures of my life.  So this, like any other change for me, is filled with equal amounts of excitement and fear.  I'll probably be moving down to my apartment in Salt Lake on Saturday.  Ah!

In related news, my last day of work (forEVER!) at Soldier Hollow is tomorrow.  I feel actually kind of sad about this.  It's hard to explain exactly how I feel, but I've grown very fond, I guess you would say, of the people I work with.  And if you haven't caught on to this yet, I hate endings of any kind.  It will be way awesome to not have to wake up at 5 anymore though!

As for school, this semester I'll actually start into my core psychology classes, which I'm really psyched about.  Right now, my plan is a major in Psychology, minor in Nutrition, and hopefully I'll graduate with an Honors degree.  I've gotta get on top of stuff and start getting involved in some research and all.  The nice thing about all of this is that I finally feel like I can breathe.....because finally, finally, I feel like I have a direction and a plan.  No more wandering aimlessly.  Obviously it will most likely change a bit or a lot before the end, but it feels so much nicer to know what I'm working towards.

And finally, back to the life list.  I really regret not posting about skydiving, but that's that, so if you'd like to know how it went and how amazing and alive it made me feel, just ask and I'll tell you all about it.  But anyway, the list.... since skydiving is now checked off, I have something else to take its place which is (and I'm serious!).... shark cage diving!  I don't know how or when I will make this happen, but I know it would be really really really awesome.  And kind of dangerous, but that's what I like about it.  

the list as of now.  ish.  

--the northern lights

--fireflies

--shark cage diving

--general happiness.  of course.

Love, Jennifer

"Red"

This feeling that we grew upon

Was never meant for words

And early morning thoughts

Scream forget me not

And I know the price of time

Is never too low

And the light overhead blocked out the moon

And the stars turned to red

And it's easy to get lost when you're in an element like this

Let it all go, let it all go

Give me something I can hold

See the world in black and white

Just close your eyes, close your eyes.

July 28, 2009

So....not much to say except for this:

Yesterday, I slept from 2:30 p.m. when I got home until 4:30 a.m. the next day, when I woke up for work.  Whooooa.  A record even for me.

Love, Jennifer

Today's playlist:

• Only By The Night (Kings of Leon)
• Oracular Spectacular (MGMT)
• On A Clear Night (Missy Higgins)

thoughts of a dying...adventurist?

July 24, 2009

I just had the strangest dream.  It was one of those that affects you so deeply that you can't shake the feeling even after you've woken.  In a bid for adventure I mistakenly catapulted myself off this gigantic church-type roof on a bicycle.  Absolutely the tallest building ever.  The next thing I knew I was sitting contemplating my life because I knew that I'd suffered internal injuries that couldn't be fixed and I had a few days at most to live.  Pieces of my body kept detaching themselves from inside as I slowly faded.  I cannot even begin to explain the way I felt.  The most surprising thing was how much fear I felt.  I feared the idea of death so much.  Like a thief taking away the single most important thing, death waited for me on the sidelines while I struggled to soak in what little I could with what time I had left.  I felt so much regret, and at the same time had a much clearer view of what life really meant.  I was so sad for the person I would never come, the fact that I would never be married or have children, graduate college, decide what to do with my life, nothing.  It seemed so ridiculous to me, the things I used to worry about.  Careers and school schedules absolutely paled in comparison to what I now faced.  I felt so terrible for my parents and my brother, who would have to watch me die, and really jealous of those who still had a future ahead of them.  Despite all of this, I wasn't angry or bitter, I just knew that it was my destiny to end this way.  In a way it was a calm thought, although underneath I still wanted so much.

I'm think I know why I dreamt this, and I'm glad to have felt what I did.  My subconscious knew what I did not.  Even as I type this, the feeling is fading, but I hope to hold on to as much of it as I possibly can.  I am so grateful to be alive right now, to have endless days ahead of me, but still I know that time waits for no one.

Love, Jennifer

divisions

July 20, 2009

Hello everyone. Sorry about the long absence, but to be honest, I'm often so bored I can't bring myself to do anything. And also I hate using the family computer, but that's another story.

So....a lot of the time my thoughts for blogs are golf course thoughts, which is to say things I ponder over while spending hours mowing grass every day. However, this one is a thought that's been percolating inside my head for months, or possibly even longer, I'm not sure. It's something that's developed slowly, and progressively become more obvious to me in my own relationships and those I observe of others. Sometimes it really discourages and frustrates me. So I'll throw it out there and see what you think.

Last time I blogged about passion, and this is somewhat related, but sort of different in this context.

Love.

It's puzzling to me why we all have such a hard time with it. Life is at its best when we feel love and are able to give love to others, but a lot of our time is spent denying it to those we don't feel like deserve it.

For instance, during my first year of college I encountered the strangest feelings between people who are LDS/people who are not. Taking into account that a lot of the instances that stuck out to me are simply extremes, a large amount of lds kids i knew had this habit of building walls. of not knowing how to coexist with others who have different values than them and quite frankly not wanting to. In return, many who were not lds, and specifically those who weren't from utah had this terrible opinion of mormons because they came across as closed-off, closed-minded, and definitely judgmental. it was frustrating to me. a large part of me tried to change those opinions and wanted to convince everyone that mormons weren't the worst people in the world and weren't out to judge them, but to be honest it's often a failing argument.

After a short amount of time, i realized how puzzling this problem is. on one hand, coming from an lds community and family, i can see their point of view. What comes across as judgmental and closed-minded is simply a person trying their very hardest to protect what they believe and live up to the standards they have chosen. Unfortunately sometimes people can't help avoiding building this box around themselves. It's not that they have feelings of animosity towards others, it's just that they're fiercely trying to be something different and don't know how to reconcile that with the way others are living their lives...sometimes really crazy lives.

On the other hand, it would frustrate me to no end. I hated that there had to be this division between what seemed like two clear groups. I have no answers for this, but I always wondered why people couldn't find a way to coexist. Find some way to be themselves and uphold their values without alienating others and seeming judgmental. I suppose in the end, it's better to be exactly who you want to be even if it offends others, but is there no middle ground?

As for love, I felt none of it, from either side. People automatically judged me and labeled me as a stuffy mormon because that is my religion. I could literally see it in their faces as they would dismiss me upon hearing this bit of information. Donald started trying his best to defend me. He's wonderful, and I love that about him, but I understood his need to quickly explain that I was more open-minded than other mormons. There was literally a small window of time to try to save yourself before your opportunity to get to know anyone was missed. Alternately, the people I was supposed to go to church with quickly realized I was trying to live in both worlds, and like the others dismissed me for that as well. I was too mormon for a lot of so-called "normal" people, and too not-mormon for all the lds kids in my building and around campus. I will give them credit for trying. And I must admit that there were 2 or 3 people who genuinely accepted me for who I was, but so many others obviously disapproved of my stance in life. Of course, it didn't help that I am dating someone who isn't lds. All I will say about this is that I have decided to accept people for what they are rather than what they aren't.

I guess this is the thing....this division I felt, albeit in a small way and seemingly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, exists among so many groups, religious or ethnic or whatever. We find it so hard to accept what is different. To be a bit of a nerd for a moment, this reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (movie) where harry is with luna in the forest. they are petting the thestrals and luna explains that they're really gentle creatures but people tend to stay away from them simply because they are so different.

I hate to see it, but no matter who you are, you have held back loving or accepting or even just giving someone a chance because they have been different than you. I suppose at this point I'm trying to reconcile my two worlds, which is sometimes very stressful to me. I'm trying so hard to love and accept everyone equally. That, I believe, is much more important than building walls around myself to make up for some self-doubt about who I am. I guess I have already decided who I am and what is important to me, and loving someone who isn't the same isn't going to change that.

Love, Jennifer

passion

June 16, 2009

In case you don't know, I work on a golf course, mowing grass all day. After awhile it kind of gets to be like driving, where you don't have to think about what you're doing so much as just letting your muscles do the work. It gives me a lot of time to think about things, and this just happens to be one of the things I pondered on today.

Passion. It's the strangest thing. There is no greater motivator in our lives, no pursuit holds our interest more or leads us to more happiness. There is also nothing else with the capacity to cause us so much emotional pain. For reasons unknown to us, we pursue our passions like a tangible dream, surpassing all obstacles in chase of what holds our attention at that moment. Sometimes these things are people. A lot of the time. Other times they are objects or goals or any number of other things. We cannot consciously choose what captures our heart; in fact, we often fall in love with the wrong person, whether they be simply wrong for us, unattainable, or undesirable. Sometimes we fall for the wrong behaviors or addictions. And yet, even in the moment we know that it's harmful to us, we are yet aching for what we desire. Our passions become the force propelling us from one stage of life to the next, defining moments and psychological states. It's hard to explain exactly what compels us, but it is absolutely sure that passion always has and always will move the human race. It seems that our passions and our souls are inextricably connected. Without it, we would be empty boxes, nothing more than a body surviving from day to day. In this way passions animate us and lift us up from the ordinary. Our hearts will ache, they will grow, and more often than not, they will break over passions but we will pick up the pieces and wake up ready to do it all again. What other choice do we have? Surely no one will get through this life without the pain of lost passion but surely there is no other path to happiness.

Love, Jennifer


.

things.

June 15, 2009

Things I currently love.

doughnuts from days. "closer" by kings of leon. sleeping in. sunburns. not being sick. sunroofs. my bed. ultimate frisbee. being with donald. discovering the new self. cooking. basil. white teeth. dane cook. tegan and sara....sara and tegan. the prospect of living on my own. new friends. old friends. rediscovered friends. dumb movies. hot pockets. laughing with my father. weddings in the future (not even my own). knowing i will be okay, no matter what. smiles at the golf course. gluttonous weekends. the food network. hgtv. bicycles. bare feet. barbequed food. green grass. the moon in the morning. goodnight texts. leaving things behind. roximo. the simpsons. summer dresses. meeting new, interesting people. torrential rain. living within the mountains. upcoming concerts. farmers' markets. vegetables. sleeeeeeeeeping. mac. you. me. them. giving. paychecks. doing a good job. the color green. comedy. dinner from my mother. taking care of people. the reward after the wait. and a lot more.

Love, Jennifer

currently.

June 2, 2009

How do I explain this?  Life is interesting, for sure.  It seems that once life begins changing, it is a downhill slope that only picks up speed as it goes.  I think of where I was one year ago, or 3 months ago and it's so incredible to me how different things become as life goes on.

Specifically, (or not so specifically, being clear is not a prominent feature of my writings/blogs) I am beginning to feel more and more as if I am the only one around me willing to enjoy the moment for what it is without rushing on to the next.  There is enough time to go around, folks.  Just slow down.  Don't force anything.  Maybe it will be better than you think?

Summer is usually a nice change of things though this one has been odd so far.  My days mostly consist of waking up way too early, working, doing a thing or two during the day, then going to sleep and starting all over.  And lots of waiting.  Waiting for weekends, for the chance to feel like I'm really living a life, for the time when I'll be able to go back, this time for good hopefully.  I've been really surprised and really happy how things have worked out so far, because I was really worried about becoming disconnected when I moved back to my parents' house.  Life works out nicely that way though.  All I want is to be able to hold onto this once things change again.

Overall, I'm happy and excited and somehow really proud of myself for nothing at all.

Love, Jennifer

time travel

May 5, 2009

So, last night's dream...

I could travel backwards in time!  I didn't really get to choose this, but I ended up at the end-of-the-year party last year after graduation.  I was sitting in this group of people and we were all talking.  Everyone got up and left except Hannah.  I really wanted her to know so I whispered, "I have something to tell you.  I'm from the FUTURE."  She just nodded her head and said she thought so.  Then I said, "Do you want me to tell you everything?"  And she was like "No.  No, no, no!"  And then she ran away!  That is the entirety of the dream.  It was pretty great though.

That's all for now.  Tomorrow I have a stats final, and then I'm finished.  How odd.

Love, Jennifer

endings

May 1, 2009

So, as of now I have about 8 days left before I leave campus and end my first year of college.  I have to say, it's really weird.  I've been kind of stressed lately (and sick because of it...there was a period where I suspected the swine flu, but that's another story, lol...) about finals and about starting next year and everything.  Plus, I have no idea where I will live in the fall.  I've been really worried about that but I suppose I will just see what happens, because despite my urgency things pretty much always work out on their own.  So...yeah.  I'm happy right now and pretty excited for the summer and for the future in general.

AND my dreams are getting awesome again!  For a long time they've been super boring but they've gotten weird again, which I love.  :)

Love, Jennifer