Off to San Francisco

I miss you already :) See you in a few, blog friends.

Love, Jennifer

Really knowing.

I was thinking yesterday. I had a really good experience with a person. I had completely misjudged her, expected things with she and I to go badly, and then was pleasantly surprised when they didn't. And as I drove home, marveling at this experience, I realized that the reason we can misjudge people like this is because we don't really know them, we don't really know what's important to them, who they are, all that. And if we took the time and effort to truly know the people we know, how much better our lives would be, and how much better the world would be. I can only think of four people that I truly know. How disappointing. I feel like I have to try harder; this is important. Anyway, my thought for today. Have a good one.

Love, Jennifer

"G"

G is for
ivory.
For diamonds,
For money,
For food in the
Starving mouth,
For black and shining oil.
For more, for more, for more.

G is for
Time.
For grasping
The minutes and seconds
In a slippery grip.
For want,
For desperation.
For more, for more, for more.

G is for
You and I.
For the lacquered past,
For the seeping present,
For the dangerous future.
My bread, your water,
Food for these starving lives.
For more. For more. For more.

Does anyone know what it is?

Love, Jennifer

10 places

So I'm definitely stealing this idea from Travis. These are ten of my very favorite (close) places to go when I want to think, or be amazed, or calm, or have a good time, or anything in between. I have a hard time putting them in order though, so these will just be in random order.

• The Duck Pond: I love this place for no reason at all! It's just a pond with some picky ducks, but I never get tired of it. I've made some really important decisions here, and had some really good talks with people. I love going with Hannah. And by myself. And everyone else. When we were younger, T and I used to ride our bikes here on nice spring sundays after church, and eat lunch, or just bask. Good memories here.

• The Grassy Grass Hill: The day I discovered it was kind of a melancholy day, and it was exactly what I needed to cope with the inevitable end of summer that was approaching. It was a fantastic day, really warm, kind of breezy. And there was the hill, like a gift to me. I still go there and sit whenever possible. The three of us belong there.

• The Hot Pots: Alright, they smell horrible, but are a lot of fun anyway. I remember the first time I saw them, with my dad. And having some interesting conversations there with people I hardly knew. Two words: truck tubbing!

• The Hill: It has the most amazing view at night! And during sunsets. I played ninjas here one day, and go to collect my thoughts. And most importantly, the most honest conversation I have ever had with anyone in my entire life (and the moment when i felt most free) took place here. It's so good for Straight Up.

• A certain secret hiking spot: It's ours, and ours alone. It's definitely a rule that no one is allowed to go here but us. Big Foot lives along the trail somewhere, probably. And his cousin Yeti. It's fantastic for taking pictures in the fall. And in the summer, we hike to the (almost?) top, and sit, and talk about life and drugs and marriage. I love it.

• JR Smith: The ultimate summer hangout spot! That intense night of hide-and-seek is filed away in the coveted "favorite summer memories" part of my brain. Britta and I buried our wish pennies in the ground here, for the rest of forever. Running through the midnight sprinklers with Morgan. Swinging :D

• Deer Creek: The "beach," where Brady karate chops a watermelon every time and we write songs, and float around on rafts. All we do is just be together here, and that's why I love it. In winter, it's all iced-over and ready for burning things (haha...) and if you go on a really clear, dark night, it looks like Alaska or something. It's impressive and beautiful.

• Well, I can't name this one: Sorry. We went here last summer to cross off an item on the list. And it was kind of cold, but really freeing. And really fun. Kind of an adrenaline rush. Getting there is half the fun. With the three of us, we told our secrets to each other. And I will never live mine down.

• The Park: Swinging! And pirate day (Tarkshooth?)! Skipping the last period of the day and going here on sunny spring days with Brady and Britta, lying on the grass. Watching people, or traffic, or nothing. It's even good in the winter, although you'll get some weird looks.

• The driving place: It's more of a route. But when I feel especially frustrated, I drive this way. It's perfect on golden fall days around 4:00. I've never gone all the way, but one day I will. By the end, I feel so much better.

Haha, well, by the end of this, I just ended up sort of alluding to memories I've had at these places. But that's okay; it's what I like best about them.

I hope I can get through school for the rest of the year. Suddenly it seems so hard.

Love, Jennifer

Good News

1) The Graduation trip is basically final. And so much more fantastic than I could've imagined.
2) Finished the last of the AP English essays today, and now I am FREE.
3) I love you all.
4) A lot.

Love, Jennifer

prom 'o8

So, as for news in Jennifer's life, today was the great day of answering Garrett for Prom. :)

When he asked me on Friday, there was this huge box on my lawn with my name spray painted all over it, and when I opened it up, there was a slightly smaller box inside. This went on for like 6 boxes. Anyway, in the very last one, a tiny box by comparison, was a paper that said, "Prom?" and "Garrett" on the other side.

To answer him, I kind of needed to find his house, but had no idea where that was. I got Kyle to go with me, since he knows, but when we got there, no one was home to answer the door! I was a little bit worried, but Kyle called Garrett to ask for the house code (so much for secrecy, haha...) and we went inside and left this pillow case over his pillow...



And left this sign with it...

Hooray! So that was my excitement for today. It's no giant bucket of pudding, but hey...

Love, Jennifer

Spring Break!

I am so in love with spring break, and it doesn't even "officially" begin until tomorrow. Last night was one of the best nights I have had in a long, long time! I went bowling with Erin, Britta, Brady, and Enano. And wow, I am not really good at bowling. But we had a really good time anyway making up names (mine: "Love and War" and "Mushu"). We broke the bowling lane like five times, but hey. We had fun.

After bowling, we picked up Randalynn and went geocaching. Google it. It's a lot of fun. We found one by the cemetery in Midway, but couldn't find the one at Memorial Hill (at this point, we tried to steal enano's car, but they drove away), and didn't really want to tromp through the snow to find the one at the grove.

We went to Erin's house (just girls now) and watched "Paris, Je T'aime," which is a little bit odd, but one of my favorite films ever! I was really happy because i think everyone else liked it too.


That's about it, but it was a really really fantastic night.

And p.s.---enano and I are having the ultimate Monopoly night tiebreaker to determine Monopoly Champion this week. We'll let you know; spectators are welcome. Warning: it gets personal and intense. lol.

Love, Jennifer

The Great Adventure

Hello,

So, here I am back at home from State FBLA. Finally. Because I am really behind on homework from being gone but hate doing it, I'm blogging instead. So, FBLA was good, really fun. In case you wanted to hear about the past three days, here it is.

On Monday we left after school for Ogden. We got to our hotel, which is unconveniently like five miles away from the conference center. That kind of sucks. I'm rooming with morgan, jenny, and natalie, which I am really excited about. As we're getting all our stuff situated, Tyler texts me and says that we're still playing the hotel game. (Anytime either of us stay in a hotel, we always have to steal something creative to bring back for the other person.) I tried to look around for stuff in our room, but like almost every hotel room, everything is bolted down. They know about people like me.

Those of us who have to use the computer for presentations have to go over to the conference center to check out the rooms and practice setting up and stuff. the rest of the people take the bus to go find a walmart. M and I practice our presentation; it goes really well. After, we're sitting in the hall and this guy comes up to us. I remember him from other FBLA things; he's a really fantastic (crazy) dancer and really...I don't even know. I just know that I really want to know him. Anyway, he asks us what event we're competing in (Community Service) and it turns out he's in the same. Hmm.

The bus is late picking us up to go back to the hotel, and M and I are getting worried because we want to go swimming really badly before the pool closes at 10:00! We had a ridiculously hard time finding our way back. The bus driver didn't really know, and we were just going off some kid's GPS on his cellphone. We got lost a lot. Eventually we ended up on this forest road going off into nowhere, and had to make a U-turn on the tiniest road ever. Quote of the night: "I see a ravine! I see a ravine!" By the time we wandered our way back to the hotel, it was like 9:55 and we couldn't swim. It was really disappointing. I wanted to have a tub party instead, but that never happened; also disappointing.

That night was uneventful (I'll explain "uneventful" later). Tuesday morning, had to wake up at 6:30 to be on the bus by 7:30. First test was at 10:00 with Jordoun (Banking and Finance, if you'd like to know), and both of us had no idea what any of it was. Completely guessed. At 10:45 was our Community Service presentation. We were ridiculously, ridiculously nervous. But it went really well, and the judges seemed to like it. It was such a relief to have finished it. After was the Banking and Finance performance part, which Jordoun and I actually felt good about despite having no idea what we were doing. After, M and i walked around so I could take pictures for my photo assignment. We were standing on the sidewalk, me trying to take pictures of this building's side, and some guy walks up and starts examining M! I kind of freaked out...turns out he was looking at her little badge thing. So then he just stands there and talks to us, telling us the history of Ogden. So strange.

After pictures, we went back inside the conference center, but still had like two hours to wait until our next test. We found this tiny little couch in the lobby, and both laid opposite ways on it, and set the alarm on my phone so we could take a nap. I'm sure it was really funny looking, considering that we had on matching suits because of the presentation. I could hear all these people walking by, and mostly all the girls had disapproving comments. The guys were funny though...many laughed, one said, "I've been trying to find somewhere to do that for two hours!" I felt much better after sleeping for like an hour.

After the nap, Business Communication test, then back to the hotel to (hooray!) change clothes. Felt so good to be out of heels. :D Tyler gave me my stolen hotel gifts. The first was a fake flower from the conference center, and the second I will never be able to top. He somehow got the little spyhole from the door! It's like having a mini pirate spyglass. It's so fantastic I can't even believe it. We met up with Hannah and the rest of the chapter, and drove to Olive Garden for dinner, where I ate a lot of food. After that, Morgan, Hannah, Besto, Michael, Natalie, and I went to the dance at the conf. center while the rest of the chapter went back to the hotel. Saw that coming. The dance was kind of disappointing. I don't know, it just lacked something it usually has. I tried to find the crazy dancing rival kid, but strangely enough, he was not even into it like usual, so didn't really get to dance with him. That was extra disappointing. I started to feel soooo sick because it was so hot in there, and I was dancing, and really full of food. Sick.

When we got back to the hotel, I just wanted to drink lots of water and sleep, so I did. In the morning Natalie told me the bad news. I have this horrible way of being a jerk after I fall asleep if I wake up for any reason. She said she had gotten out of the shower (I'd been asleep), and as soon as she walked out, I sat up really quickly in the bed and demanded, "WHAT!?" which she believed could have been "SLUT!" She was really freaked out and just stared at me for like thirty seconds, and said, "What?" and basically that was the end of the exchange. And I just seemed like a really big jerk. This has happened before. And all I can say is "WHAT!?" in the meanest way you could imagine. I feel pretty bad. Anyway...

This morning (Wednesday) I had two more tests, then nothing. We caught a shuttle back to the hotel to pack so we could check out by 11:00. After checking out, back to the conference center, where I gave Tyler his gifts. The first was some fake leaves off of a plant in the lobby that look exactly like pot leaves. ha. The second, a spring out of the couch in our hotel room.

We had a couple hours till the awards ceremony, and had M's laptop, so morgan, natalie, besto, michael and I found this empty stairwell, and plugged in the laptop to watch "Watership Down." It's possibly the most horrible cartoon ever. So sad. It was kind of just a funny situation.


At the awards ceremony, Morgan and I were kind of disappointed that we got 6th with our project, but she was still happy because our rival (dancing kid) was in 7th place. She really did not like him at all.

Then we got on the bus to go home. I felt so sad. I'd never see my rival again, and never even got to know him, which is what I wanted anyway. And this was my last FBLA event ever. It kind of sucked. But I've had some good times, so I suppose it all works out okay anyway.

Tired, but glad to be home. Bored with this post yet? It was kind of long and pointless.

Love, Jennifer

make-over and goodbye

Woohoo blog makeover! i thought the contrast was fine with the text and everything, but someone else thought it isn't. What do you think? See you Wednesday...ish.

Love, Jennifer

ps--I posted a new blog, but it has been a draft for a few days, and got posted for March 24, the day I began it.

Bad Skin Day?

So. I've kind of reached the conclusion that no one reads this blog anymore. At least anyone I know. And that could be a good thing I suppose; sometimes it's just nice to send my thoughts out into the big nothingness that is the internet.

Lately my quest for lucid dreaming has come to a halt. Absolutely no progress. It could be because it's all connected, my "real" life, my emotions, and the dreams. And lately there's been a bump in my life, a shift in the nice order of how things were going, and perhaps my dreams are responding to that. I don't know. It's all just a bunch of frustration at the moment. Real life more than dreaming.

I feel like i'm stuck lately. When I try to behave one way, nothing is solved, nothing changes. And if I change that at all, let my emotions slip, show my helplessness and frustration, it's worse. So much worse. It's pushed further in the opposite direction. I feel like there's nothing I can do, and the one way I used to have to solve things is inaccessible. Am I complaining too much? Probably. But what else can I do? I have no jars to smash.

I swear, no more complaining after this blog. This is all I will say to those I need to say things to.


I wish I were still an important part of your life.

I am happy for you but wish we still had what we did before. It's strangely important to me.

I wish you would all understand that I am only who I am.

I wish you would've given me the chance, but that doesn't matter anymore. What I wish now is that I would see you once in awhile, and we would talk.


That's all; really it is.

Love, Jennifer

...

I feel like an idiot. Sometimes I get these thoughts in my head, just give myself over to being an idealist and then....ah. I come to my senses. Realize that I've been so stupid, so naive. It's the worst. And disappointing. So stupid.

Jeopardy

So, I love watching Jeopardy. And this is kind of funny, because at the same time it's the most annoying game in the world. But still... there's something really gratifying about watching a contestant's pure happiness at answering the most obscure trivia questions. Some of us are good at art, some are good at math, some at mechanical stuff, and then some are just good at knowing everything there is to know. These are the jeopardy contestants.

One of my favorite moments is when a contestant chooses a "daily double" square. The look that follows is something like, "Oh, my. Well this is very pleasing and fortunate," which is also a description of the look every time they answer a question correctly. --Those are the likeable contestants (likeable in a mockable way). We as viewers are impartial towards these contestants because although they know much more useless information than we do, they do not flaunt it. They know they are smart, but have the humility to pretend that they are slightly surprised when it comes through.

There are also the contestants that you immediately hate, because 1)they are very proud of themselves for simply being on jeopardy while you are merely on the couch at home, 2)they smirk, yes, smirk when answering correctly, as if they always get every answer right, and 3)they always get the answer right.

Sometimes there are awkward moments on jeopardy when a particularly tough question comes up and no one answers. Alex feels uncomfortable, the contestants feel uncomfortable, I feel uncomfortable, and so does the rest of America. I think Alex is annoyed, and the contestants' self-esteem drops at least 500 points, whereupon they must move decisively in the following questions to make up for such an error. The likeable contestants just press on with earnest effort, whereas the humiliating situation of not knowing who forgot to leave property taxes in his will causes the hated contestants to monopolize the board (even more if possible) in order to assert that they are, once again, the Ruler of the Universe. In return, America hates them even more, yet strangely reveres them in a whole new way once they win the whole game and know lots more stuff than we do.

An interesting fact about jeopardy is that Alex really doesn't care about the answering in the form of a question rule (he simply reminds them to rephrase their answer if necessary), whereas my brother Dan will heatedly point out that although I knew the answer a full three minutes before he did, I did not phrase it in the form of a question and should therefore be sent back to second grade.

I hate (love) jeopardy.

Love, Jennifer

dreams and bombs

Update on dreaming: This is good. Really good.

I had a mostly lucid dream. I've realized that just when I'm waking up, my mind speeds up and plays little clips from all of the dreams I've had. It's like rushing through a movie tunnel or something. It's at this moment that I realize they were all dreams and I realize I'm about to wake up. Well, today, I was rushing through the tunnel, and I thought, stop. And everything just stopped moving and settled on one dream. And I totally went back into that dream and did so lucidly. I had to try very hard to hold onto everything; I knew I was waking up.

Sweet! But I must say, it was far less vivid than a normal dream, and felt kind of forced, but that could be because it was an exit-dream (from the tunnel), or also it could just be because i'm not good at dreaming lucidly yet. And also it lasted for maybe fifteen seconds before my mind gave up and I woke up.

But still, I'm really happy about that.

In other strange news, there was a bomb threat today, and the entire school district evacuated every school. There were fire engines, Hazmat trucks, news choppers, SWAT choppers, all of it. It was surreal. I felt very strange thinking about what it would actually be like if I were in a building and a bomb went off. What kind of instincts kick in in that moment? What do you even think about? Anyway, luckily nothing happened, and as of yet, I haven't heard that they found anything anywhere. Looks like I'll still have to go to school tomorrow. But looks like we're all safe, so I suppose that's much better anyway.

Love, Jennifer

It's Okay

Slightly more upbeat? Thanks for being really great, blog readers. I'll post when I get back from the conference. :)


Letter to Self.
March 9, 2008

Dear Jennifer,

It's okay that you don't have a boyfriend. Really. It's okay that you don't have perfect skin or a perfect body. It's okay that you don't have the perfect job. It's also okay that you're not a pro at Chemistry and yes, that you are the only senior in the class. It's okay that you like to do things to shock people. It's okay, even necessary, to buy yourself gifts every now and then for no reason. It's okay to feel proud of your creativity.

It's okay to feel jealous when your friends choose others over you. It's okay to be worried about college. And marriage. It's okay, sometimes, to walk forward into the dark without a definite plan. It's okay to take chances. And it is even okay to be alone, to feel alone. It is okay to ask questions, my friend. That is how you'll get the answers.

Love, Me.

Stuff White People Like

alright, I'm in love with this. I wish I would've thought of it myself...

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

And it's so true...hahaha.

Love, Jennifer

When you know you're dreaming...

So my little goal lately has been to become a lucid dreamer. So lucid is:

1.	easily understood; completely intelligible or comprehensible: a lucid explanation.

2.	characterized by clear perception or understanding; rational or sane: a lucid moment in his madness.

3.	shining or bright.

4.	clear; pellucid; transparent.

....and so, lucid dreaming is simply the state of being completely aware in dreams. Knowing that you are dreaming while you are dreaming. The idea is that once you become aware, you can make your dreams go in whichever direction you'd like. It's kind of this ultimate freedom thing.

I remember learning about this a few years ago, and really wanting to and trying, but it never really happened. And here I am again. My plan is this: several times a day, simply ask myself if I am dreaming. I kind of feel like a crazy person when I do this, but it's about all I can go with. So far it hasn't really been working too well. I forget to ask myself during the day, and definitely when I dream. I've been waking up remembering that I'm supposed to have asked myself and forgot. Kind of disappointing.

This afternoon, after my lovely day of being a Ring Ceremony Food Guru (haha!), I came home and took a good nap. I can't remember really what I dreamt of, but I woke up and had this strange feeling. I realized that I didn't actually get to ask myself if I was dreaming, but the question had been there, just kind of in the murky shadows on the edges of consciousness. The vague impression of the question was floating around. I couldn't actually think of it through the haze, but the question was there, somewhere as I dreamt. I'm really excited about this development. I'm that much closer, you know?

Love, Jennifer

PS--- Love, love, LOVE August Rush.

A post-it for the world...

(To be placed on the earth)

I'm not sure it's big enough. In size anyway. In concept, however...







That's all for today.

Love, Jennifer

Weird Things I Love

(all true)

• The smell of playdough. And playing with it.
• Dying in dreams. (I'm not crazy and suicidal, they are just the most interesting)
• The smell of chlorine on skin.
• Cilantro. In pretty much everything.
• Squishing the avocado out of its skin.
• White towels that smell nice and bleachy when they're hot and wet.
  
• Driving through fog.
• The smell of the darkroom.
• Waking up early on your own, then getting to sleep for another hour before you actually have to get up. Love that.
• Collecting plants.
• (This is a really good one.) There's a certain stoplight, where if you're at it at just the right time of day, and the sky is really clear and turquoise-blue, the red of the light against the blue of the sky is insanely beautiful. Insanely.
• The smell of the air coming out of the laundry vent thing outside. (shared with M)
• Leaving wet footprints on the sidewalk.

That's all for now. (I'm sure there are like five thousand more)

Love, Jennifer

A lesson in friendship.

Currently listening to: Yesterday's Feelings by The Used
Currently feeling: much better than I have, and kind of accomplished.
Currently craving: summer, or just a bunch of sunny days.


Hello everyone,


I was thinking yesterday about what it means to be a true friend. And whether or not I fall into that category; whether I'm a good friend. The very best ones, the ones that you can always count on, care about you more than they care about themself. They are completely unselfish and happy for you when good things come to you. They are not jealous, ever. Period. If I had to admit one weakness of mine, it might be jealousy, as much as I hate to admit that.

So there I was at work, where I start to feel just a little bit crazy and un-myself after eight hours anyway, and i get a text from M, who is one of the few people I trust everything with, who loves me no matter what, and who I completely don't deserve sometimes. And she tells me that she just got a scholarship that covers all of her tuition, books, living, and fees. All of it. And we're going to the same college. And rooming together.

It was a feeling kind of like being punched in the sternum, breathless. Almost disbelief. Then in that moment where I realize that's she's serious, that this is all completely true, there it is. The jealousy. The indescribable, maddening jealousy. And at exactly the same time I feel horrible, terrible because my first thought was not to be happy for her, it was to wish it were me. And i know exactly how I should have reacted, but I didn't. What does that say?

I composed myself, and thought about all of this, about what kind of person I wanted to be. And as badly as I need a scholarship like that, and for as long as I've been hoping for it, I know all I can do is be happy for her. There is still the possibility that I might get something like that, but in that moment i decided that whether I do, or whether I don't, it must make no difference whatsoever. She is one of my best friends in the entire world, and I love her more than anything. I have to act like it.

I'm still waiting for my own verdict, but as of now, I feel a kind of peace about the whole thing. A scholarship would mean more than you can possibly imagine, but even if I get nothing at all, I've learned a lesson more valuable than any monetary amount. I learned about selflessness, about what I'm made of, and just what friendship truly is, in both the hard times and the easy.

Love, Jennifer

ps-- M, if or when you read this, I do love you with every bit of my heart, completely, truly, absolutely. Tu es ma une et seule. Thanks for all of it.

Poetry Wednesday

To everyone who's ever been left by anyone.


My Hope Is But A Lightswitch

I do not mind the cold
I do not mind the cold
I'm glad it makes us closer,
If perfect truth be told.

A massive melted snow-lake
Rejects the bottle-boat.
My laughter is a lightswitch
And yours a lonely moat.

If I had held your interest,
I would have told you then,
"I'm happy to be with you."
We just watched lightrays bend.

As you handed off the jacket,
And slipped into her car
I was then retracting
Into a fissured calm.

My hope is but a lightswitch
Expectations just a sleeve.
In the moment you were leaving
I knew you'd always leave.


Copyright
Jennifer North