This is so good. if you love avocados (and oh, do i love avocados) and chocolate, you need to try this.

Chocolate Avocado Shake

• 1 1/2 large avocados
• 1/3 cup sweetened condensed milk (or 1/4 cup honey)
• 2 cups vanilla soymilk
• 1 tablespoon cocoa powder
• 1 cup crushed ice

Mix everything together and blend into blissful deliciousness.

The original recipe only calls for one avocado, but I think a little bit extra is nice.

I used sweetened condensed milk, but honey would probably be better for you.

Also, a little cocoa powder goes a long way, so go easy.

Makes 2 servings.

Contains:

• 575 calories per serving
• 33.5 grams of fat, 70% of which are monounsaturated fats from the avocado, etc.
• 14.5 grams protein

Original recipe here

Mm,

Jennifer

Does anyone remember...

...when I adamantly refused to ever wear or accept the wearing of leggings? Can you even imagine? I mean, what was I thinking? It's silly. I think I actually remember telling my mom to punch me in the face if I ever gave into the trend. And now, my friends, I wear leggings all the time.

It's kind of the same thing with rompers. Don't hate me. It's a hard thing to embrace. If you're male and reading this, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about. To be clear, I do not own a romper, and maybe I never will. But I hated them with a passion when they first started popping their odd little selves up all over, and now...not so much.

What I'm trying to say is, people change their opinions about things. Usually, it's only a matter of time, and usually, it's a result of exposure to the thing and lessening the shock of it--whether there was ever any real reason to be shocked or not. I'm not just talking about fashion here. I never believed I would drink alcohol. I never believed I would pierce any part of my face. And I never anticipated having openly gay friends. None of these things, in my opinion, are morally wrong. But in our country today, and in our state, I would have no trouble at all finding people who disagree. In a crowd, I could probably reach my hand in any direction and find someone.

I once had a discussion with a good friend of mine about this. She simply could not understand why people would be so horrified by gays. I tried to explain to her the small-town mentality I knew to influence a lot of people I knew. Some people are influenced by religion, others by their moral value system. Despite this, all she feels is their judgment, and their hate. Even as I was trying to explain it, it sounded absurd to me. And like a stupid excuse. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. The worst thing was, I remember when I was shocked to hear about someone being gay. Then I moved one hour out of my world and was exposed to a little taste of the real world.

Over a small amount of time, I actually let myself know and become friends with people who happen to identify as gay. And can I just tell you, they're really awesome people. Just like me (ha). But seriously, people just like you or I. I think one of the main problems here is that everyone who is so horrified by other sexualities can't even imagine a world where that exists. They can't walk in another's shoes or imagine what it might be like to be that person, different, singled out, and denied.

No one knows how to approach it. I guess I don't either. But it really frustrates me to see people, even friends, denied basic rights as citizens because our state and country decide to impose their moral system upon a group. Arguments can be made about the "true nature" of marriage, and how we "should" be biologically, but the truth is, those are only excuses. Our lawmakers and judgers are just a bunch of leggings and romper haters. Maybe they'll never change, but maybe that's because they'll never give themselves the option. I don't know.

And by the way, my God hates no one.

Love, Jennifer

right now i love...

tough love by jennifernorth featuring Enzo Angiolini shoes

dELiAs > Laura Lace Dress > dresses > casual
$45 - delias.com
More dresses »

Say What? Motorcycle Jacket
$58 - kohls.com
More jackets »

Enzo Angiolini 'Saylem' Riding Boot
$199 - nordstrom.com
More Enzo Angiolini boots »

Latico Basics Adventurer Messenger Bag
$149 - endless.com
More Latico messenger bags »

Elvish Love Silver Ring £22.39; Celtic Rings from Zoo Jewellery
28 GBP - zoojewellery.com
More rings »

Smashbox Jet Set Waterproof Eye Liner Teal
$22 - sephora.com

Smashbox Eye Shadow Quad ($30 Value) Bright Eyed
$6 - sephora.com

Lollia Eau De Parfum
$46 - anthropologie.com

Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm
$3 - sears.com

OPI Nail Lacquer in Bubble Bath
allure.com

(how to tell)

You just might be Jennifer if...

a) you are agonizing over mattress-buying

b) you're so very tired of working all the time

c) ....but you love feeling like you're supporting yourself

d) you value the re-used rather than buying more junk

e) all you want is an incredible vacation

f) you need to get some exercise before your mind goes crazy

g) you are in love with Dexter Morgan

h) 365s are getting kinda hard these days

i) you can't stop chewing ice

j) your enemy is a cat

k) you really need some moving boxes, or

l) you are moving in 3 days. three.

Love, Jennifer

thoughts on self-portraits

Although it may seem like a project of pure vanity, taking a self-portrait 365 days in a row is not always so easy. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why I started in the first place. Maybe I just needed some sort of goal to work towards with the start of the new year. Maybe it just seemed like a good challenge, or a way to sharpen my photography skills. Or something. But I suspect it had more to do with the fact that sometimes I just feel incredibly insecure with myself and having my picture taken. Which is kind of a silly reason to take one every day, if you think about it...but nonetheless, here I am. I'm still not sure what I've taken from this little venture; in fact, I'm kind of puzzled a lot of the time.

The first surprise was that the best pictures I've taken have occurred on days where A)I really had no direction for what I wanted it to look like and B)I allowed myself a little time and creative license to explore.

The second (sort of ) surprise was that the simple things usually turn out to be the most beautiful. I've realized more and more that my "style," if you will, is looking at the small pieces of things...not only with this project, but photography in general. It's been kind of interesting to examine myself as bits to see how each photo stands alone. Sometimes our details get lost until you actually take the time to look at them one-by-one. Which might be a metaphor for something more meaningful, or maybe just a tip for an interesting artistic experience. haha. Like I said, sometimes if I overthink this, I just end up puzzled by the whole thing.

The third discovery is pretty simple. Almost anything looks beautiful with the right lighting and cropping. Simple.

I'm not quite sure if I'm going in the right direction with this, as one big thing I've discovered is that photography is both encapsulating the truth and embodying a really believable lie. For that I am so sorry; I insisted to myself and to everyone else that I really just wanted to capture myself honestly for entire year to monitor my changes. And for a month or two I actually did that. But let's be honest, the early pictures are far less exciting or beautiful than the latter and at this point I think that's because those were the truthful ones. Editing can be so misleading. It's way too easy to make something look beautiful while sacrificing reality. I don't know. It's not such a big thing, I suppose, but I feel a bit like an imposter sometimes. I'm still editing out those insecurities.

I guess I've realized that in photography, or art, or pretty much anything, we see what we'd like to. I can make a photo be anything I want it to, even if it's stretching or even completely departing from the truth. We will see things in the way that is most comfortable, which is kind of a universal thing, albeit unfortunate.

Anyway, just thought I'd share a few thoughts about this. Almost halfway through!

Love, Jennifer

Valerie's Letter

Because I haven't posted in weeks and because this is more eloquent than I could ever be...

"I am me. My name is Valerie. I don't think I'll live much longer and I wanted to tell someone about my life. This is the only autobiography I'll ever write and, God, I'm writing it on toilet paper. I was born in Nottingham in 1985. I don't remember much of those early years, but I do remember the rain. My grandmother owned a farm in Tottlebrook, and she used to tell me that God was in the rain.

I passed my eleventh class and went to girl's grammar. It was at school that I met my first girlfriend. Her name was Sarah. It was her wrists. They were beautiful. I thought we would love each other forever. I remember our teacher telling us that it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sarah did. I didn't.

In 2002 I fell in love with a girl named Christina. That year I came out to my parents. I couldn't have done it without Chris holding my hand. My father wouldn't look at me--he told me to go and never come back. My mother said nothing. I'd only told them the truth; was that so selfish?

Our integrity sells for so little. It is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us, but within that inch, we are free.

I'd always known what I wanted to do with my life, and in 2015 I started my first film, the Salt Flats. It was the most important role of my life, not because of my career, but because that was how I met Ruth. The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again.

We moved to a flat in London. She grew scarlet roses for me in our window box, and our place always smelled of roses. Those were the best years of my life. But America's war grew worse and worse and eventually came to London. After that there were no roses anymore--not for anyone.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like collateral and rendition became frightening. Where things like the Articles of Allegiance became powerful. I remember how different became dangerous. I still don't understand it, why they hate us so much. They took Ruth while she was out buying food. I've never cried so hard in my life. It wasn't long till they came for me.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place. For three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch but one. An inch--it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and things get better. But I hope most of all that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

Valerie."

(V for Vendetta)

With all my heart,

I love you,

Jennifer

Today I was thinking, the reason I love all of you so much is not for what I know of you, but for all of the things I have no clue about.

Funny, isn't it?

Love, Jennifer

My City

My city is a city of sirens.

A city of footsteps and sidewalks and people with places to be.

A city of seasons, bleak and fleeting and indulgent and fresh.

My city is a city of change.

A city of principle in the daylight and neon in the dark, if you know where to be.

A city of people who belong, people who persist, and people who fear.

A city of the mountains,

A city of the streets.

A city of songs, a city of solitude, and a city of holding breaths.

A city of flavors--the divine, the solid, the average, the exquisite.

Mine is a city of nighttime walks. Of backstreets, of streetlights.

A city of conversations and secrets.

My city is a city of open arms.

A city without judgment, a city of no regrets.

A city of pollution.

My city is a city of friends on red rugs,

A city of apartments and heaters that sometimes work and refrigerators with soymilk and cranberry juice...if you know what I mean.

A city of souls, of hands, of lips all coming together.

A city of back porches and summer afternoons.

A city of the most incredible heartbreaks.

A city of new outlooks, of chance; A city of unbelievable choice.

A city of sleepovers and magic kissing and decisions, decisions, decisions, decisions.

Mine is a city of trains, of cars, and of airplanes that graze the horizon.

A city of grids.

A city of purpose.

My city is a city that breathes.

A city that lives.

A city that exists in loneliness and cohesion at exactly the same time.

And a city that never quite stops its progression or heartbeat.

Mine is a city of whatever I want it to be.

A city of silence.

My city is a city of sirens, of sidewalks.

Love, Jennifer

lasts

"I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks."

Anyone know the movie? I've been thinking about this a bit the past few days...last looks, last moments, last time being in one place at a certain time in your life, that kind of thing.

I find it very interesting how different things can seem depending on whether they will be changing anytime soon or not. There's always something indescribably sad about the last of anything for me, even when it's something I never enjoyed in the first place. Just knowing that I'll never have it again, or never have it in the same way again gives me such a feeling of strange melancholy. Every last day at a job, last day in a grade in school, last day of summer, last day of vacation, anything, leaves an impression on me. My usual response is to want a photograph, but that's never quite the same, is it?

Even more interesting are the last moments that pass by without even being noticed at the time. Something ends with a finality you never even expected, then only in retrospect can you see that it was the last. These are the worst. I hate the feeling of something sneaking up on me and ending just like that, without even being able to savor its bittersweet departure. That is, after all, the draw to last moments, I think--being able to bask in the absolutely wonderful and exquisitely painful last seconds. I find myself looking back and trying to remember and analyze exactly how I felt in that moment since I never had the time to appreciate it while it happened. Last looks and promises I made with a certain person before they dropped off the face of the earth. Last time holding hands, kissing, feeling connected before everything changed, inexplicably and unprecedented. It all seems so foreign in retrospect. I always think how could I not have grasped onto that moment before it slipped away? But then maybe things just seem better once they're gone.

And the very last kind...moments you know are the last without really knowing why. I think everyone's experienced this, and I can safely say it's one of the very most panic-inducing, completely uncomfortable things I have ever felt. A lot of details of our day-to-day lives pass by without ever being noticed, but these...no, these are burned into our minds in a very strange but persistent way because we know things are changing. It's kinda creepy sometimes, to be honest. It might be easier if we couldn't sense these things, because as much as we hate whatever reality we are facing, the other part of these feelings is that we know no matter what, there is nothing we can do to stop it. That moment when you know a breakup is imminent, or someone's love is slipping away, or your life is headed into a completely new direction--that means leaving behind the present. Strange is the best way I can describe it.

Maybe I find all of these things so intriguing because it's far too easy to take the moments we have for granted while we still have them. It's easy to forget just how things feel until it's passed us by. Ironically, I never feel more alive than when I'm faced with the opposite and equal forces of change and destruction and a lot of wholly unexpected and new events. I try to hold onto those last moments because they are the last solid things I'll have for awhile, and part of me knows it. Then, it's off I go into the unknown.

Love, Jennifer

Love this.

Maps

I've kind of realized my life is defined by obsessions. Is obsessions a bad word? Maybe. What I mean is that everything is intensified these days. I love passionately, get passionately angry, dedicate myself completely and wholly to something, or nothing at all. I'm hitting both sides of the spectrum pretty hard, with not a whole lot in between. That's a little weird, right? Anyway, my point was, maps. I am so obsessed with maps right now. Something about really old, wrinkly, brownish maps drawn in pen and ink has stolen my heart. I want an original, or a bunch of them, but turns out original maps from the 1800s are kinda expensive.

Anyway, I think this all started when perusing the library with a dear friend of mine, Morgan Brown, and I happened upon a book called The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet. I took it home with me, and devoured it little by little until I was in love with science and cartography and children and secret tunnels and running away from home. This kid, although fictional, is an absolute genius!, and basically embodied the right kind of dedications that I wish I had. For instance, he does what he loves and it turns into art. A lot of me doing what I love turns into wasting a lot of time.

Anyway, for some reason this weekend I started thinking about these maps again, and how much I'd just love to completely wallpaper my walls with really old maps of explorations and the like. And then I found this.........American Memory from the Library of Congress. Clearly this website was sent directly to me from the heavens at a pivotal point in my life. Currently I am downloading maps like crazy and trying to find a cheap way to get them printed in ridiculously large sizes. Thus, wallpapering my walls with mystery and adventure, and of course, beauty. Because our world is beautiful and mysterious and full of love, and I am obsessed with all of these things.

Love, Jennifer

funds.

Just so you're warned, I'm about to get all preachy. Which I hate doing, but another thing I hate is the senselessness I often feel our country/the world is heading towards.

So sunday was the Super Bowl, just declared by ESPN to be the most watched TV show EVER. The main event (if you weren't aware) was all of the commercials in between the actual game, as a cost of approximately $3.1 million dollars per 30-second spot was spent on each commercial. By my best guesses, there were about 60 commercials, totaling the outrageous sum of $186 million dollars spent on trying to sell the American public some kind of product. One hundred and eighty-six million dollars. 1 8 6 0 0 0 0 0 0. (that's nine figures; that's a lot).

If there are 60 companies willing to throw away $3.1 million trying to get your attention for 30 seconds, fine. What just kills me is this...

ONE.org tells me there are approximately one billion (1,000,000,000) undernourished individuals in the world today. As one example, Ethiopia alone has 100,000 severely malnourished children. That's children alone, and only counting the ones who qualify as severely malnourished.

To put that in perspective, the $186,000,000 spent on advertising could be divided up to equal a contribution of $1860 per child. That's an astronomical sum considering current living conditions in Ethiopia. Another way to look at it would be giving each of these severely malnourished children a portion of lifesaving nutrient-dense food every single day for over five years. 100,000 people could be fed for five years.

If not Ethiopia, then 186,000,000 of the world's hungry could be given food for a day.

Or, if not food, disease prevention. At a contribution of 50 cents per person, 372,000,000 individuals could be protected against all seven Neglected Tropical Diseases (including things like bacterial and fungal infections), coverage that would last them an entire year. That's over a third (37%) of the entire world's current need. Check out this post on ONE, or this website (see comments) from an organization dedicated to eradicating NTDs.

I could keep going with all of this for awhile, but I think that'll do. With approximately 106,000,000 million viewers of the Super Bowl, an average of $1.75 was spent on each person, all to moderately entertain Americans for about 30 minutes total. Kind of ridiculous, no?

Oh, and let's not forget, this is for the 2010 Super Bowl alone.

ONE

UNICEF

Love, Jennifer

PS (Feb 9)... Corrected a couple of my facts. In my rush to make sense of a whole lot of information gathered from various sources I made a couple small mistakes. Fixed.

A lot to think about.

This is a blog about getting through the hard things in life and one about how sometimes, certain life events occur due to something much greater than coincidence. I'm notorious for being vague and unspecific when I write about things, especially things about my life, but I'm going to put all that aside and try to be honest and specific this time.

Donald broke up with me today and it feels like my very life has been torn apart.

I tell you this because, as far as I know, the only people who read this are the people who have always been there for me and been through it all with me and I trust you. That being said, if you know anything about me and my need for safety and comfort in life, you will know that right now I'm a big fucking mess. Change, this kind of change, is the most terrifying thing I could think of to face. Being with someone for a year and a half shaped my life in a way that it became my life. Not that I had nothing besides him, but our relationship was so integrated into my daily life, I have a hard time knowing who I am without it, without him.

We aren't together because, apparently, we need time apart to "work on things." If you asked, I'm not exactly sure what these things are, but they may or may not include me getting really angry over stuff sometimes and other such things. I have many faults, as does he, but I'm not going to list those because that would be kind of rude and petty at this point. And you know, he's probably right. Being alone will probably give me the focus and perspective to figure out things that have been occupying my mind for quite awhile now. But just because it's right doesn't mean it's easy; in fact, every fiber of my being wants for this to not be my reality right now...

The other thing I wanted to point out is Significance. With a capital S, because a very strange and foreign part of myself keeps whispering that this has occurred at a pivotal point in my life, and maybe this may be the first step towards Something. This, almost exclusively, is the thought that is keeping me alive right now. I hope that it is true, I hope I can continue to trust my intuition and take advantage of my situation. If I'm wrong about this, well, I wouldn't be all that surprised. If I'm right, God or the Universe or some other such thing obviously has a secret plan I have yet to figure out.

It's kind of strange, isn't it, to think that there are forces at work aligning things for you that you can't even imagine yourself? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, the best things in your life kind of just showed up sometimes, without any warning and sometimes only after you've been through a lot of pain to get there.

So, here I am. I'm trying to be optimistic. I know, without a doubt, that I am about to face some very hard and dark days and I don't know how I will cope. I'm trying very hard to find something that makes my life significant right now. It's terrifying, really. But there are many people in my life much wiser than I, and they seem to think I am some sort of strong person. If only they knew, right? Ha.

I guess I'm at much the same position I was my very first weeks of college, when "stepping forward into the dark" was pretty much my theme. I'm going to hate myself for being so optimistic, I can tell, but right now it's helping, and simply talking about this is helping. Wish me luck, I guess. Here I go.

Love, Jennifer

P.S. I have the best roommate in the history of all roommates. She literally risked her life (in my opinion) and drove through a snowstorm because I needed her. I'm speechless, really. Also, Morgan. Just....Morgan. I have all I need for now.

wishes.

Today I want:

To learn everything about everything.

To have the day off.

To visit old and new friends.

To catch up on reading assignments.

To play guitar all day, and that is all.

Summer weather.

Love, Jennifer

common market, tobacco road

So this isn't usually my thing, but it's one of those songs with a really nice, specific memory attached to it. Also, I really enjoy it.

Love, Jennifer

why i like photography, or, a memory from last spring.

I was thinking today about my very last day on campus last spring. It was my last time walking around before I moved out, and there were new graduates walking around occasionally in caps and gowns. Other than that, nothing. Just the most quiet spring day I can remember; perfect weather. I had nowhere to be so I just wandered around, with my camera of course, because I document everything.

It was the strangest feeling....I was inexplicably sad that it was ending; I felt as if I had to perfectly frame every picture I took of random stuff in order to immortalize it into my memory. I felt as if I'd never be there again. Which is, of course, untrue, but also an interesting thought...

I really never will be there again. The way I felt, the things I saw and knew, or thought I knew, will never be the same even if I try.

Maybe this is what I like about photography; maybe I need it because some part of me feels it all slipping away and wants a reminder of where I have been for when life becomes less simple. I don't know.

Love, Jennifer

365

So my current project/new year's resolution kind of thing is a self-portrait for every day of the year. Could be interesting, could be terribly boring. Either way, I'm a little bit excited to find out. So that whole thing's on facebook. In case you wanted to know.

:)

Love, Jennifer

anyone lived in a pretty how town by E. E. Cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain